


For What It's Worth

by lizzehboo



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: AU, Community: bigtimebang, Drug Use, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-03
Updated: 2012-09-03
Packaged: 2017-12-09 14:18:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 72,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/775170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizzehboo/pseuds/lizzehboo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p> AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my big bang. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 1/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/) **jblostfan16**  
 **Author's Note:** This is my . Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

  


Chapter One

_“Mom, why couldn’t Dad make it to my recital?”_

Kendall took a long drag on a blunt, sucking the smoke over his lips and holding it in his chest and throat, burning just right against his esophagus.

_“He just had a busy day at the office. He really tried to make it, sweetie. I know he did.”_

_“It’s okay I guess.”_

Kendall waited until just before his head felt like it’d float off his shoulders before he blew out, a puff of smoke expelling from him, wafting toward the ceiling.

_“Did I do a good job?”_

_“Of course you did. You did wonderful.”_

“Fuuuuuuck man,” Kendall drawled. “This shit is fantastic.”

Joseph grabbed the blunt from Kendall’s hand and puffed on it. “I told you, dude.”

The light pluckings of the guitar floated around the room, somewhere around where Kendall’s brain ended up being. He took another drag and held it until his chest hurt. Joseph’s song sounded even better.

Kendall’s stomach growled. He sucked more between his lips.

“Dude, go easy on that stuff. You gotta go home at some point tonight.”

Kendall huffed out smoke. “Who cares? Mom’s at work til late. Katie will be asleep.” He paused. “I’m hungry.”

He climbed up, stumbling over Joseph’s piles of clothes and trash and the like. His room was a mess. Which was really convenient because it made it pretty easy to hide things. Kendall dug through the mess on Joe’s bed until he located a bag of Doritos and started cramming them in his mouth. They were stale and chewy but Kendall didn’t give a shit. The guitar-dude’s parents were right downstairs. And Kendall was a little too stoned to risk stairs at the moment.

Joe was a rich man’s son. His family lived on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, even though he was constantly trolling the more boho-chic areas of the city, chilling with the artists and the hippies and the like. His dad works on Wall Street and is all about smart suits and smarter numbers. His mom was the resident trophy wife, and had the attention span of a dead rodent. Joe had come home stoned from cello practice a million times and she’d never even noticed.

That was actually how Kendall met him. Back when they were kids they went to this stuffy fine arts academy. Joe’s mom was determined that he play the cello, but he found guitar around age thirteen and never went back. Not that his mom ever knew that he’d been blowing off cello practice for ages. As long as the teacher got paid, she certainly didn’t mind. Meanwhile, the other students were calling him Guitar Dude.

Kendall didn’t get to stay at the school very long. He went for a few years, performed a few recitals.

Kendall had been accepted into the dance program when he was just five years old.

His dad died when he was ten. Then there wasn’t any money for a crazy-awesome dance school. Not that it really mattered. He didn’t really feel much like dancing after that.

Doesn’t mean it isn’t in his blood. Even stoned out of his mind and completely uncoordinated, he was waggling his hips and twirling around with ease – at least until he toppled over a pile of clothing and into Joe’s daybed.

“Ow.”

Joseph chuckled, never letting up on his guitar playing. “Dude, I told you to lay off that stuff.”

Kendall rubbed the aching spot on his wrist. “Heh, maybe you’re right. Gotta walk home soon.” He looked out the window at the New York horizon. Up above the city streets, it was almost like he could see the whole world, set aglow in the red-orange-amber hues of the sunset. In his haze, it’s almost like he could spread wings and fly away from it all.

“So I think my mom is onto me about skipping cello lessons, dude.”

“Really? What are you gonna do?” She was bound to find out sooner or later.

“I don’t know. Probably go back to lessons.”

“You hate the cello.”

“Yeah, but I love the music, man.”

Kendall sighed. “Be happy you can still go there.”

He wasn’t actually bitter. His feet hadn’t really touched a dance floor since he was a kid. After his dad died, the money dried up, and things changed. A lot.

Kendall blew smoke rings at the window, watching them collapse against the glass.

“Besides, I’ll just go for a little while and then blow it all off again. She’ll never know the difference.”

The world was slowing to a standstill, and Kendall didn’t know if it was the weed or if it was just how sick he was of the godforsaken planet. Day in and day out, it was always the same thing. Public school sucked. Being the man of the house sucked even more. It was like he had all this responsibility just plopped in his lap all of the sudden. So maybe he didn’t handle it very well. He did find it a little amusing about how his worst influence came from the rich side of town.

“You wanna share that, dude?”

Kendall passed the blunt, even though it was almost burnt down. “Sorry.”

“Dude, you’re losin’ it lately. What’s up?” Joe’s voice sounded lower and slower than it probably was.

Kendall shrugged a shoulder. “I dunno. I just hate all this. School sucks balls, man. There’s nothing to do. I’m bored.”

“Why don’t you ask that rich uncle of yours to send you back to school with me?”

Kendall shook his head. “Little late for that now. I mean, dude. I’m no dancer.”

“Yeah, but you sing.” Joe finished playing and put his guitar aside. “When are we gonna make our band happen, dude?”

Kendall folded into himself. “Probably never, man. I can’t get off work enough to play gigs. You know that.”

It was one of Kendall’s only nights off. He had to work part time to help out at home, and between school and homework and his meaningless retail job selling to fucking spoiled brats with their smartphones and scowling faces, he was losing his mind. The weed kept him calm. Brought him back to earth while at the same time letting him float above it. He liked the numb feeling in his head, the way it made the roar of thoughts whirring in his head just disappear for a few minutes.

“Dude. I gotta get going. It’s a long way home.”

Joseph was already lighting incense, the swirling scents of ginger and a bunch of other spices filling the air, burning at Kendall’s nostrils.

“You can stay you know.”

Kendall laughed. Mainly because he was high as fuck, but also because Joseph had to be high too if he thought for a second that Kendall could do that. He had work bright and early the next morning, his weekend filled up with stupid-ass priorities.

“No way, dude. Don’t want to smoke up all your dope.”

“At least it’d be hidden. I think Rosita’s been taking it, man.” Rosita was Joe’s family’s maid. Yeah. He had a fucking _maid._

“Nah, it’s me.” Kendall laughed again, flashing a peace sign on his way out the door. “Later, dude.”

Kendall made his way down the stairs and out the front door without a word to Joe’s folks and hit the pavement.

The world moved in slow-mo. He popped his sunglasses on his face, even with the sun hanging low in the sky, just to hide the bloodshot in his eyes. It was the end of summer, the city buried under scorching heat. Kendall wished he could be excited about school starting back. He sighed.

The sidewalks seemed to roll under his feet, and his stride never seemed to take him far. And every time he passed a subway station, he shrugged and kept moving. It wasn’t like he _wanted_ to be at home. Things were rough around the edges. He didn’t like looking at it. He wanted things to be better for them, but hell if he knew how to make that happen.

Eventually the settings changed around him. He looked up and it was suddenly all worn down buildings and dirty sidewalks and graffiti, drenched in the shadows of twilight. He knew immediately when he’d walked too far. He could feel the eyes on him, popping out of the dark alleyways, following his movements.

“Shit,” he muttered, pushing his sunglasses up on his head and moving more quickly down the sidewalk. The next subway station was only a few blocks away. He could see it, lit up in the distance.

Too far.

“Hey.” It was a harshly uttered word that Kendall hardly heard due to the press of metal in his stomach. “Your cash. Hand it over.”

“I don’t have any.” The weed slowed Kendall down, and though he was teetering on the edge of sober by that point, his reflexes had not quite gotten back up to speed.

“NOW.”

Kendall held up his hands. “Man, I swear to God. I don’t have anything. I don’t even have my wallet.”

He was surrounded, feeling the burn of hateful stares, the flash of metal sliding from pockets. He swallowed, wishing his brain wasn’t so hazy so he could figure a way out.

“Come on, man. I’ve got a family. I’ve got a family.”

“We’ve all got families.”

Kendall closed his eyes, willing it away, his heart racing, roaring in his ears. Then, it hit him. “I’ve… I’ve got some weed. In my shoe.”

The guy glared Kendall down like he was expecting him to lie, but when he yanked Kendall’s sneaker off his foot, lo and behold, there was a baggy stuffed down in it.

“You got more?”

Kendall shook his head. “No, man. I smoked it.”

When he got clocked, he wasn’t expecting it. It sent him whirling into the concrete, spots playing before his eyes. The hits that followed were far from pleasant. Kendall curled into himself and let the bruises form. There was no way in hell he could take down a whole group of guys. He’d just have to wait til it was over.

Blue lights blasted into his vision, the siren cutting through all other sound.

They were gone.

Kendall sat up, bruised and bloodied, his mouth tasting like copper. If he’d been in better shape, he probably would have taken off too. Cops weren’t fun to deal with regardless of whether he was the victim or not.

“You alright, kid? Do I need to call an ambulance?”

“No. I’m fine.” Kendall frowned. He couldn’t go home looking how he did. His mother would freak and he’d never get to leave the apartment ever again.

“You need a ride home?”

“No, thanks.” Kendall wasn’t about to push his luck. He didn’t need the officer to smell the weed on his clothes.

“You sure?”

“Positive. Thanks. Just gonna get on the subway.”

He always marveled at how he could ride the subway in New York with blood all over him without anyone ever noticing.

Seemed fitting. Flitting through life without being noticed? Yeah, he was used to that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 1/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/) **jblostfan16**  
 **Author's Note:** This is my . Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

  


Chapter One

_“Mom, why couldn’t Dad make it to my recital?”_

Kendall took a long drag on a blunt, sucking the smoke over his lips and holding it in his chest and throat, burning just right against his esophagus.

_“He just had a busy day at the office. He really tried to make it, sweetie. I know he did.”_

_“It’s okay I guess.”_

Kendall waited until just before his head felt like it’d float off his shoulders before he blew out, a puff of smoke expelling from him, wafting toward the ceiling.

_“Did I do a good job?”_

_“Of course you did. You did wonderful.”_

“Fuuuuuuck man,” Kendall drawled. “This shit is fantastic.”

Joseph grabbed the blunt from Kendall’s hand and puffed on it. “I told you, dude.”

The light pluckings of the guitar floated around the room, somewhere around where Kendall’s brain ended up being. He took another drag and held it until his chest hurt. Joseph’s song sounded even better.

Kendall’s stomach growled. He sucked more between his lips.

“Dude, go easy on that stuff. You gotta go home at some point tonight.”

Kendall huffed out smoke. “Who cares? Mom’s at work til late. Katie will be asleep.” He paused. “I’m hungry.”

He climbed up, stumbling over Joseph’s piles of clothes and trash and the like. His room was a mess. Which was really convenient because it made it pretty easy to hide things. Kendall dug through the mess on Joe’s bed until he located a bag of Doritos and started cramming them in his mouth. They were stale and chewy but Kendall didn’t give a shit. The guitar-dude’s parents were right downstairs. And Kendall was a little too stoned to risk stairs at the moment.

Joe was a rich man’s son. His family lived on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, even though he was constantly trolling the more boho-chic areas of the city, chilling with the artists and the hippies and the like. His dad works on Wall Street and is all about smart suits and smarter numbers. His mom was the resident trophy wife, and had the attention span of a dead rodent. Joe had come home stoned from cello practice a million times and she’d never even noticed.

That was actually how Kendall met him. Back when they were kids they went to this stuffy fine arts academy. Joe’s mom was determined that he play the cello, but he found guitar around age thirteen and never went back. Not that his mom ever knew that he’d been blowing off cello practice for ages. As long as the teacher got paid, she certainly didn’t mind. Meanwhile, the other students were calling him Guitar Dude.

Kendall didn’t get to stay at the school very long. He went for a few years, performed a few recitals.

Kendall had been accepted into the dance program when he was just five years old.

His dad died when he was ten. Then there wasn’t any money for a crazy-awesome dance school. Not that it really mattered. He didn’t really feel much like dancing after that.

Doesn’t mean it isn’t in his blood. Even stoned out of his mind and completely uncoordinated, he was waggling his hips and twirling around with ease – at least until he toppled over a pile of clothing and into Joe’s daybed.

“Ow.”

Joseph chuckled, never letting up on his guitar playing. “Dude, I told you to lay off that stuff.”

Kendall rubbed the aching spot on his wrist. “Heh, maybe you’re right. Gotta walk home soon.” He looked out the window at the New York horizon. Up above the city streets, it was almost like he could see the whole world, set aglow in the red-orange-amber hues of the sunset. In his haze, it’s almost like he could spread wings and fly away from it all.

“So I think my mom is onto me about skipping cello lessons, dude.”

“Really? What are you gonna do?” She was bound to find out sooner or later.

“I don’t know. Probably go back to lessons.”

“You hate the cello.”

“Yeah, but I love the music, man.”

Kendall sighed. “Be happy you can still go there.”

He wasn’t actually bitter. His feet hadn’t really touched a dance floor since he was a kid. After his dad died, the money dried up, and things changed. A lot.

Kendall blew smoke rings at the window, watching them collapse against the glass.

“Besides, I’ll just go for a little while and then blow it all off again. She’ll never know the difference.”

The world was slowing to a standstill, and Kendall didn’t know if it was the weed or if it was just how sick he was of the godforsaken planet. Day in and day out, it was always the same thing. Public school sucked. Being the man of the house sucked even more. It was like he had all this responsibility just plopped in his lap all of the sudden. So maybe he didn’t handle it very well. He did find it a little amusing about how his worst influence came from the rich side of town.

“You wanna share that, dude?”

Kendall passed the blunt, even though it was almost burnt down. “Sorry.”

“Dude, you’re losin’ it lately. What’s up?” Joe’s voice sounded lower and slower than it probably was.

Kendall shrugged a shoulder. “I dunno. I just hate all this. School sucks balls, man. There’s nothing to do. I’m bored.”

“Why don’t you ask that rich uncle of yours to send you back to school with me?”

Kendall shook his head. “Little late for that now. I mean, dude. I’m no dancer.”

“Yeah, but you sing.” Joe finished playing and put his guitar aside. “When are we gonna make our band happen, dude?”

Kendall folded into himself. “Probably never, man. I can’t get off work enough to play gigs. You know that.”

It was one of Kendall’s only nights off. He had to work part time to help out at home, and between school and homework and his meaningless retail job selling to fucking spoiled brats with their smartphones and scowling faces, he was losing his mind. The weed kept him calm. Brought him back to earth while at the same time letting him float above it. He liked the numb feeling in his head, the way it made the roar of thoughts whirring in his head just disappear for a few minutes.

“Dude. I gotta get going. It’s a long way home.”

Joseph was already lighting incense, the swirling scents of ginger and a bunch of other spices filling the air, burning at Kendall’s nostrils.

“You can stay you know.”

Kendall laughed. Mainly because he was high as fuck, but also because Joseph had to be high too if he thought for a second that Kendall could do that. He had work bright and early the next morning, his weekend filled up with stupid-ass priorities.

“No way, dude. Don’t want to smoke up all your dope.”

“At least it’d be hidden. I think Rosita’s been taking it, man.” Rosita was Joe’s family’s maid. Yeah. He had a fucking _maid._

“Nah, it’s me.” Kendall laughed again, flashing a peace sign on his way out the door. “Later, dude.”

Kendall made his way down the stairs and out the front door without a word to Joe’s folks and hit the pavement.

The world moved in slow-mo. He popped his sunglasses on his face, even with the sun hanging low in the sky, just to hide the bloodshot in his eyes. It was the end of summer, the city buried under scorching heat. Kendall wished he could be excited about school starting back. He sighed.

The sidewalks seemed to roll under his feet, and his stride never seemed to take him far. And every time he passed a subway station, he shrugged and kept moving. It wasn’t like he _wanted_ to be at home. Things were rough around the edges. He didn’t like looking at it. He wanted things to be better for them, but hell if he knew how to make that happen.

Eventually the settings changed around him. He looked up and it was suddenly all worn down buildings and dirty sidewalks and graffiti, drenched in the shadows of twilight. He knew immediately when he’d walked too far. He could feel the eyes on him, popping out of the dark alleyways, following his movements.

“Shit,” he muttered, pushing his sunglasses up on his head and moving more quickly down the sidewalk. The next subway station was only a few blocks away. He could see it, lit up in the distance.

Too far.

“Hey.” It was a harshly uttered word that Kendall hardly heard due to the press of metal in his stomach. “Your cash. Hand it over.”

“I don’t have any.” The weed slowed Kendall down, and though he was teetering on the edge of sober by that point, his reflexes had not quite gotten back up to speed.

“NOW.”

Kendall held up his hands. “Man, I swear to God. I don’t have anything. I don’t even have my wallet.”

He was surrounded, feeling the burn of hateful stares, the flash of metal sliding from pockets. He swallowed, wishing his brain wasn’t so hazy so he could figure a way out.

“Come on, man. I’ve got a family. I’ve got a family.”

“We’ve all got families.”

Kendall closed his eyes, willing it away, his heart racing, roaring in his ears. Then, it hit him. “I’ve… I’ve got some weed. In my shoe.”

The guy glared Kendall down like he was expecting him to lie, but when he yanked Kendall’s sneaker off his foot, lo and behold, there was a baggy stuffed down in it.

“You got more?”

Kendall shook his head. “No, man. I smoked it.”

When he got clocked, he wasn’t expecting it. It sent him whirling into the concrete, spots playing before his eyes. The hits that followed were far from pleasant. Kendall curled into himself and let the bruises form. There was no way in hell he could take down a whole group of guys. He’d just have to wait til it was over.

Blue lights blasted into his vision, the siren cutting through all other sound.

They were gone.

Kendall sat up, bruised and bloodied, his mouth tasting like copper. If he’d been in better shape, he probably would have taken off too. Cops weren’t fun to deal with regardless of whether he was the victim or not.

“You alright, kid? Do I need to call an ambulance?”

“No. I’m fine.” Kendall frowned. He couldn’t go home looking how he did. His mother would freak and he’d never get to leave the apartment ever again.

“You need a ride home?”

“No, thanks.” Kendall wasn’t about to push his luck. He didn’t need the officer to smell the weed on his clothes.

“You sure?”

“Positive. Thanks. Just gonna get on the subway.”

He always marveled at how he could ride the subway in New York with blood all over him without anyone ever noticing.

Seemed fitting. Flitting through life without being noticed? Yeah, he was used to that.


	3.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 3/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Three

Kendall’s first experience with Los Angeles started with traffic. Which was not his favorite way to start things. New York was notorious for bad traffic, but it was also easy to walk in. With the miles of swirling freeways and the crisscross of avenues and boulevards, Kendall was absolutely dumbfounded at how _anyone_ got around. The air was thick with smog, choking Kendall through the car windows as they sat in a standstill of car exhaust and hot, hot heat. He squinted his eyes at the sun, looming over them, boiling them alive in that damn U-Haul.

He already hated it. He’d only been in L.A. for about fifteen minutes, and he hated it.

Kendall leaned away from the window, his head starting to hurt. They’d been travelling for three days, hitting up hotels and gas stations all over the country. The endless stretch of road had made the three Knights very weary and worn down. It wasn’t helping Kendall’s attitude in the slightest.

It took over an hour to get to his uncle’s house.

When they pulled around the bend, Kendall had to fight his jaw from popping open. The house was bigger than he’d anticipated, lavish and magnificent. The sun played off the terracotta rooftop and the sandy-colored façade. The grass surrounding, even in the heat, was perfectly green and soft, well-kept and well-watered, and deep green hedges blocked off the view from the electric fence. Vines snaked up the walls of the mansion, shaped around the walls and pillars to make it look like it almost sprouted from the ground. Kendall pulled his sunglasses down his nose to take it in completely.

“Woah,” Katie voiced his thoughts.

They piled out of the car with sore bottoms and legs, stretching and rubbing sore muscles from the long drive. Their little U-Haul looked miniscule compared to the house before them. Hell, the fountain out front was bigger.

Bigger than everything they owned. Something was just wrong about that.

“Jennifer!”

Kendall’s head popped up to see his mother enveloped in the arms of his uncle. She smiled cheerily into the guy’s shoulder. Kendall swallowed, preferring to take in the house rather than the warm family moment. When he turned though, his eyes fell on the girl, leaning against the front door, long brown curls playing around her face.

“Hey there, stranger,” she greeted, as if she’d seen him yesterday even though it’d been years. “Look how handsome you grew up to be.”

She was a skinny, leggy thing, but classically beautiful, with her long dark locks, wine colored lips, and perfect white teeth. Her eyes glowed with mischief and a joy that only came from living the high life, but there was an ambition set in her shoulders that couldn’t be ignored. She carried herself easily, almost like she was dancing across the driveway rather than walking. Her long pale legs poked out of burlap colored shorts, and her red blouse billowed in the wind. She didn’t have shoes on, but her toenails were painted and perfectly kept.

“Um… hey.”

“You do remember me, don’t you? Last I saw you, you were only about half as big.”

“I was smaller than that.”

“Still got those dimples though.” Camille reached up and pinched Kendall’s cheek with a smile.

Kendall couldn’t help but smile back, and he really didn’t want to. She was just charming. When she went in for a hug, he returned it, albeit a bit uncomfortably.

“I’m so excited you’re here! I need some people my age to hang out with sometimes.”

“I’m sure you have plenty of friends your age,” Kendall responded easily.

“You’re right. I do. But I don’t have _family._ ” Camille grinned up at him. “You wanna see the house?”

“Uhh…” Kendall looked back to his mother and Katie, talking with Uncle Greg. Then, he shrugged a shoulder. He could bitch all he wanted. They were there to stay regardless. “Sure. I guess.”

The inside was as immaculate as the outside. The foyer was old: elaborate clay tiles and tan walls, decorated framed photos and a large mirror with a blush colored frame high above, accenting a small inlet in the wall that revealed an upstairs hallway. A spiral staircase with a whirling metal banister curled upwards and disappeared into said hallway. To the right was a warm family room with huge picture windows. In the middle of the deep chocolate carpet was a setting of tan couches and light wood furniture. A large entertainment center with an equally large flatscreen television was pushed back against the wall. Family photos adorned the walls and tables, and multiple potted plants brought life into the room.

“That’s the den,” Camille said, her hand in Kendall’s, guiding him through the house. “We’ve got the best sofa on the planet. I dare you to plop down on that and not be comfortable. We’ve got digital cable and DVR. Let me know if you need to know how to use it. And through here…”

Camille ushered Kendall through a large, curved archway, into another tiled room, the kitchen. It was well lit with large windows, making the back yard and the sparkling blue pool visible. The kitchen was also filled with light wood cabinets and deep brown marble counters, along with a huge island in the middle that seemed to serve as a breakfast bar. Pots and pans hung over the stove, and there was a bowl of fresh fruit in the middle of the island. A metal chandelier hung from the ceiling. A mural was painted on the walls, dark greens and red, adding little pops of color to the room. The barstools at the island were a light green, standing out strongly to the neutrals in the room. The back door was the color of red clay.

“Through there is the back yard, as you can tell. We’ve got a pool out there. It’s heated so you can swim in it even if it’s a little chilly. There’s a hot tub out there too. We just had it installed a couple of months ago.”

Kendall bit back something scathing. He wasn’t used to being surrounded by so much wealth.

“The dining room is through there.” She pointed out another archway that led back into the foyer. Across the way, Kendall caught glimpses of a dining room table and a fireplace. “You can go out into the sunroom through there. There’s a small barbecue that we make smores on a lot. It’s a great place to read. Let me show you the upstairs.”

Kendall couldn’t fathom the fact that the house had so much space. She’d shown him three rooms. Three fucking rooms. And they took up an enormous amount of space. Three rooms in and he’d seen more architecture than he’d seen in years. It was a little ridiculous.  But he followed her up the staircase anyway.

“Here’s my room,” Camille said.

Her room looked completely different than the rest of the house. Her walls were a bright purple and covered – literally – with theatre posters and rock n’ roll show flyers and everything in between. Her room was a giant scrapbook of her life, littered with photos and trophies and letters that had clearly been collected for years. Her dark wood dresser and mirror had a couple of pageant crowns and trophies – probably from when she was a little kid, and her large double bed had old sashes hanging from the banisters, matching the white silk sheets and carpet, peeking out from under the lavender coverlet. At the foot of her bed was a huge trunk, filled with who-knew-what, and the left side of the wall had a large walk-in closet attached. In the back corner of the room, next to her dresser was a door that Kendall assumed led to a bathroom.

“I’ve got all kinds of old photos. I have a couple of you, too.”

“You’ve got all kinds of everything,” Kendall mused.

“I’m a bit of a hoarder,” Camille admitted. “That trunk is full of scripts. Full. I can never let go of my memories, you know? I love looking at things, knowing that they happened. Her face softened as she ran a finger over photos of times in her past. Mom collected a lot too. Before she left at least.” She shook her head. “Anyway. You want more touring or are you too excited to see your own room?”

Kendall had been crashing on the couch-bed for years. He hadn’t had his own room for a long time. He fought the smile on his face. He was determined not to like the situation. Determined.

“Uh. Sure. Cool.”

“Woah, cool it with the dialogue, man. Let me get a word in edgewise,” Camille joked, winking at him. “Come on, puddin’.”

Kendall huffed, called out on his attitude, and Camille didn’t even bat an eyelash. It was like cheerfulness was in her blood.

Kendall’s room had the same cream colored walls and dark carpet as the rest of the house, and it was completely empty.

“Now, don’t get discouraged. Dad says he wants to take all of you out so you can decorate your rooms. Money’s no object.”

Kendall grimaced. “Um…”

“Don’t feel bad about it, okay? It’s our gift to you guys. We’re so excited that you’re here.”

“I imagine. This big house… just the two of you? Must be lonely.”

“A little. But there are lots of places to hang out around here. I’ll show you all the hotspots. You need help unloading the truck?”

Kendall walked slowly into the room – _his_ room, breathing it in. There was a door on the far side of his room, leading out onto a balcony in the back yard, overlooking the pool. Sunlight poured in through the windows accompanying it, leaving white glares on the floor.

“What if I paint it?”

“Well, you may have to chill in the guest room while the paint dries, but I don’t see any issue with it. You can tear up the carpet too. What’s your favorite color?”

Kendall ran his hand over the wall. “Green.”

“We can paint the walls green.”

“Maybe…”

Camille shuffled on her feet. “Look, sweetie. I know this is a lot to take in. But we really want you to be happy here.”

“Yeah well…” Kendall sighed. “Picking up and moving my life all the way across the country isn’t exactly what I’d planned.”

“It’ll be good for you. I’m sure of it.”

“Yeah, everyone’s sure of what’s good for me, but no one really does anything about it.” Kendall shoved his hands in his pockets. “I’m not so sure.”

“You just need stuff to do. You’ll live. Don’t be so dramatic. That’s my job.” Camille smiled at him again, completely unphased by his moodiness. “You’re gonna be fine here.”

She sauntered out without another word, making her way down the stairs, probably to give his mom and sister the same tour. Kendall slid down the wall and sat in the empty room, frowning. He supposed things could be worse. But he was completely out of his element in the sunny, smoggy city. He had no clue what was in front of him. He wished he could be as comfortable in his shoes as Camille was out of them. But he wasn’t at home anymore. He had a whole life to rebuild from scratch.

And he had no clue where to start.

…

It took about a week for Kendall and his family to settle in to the huge house, and to get everything in order. Kendall’s walls were green, and his room was modestly decorated with queen size bed and a dresser with a mirror, his guitar, and a couple of posters hanging up, along with a clothes hamper and a couple of other things. His room still looked bare compared to the others. Katie had gone the lavish, extravagant root – always quick to enjoy a few bucks. She had a huge flat screen TV mounted on her wall and an aquarium. Her room was decorated in bright yellow. His mother decided she liked the room the colors that it was and decorated accordingly, classy but simple.

Kendall hid his weed underneath his table lamp. He taped it to the bottom of it. He knew his mom would be angry, but it wasn’t like the weed was making him a bad person. He needed something to ease his transition, something to make him a little less on edge.

He just had to smoke it at night. On the balcony. When everyone was asleep.

Camille caught him out there one night, though.

“You’ve got to quit doing that stuff.”

Kendall rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

“You’ve been lying around all week. You’ve got to start school back next week.”

“Which is why I am enjoying my time off right now.” Kendall inhaled smoke with ease. Still holding his breath, he added, “Why? Are you going to tell on me?”

Camille put her hands on her hips. “No.”

Kendall blew out. “Then why should I care? My weed didn’t get me beat up in NYC. It actually saved my ass.”

“Yeah, but if you hadn’t been high, would you have walked so far into the ghetto?”

Kendall laughed. “Don’t say ghetto. It’s too funny.”

“Shut up,” she said, but her face cracked a good-natured smile. “I’m just saying that you should devote your time to something more productive.”

“Like…?”

“Well, what do you like to do?”

Kendall smirked. “I like to smoke weed.”

Camille smacked him on top of his head. “Don’t be a jerk. What about that guitar in there? Can you play?”

“Sort of. My friend, Joe, and I were gonna start a band at some point. I was gonna be frontman. He’s way better at playing than I am.”

“Maybe you should practice more.”

Kendall gave her a look. “I actually prefer other things.”

“Like what?”

“Nothing…”

“Nothing?”

Kendall sighed, putting out his joint. “There, I put it out. Happy now?”

“Not until you tell meeeee!” Camille ran at him, putting him in a headlock. “Come on. Tell me what you like to do!”

“I… I sing a little… ow. Let go! And I used to dance when I was a kid.”

She paused, relinquishing his head from her grip. “That’s right, you did! I remember now. Why don’t you still do it?”

“I don’t want to anymore.”

“Why not?”

Kendall regretted putting out his joint. “It’s complicated.”

Camille sighed. “Look, I’m not against you smoking the stuff, okay? Your prerogative. But do other things too. I don’t want you to end up doing nothing with your life. You deserve so much more than that.”

Kendall shrugged. “Yeah, okay. I’ve been perfectly fine not being noticed.”

Camille put a hand on Kendall’s face, tender and kind. “You _deserve_ to be noticed.”

Maybe she was right.

 


	4.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 4/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Four

“Daddy, I have an idea.”

Kendall and Camille were sitting at the breakfast bar, Kendall hovering over his bowl of cereal while Camille sucked down a glass of orange juice. Her dad was reading the newspaper. Kendall briefly caught sight of one of the maids in the doorway before she vanished up the staircase.

“What’s that, sweetie?”

“I was thinking maybe Kendall could go to school with me.”

Kendall almost spit his Fruit Loops all over the marble counter. Instead, he ended up swallowing a few of the grainy hoops without chewing and ended up coughing and sputtering for a good couple of minutes before the conversation continued.

“The performing arts school?” Kendall wheezed. “Why?”

“Because you like performing arts, and it’ll be better than going to a stupid public school.”

Kendall stared. “Are you kidding? The tuition’s ridiculous. I couldn’t ask you guys to pay for me to—“

“I think it’s a great idea,” Uncle Greg replied with a smile. “You two could carpool. Your mother said you needed some stimulation, Kendall. The school’s done wonders with Camille. I think you’d really enjoy it.”

“But… the money---“

“If you make good grades, I have no problem paying for it.”

Kendall hunched over his cereal bowl with a glare. “You shouldn’t just throw your money around just because you have it.”

“I’m not. You’re family, Kendall. Anything for my sister’s son.”

“What’s going on?” Katie asked, hobbling into the kitchen in her slippers and jammies, her mother close behind, dressed in a well-tailored suit.

“We were thinking that Kendall could go to school with Camille.”

His mother looked delighted. “That would be great!”

“I don’t have to worry about it,” Katie said. “I got in on scholarship at Crowley Academy. Got the email this morning. Those good grades always come through.”

“And _I_ ,” Kendall’s mom said, grabbing a piece of fruit and tucking her briefcase under her arm, “Have an interview. So I will talk to you all about it later.”

She kissed her kids goodbye and headed out.

Kendall did feel a little like a slacker.

“You know what? Fine. I’ll go.”

“Great! I can’t wait to show you the place.”

“I’ll call them right now. You can start tomorrow!”

Kendall swallowed, his appetite gone.

…

The California School for Performing Arts was a big campus, bursting with color. The grounds were littered with big bursts of colorful flowers, focused around a winding, whimsical sidewalk. The campus consisted of what looked to be four large buildings – The Music Building, The Theatre Building, The Dance Building, and then a building for student activities – lunch, meetings, and the like. It was weird, seeing a school with strictly artistic subjects.

He was a little overwhelmed. The campus was amazing.

“Don’t worry. CSPA is a really welcoming school. Just be yourself. You’ll fit right in.”

Kendall didn’t really know who he was though. So how could he be something he didn’t know?

Camille walked him through the buildings, showing him where everything was, then left him at the main office to get his schedule, so she could go to class.

“What would you like your concentration to be, Mr. Knight?” The lady making out his schedule was freaking Mary Sunshine.

“Um… I don’t know…” Kendall said, feeling embarrassed and unprepared.

“Well then. Why don’t we just put you in the basic classes of each and see if anything sticks out to you, okay?”

“…Okay.”

So there it was. Acting I, Voice I, Ballet I, Jazz I, and Guitar I. Kendall stared at his schedule.

Two dance classes. Two.

He wasn’t sure he was comfortable with that. He almost tried to change things up, but he didn’t have the will to go storming back into the office after all the lady’s help.

Ballet I was his first class.

Camille had given him a very quick tour of campus. She’d not been nearly as thorough as she had when showing him her home. Kendall wandered over to the Dance Building, his eyes fixed on his schedule. He didn’t like the idea of walking in on the middle of a class. He pushed through the masses of unfamiliar faces, feeling very lost and out of place. It wasn’t like he didn’t understand why the kids were there. He just… he didn’t quite belong. There were no welcoming faces in the crowd. No one he knew.

And he couldn’t find the damn room.

He walked around for a good ten minutes until the place began clearing out, and he started to panic. He couldn’t find his class on his first day. He couldn’t find it. He stood in the empty hall and sighed, listening to the building around him, almost like he was in a war, waiting to be attacked. The sounds of Debussy fluttered down toward him, echoing and reverberating off the walls. Kendall followed it, unsure of what else to do.

There was a studio at the end of the hall that the music was emanating from. The far wall was lined with giant mirrors, and mounted with ballet barres. Another stilted barre ran across the middle of the floor. The occupant of the room was at that one. Kendall saw the point of his toe first, lifted up on that barre, the black, elegant shape of his shoe. He followed upwards of the black tights and wife beater, the long, muscular stretch of his chest, up to his face, eyes closed, lost in the music, and the long elegant sway of his arm.

Kendall didn’t know who the guy was, all alone in that studio, but he was immediately captivated by the way he moved.

He didn’t want to step onto the floor. It felt like he’d be disturbing sacred ground. The boy stretched his leg, turning it out, then placing it gently on the floor, moving into a plié.

“Um-“ Kendall started.

The boy immediately jolted, gripping the bar and popping up from his position, looking annoyed. He grabbed a remote off the floor and turned off his music.

“Can I help you?” he asked, his voice clearly irritated.

“Sorry. I didn’t want to disturb you. I’m just looking for my class.”

The boy rolled his amber-hazel eyes. “Well, it’s clearly not here. Let me see your schedule.”

He grabbed the paper from Kendall, eying it for a moment. “Pretty varied. You have no idea what you’re doing here, do you?”

Kendall shrugged. “Not really.”

“Don’t really know why you’re here then,” he muttered. “Your class is upstairs. Go straight up those stairs outside the door, and take the hall on your right. Third door.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I’m Kendall, by the way.” Hey, he was trying.

“James. Now, if you don’t mind, I have a recital coming up, and I need to finish stretching so I can practice. Go on to your little class now, okay?”

Kendall stared for a moment. “Um. Okay then.”

He was immediately shut out of the room. The music started playing again, muffled behind the door.

Wow, Kendall thought. What. A. Douche.

He didn’t think he was going to like CSPA very much.

…

By the end of the day, Kendall felt like he was in the Twilight Zone. He’d walked into a bunch of classes that had already started a week or two before, and he was learning things he had pretty much put behind him and tried to forget about for years. He tried not to make it too obvious that he was bored in a good portion of the classes too – especially the dance classes. He knew what he was doing, but he didn’t feel like garnering attention, so he attempted to remain middle-of-the-pack. It made it pretty easy to get through the class at least. He didn’t even have to try.

The Acting I class was a little harder. He’d never really done it before, and found it pretty fucking complicated to follow what everyone was saying. There was one boy in the class, a short boy named Carlos Garcia that stood out from the pack. Kendall wasn’t sure if it was because the kid was talented or if it was because the kid was wearing a coconut bra – apparently from his improv class. He did seem like someone that might be fun to know, but Kendall was too busy trying to figure out how the class worked to introduce himself or anything.

He actually kind of liked the voice class. He was naturally a pretty good singer, and the teacher was patient and kind with him. She did keep touching him though, telling him how to breathe, which Kendall thought was a little weird. Guitar was pretty easy too, but he hated having to learn it through technical terms. Joseph always said that music was more about _feeling_ than _doing_.

But Kendall was exhausted after it was all over. It was too much to take in at once. He had a scratchy feeling in the back of his neck, aching for a minute to get away and relax.

“Hey,” Camille greeted, wrapping her arms around his as he made his way to the parking lot in a daze. “How was your first day?”

“Crazy.”

“Yeah, that’s usually the case. Don’t worry. You’ll get it.”

“I met this guy today. He was a total jerk.”

“Hm?”

“In the Dance Building. I just asked him where my class was. He acted like I ruined his whole freakin’ day. What an asshole.”

Camille giggled. “Some people just don’t handle the newbies well.”

“I wasn’t even being a smartass. He had no reason to talk to me like that.”

“Oh, and if you _were_ being a smartass?”

“He would’ve had a perfect reason to be an asshole.”

Camille hit the button on her keyring to unlock her car. “Let’s go home. I’ve got to get a monologue memorized before my boyfriend comes over tonight.” She paused. “You haven’t met my boyfriend! Ohmygosh.”

“Does he go here?”

She laughed. “Nope. He’d probably be terrified to set foot in this place without me nearby.”

…

The door bell rung.

“I got it!” Kendall called out, making his way down the stairs.

Kendall opened the door.

Camille had to be kidding. There was no way in hell that her boyfriend was standing in front of him.

“Um. Hi. You must be Camille’s cousin.”

Then he smiled, and it all made sense. Guy had a Hollywood smile. Which, yes, he supposed that was because he lived so close to it. But seriously, his pearly whites and dimples? Actually made Kendall’s heart flutter – just a little. There was also something really, really intimidating about him, even though he was so tiny in stature. He had this _thing_ behind his eyes that pierced through Kendall.

He was holding a book on physics – heavily earmarked with a well-worn spine. He was smart. That was probably an understatement.

“Yeah, I’m Kendall.” He extended his hand. “Nice to meet you…er…”

“Logan,” he responded kindly. “Apparently she doesn’t talk about me much.”

“No, no. I just… have a listening problem.”

Logan laughed. Things were going a lot better meeting Logan than they were meeting stupid-snobby-James. Logan probably would’ve told him where his class was without any attitude.

“Hey babe!” Camille greeted cheerily, making her way down the stairs. She was dressed up in blue, all made up and ready to go. “Sorry, I had to touch up my makeup. Monologues, you know?”

“This one in particular seems to make you cry,” Logan responded easily. “What on earth is it about?”

“My boyfriend getting addicted to a physics textbook,” she replied sarcastically. “Honey, can you leave the book for tonight? We’re going to a movie.”

Kendall stood there awkwardly, suddenly the third wheel. “Uhhh…”

“But Camille, I’m just getting to the formulas about time and space. Can’t I at least read it in the car?”

Camille rolled her eyes, but she didn’t look upset. “ _Fine_. I swear though, if you don’t loosen up soon, I don’t know what I’ll do with you.”

Logan _was_ a bit stiff in the shoulders. Kendall had a good solution to that. But it could wait.

When Camille and Logan bid him goodbye, leaving him in the foyer, Kendall couldn’t help but think he really needed to make some friends.

Being the new guy kind of sucked.

 


	5.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 5/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Five

It took a couple of days before Kendall started building a routine. He’d gone from the typical public school life in NYC to a crazy art school in L.A. in a matter of weeks. That was a lot to take in. He was in his acting class when someone finally said something.

“Hey, good read today.”

Kendall looked up from his notes to see Carlos leering over him with a cheery smile on his face. He had on a pair of round sunglasses a la John Lennon, and a bright pink wife beater.

“Oh, um. Thanks. I guess. I don’t think I’m much of an actor.”

Carlos still smiled. “When are you going to lunch?”

“I was gonna go in a few minutes. I have a free period.”

“Awesome! I do too. We can sit together.”

Carlos came on a little strong, but Kendall liked the effort. “Okay.”

“I’m Carlos, by the way. Carlos Garcia.”

“Yeah, I know,” Kendall chuckled. “You’re kind of a big deal. I’m Kendall Knight.”

“Oh. OH! You’re Camille’s cousin aren’t you!? I’m so dumb, I can’t believe I didn’t realize that.”

“I am.”

Kendall didn’t even realize they were already walking in step with each other, down to the sidewalk. Most kids didn’t stick around the campus for lunch. There were plenty of little restaurants and cafés right around the corner. Carlos had a Power Rangers backpack slung over his shoulder, and Kendall wasn’t really sure how he could fit college-sized work into a kindergarten-sized backpack. He didn’t ask.

“You’re kind of quiet for an artsy kid. Are you one of those introverted, mysterious, but crazy-awesome at stuff types?”

Kendall raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t think that was a type.”

“Hey, everything’s a type in some form or fashion. Even being an individual is a type. Conspiracy, am I right?”

Kendall smiled, shrugging a shoulder. “I have no idea. But no, I’m not mysterious, introverted, nor am I crazy-awesome at stuff.”

“Wow, I wonder where I got that type from then,” Carlos murmured. “Hey you wanna eat here?”

He pointed to a deli that had a few students lingering around, sucking down fruit smoothies and chewing on sub sandwiches. Kendall caught sight of the douche James standing at the counter, waiting on his order.

“Um… sure. I guess. I haven’t eaten here before.”

“Dude. It’s so good. Get the pink smoothies. You’ll be addicted!”

Kendall eyed the pastel pink liquid with precaution. “What’s the flavor?”

“I dunno. Pink.”

Kendall bit back a laugh. “That’s an interesting choice for a flavor.”

Carlos caught on immediately, punching Kendall in the arm playfully. “Perv.”

Kendall ordered a turkey sandwich on wheat and a pink smoothie and made his way to the end of the counter to wait on his order. Carlos was still perusing the menu and holding up the line.

“Kendall! Hey. Should I get a cookie?” He called from across the restaurant.

“Uh. Sure. I guess.”

Kendall didn’t really know why Carlos was consulting him for so many things. He was a bit of an oddball. But at the same time, Kendall felt kind of like he belonged.

“Okay, move it along, weirdo. Christ.”

Kendall looked to the man behind Carlos, a tall, statuesque fellow with sandy blonde hair and a perfectly set jaw. But there was something twisted in his features that pulled all the handsomeness from his face, making him more troll-like. Kendall grimaced.

Carlos poked his chest out. “Weird is only a perception.”

“Whatever. Move.” He shoved Carlos out of the way. “Some of us actors who actually have _careers_ have places to be.”

Carlos stumbled into the counter, and there was something in his eyes that absolutely ripped Kendall apart. He’d only been friends with Carlos for about fifteen minutes, but he wasn’t about to sit around and watch the kid get pushed around.

“Hey,” Kendall started, making his way across the floor, ready to knock the guy’s perfect teeth out and ruin his career.

“Who the hell are you?”

Kendall grabbed the guy by the collar of his shirt. “The guy that’s about to knock your teeth out. Give me a good reason why I shouldn’t.”

“Um. Assault charges.”

Kendall felt his blood boil.

“Kendall, let it go. He’s always like this. I’m not special,” Carlos said gently. “He’s not worth it.”

Kendall looked at Carlos. “You’re kidding right? This shit doesn’t fly in New York. You don’t let people walk all over you just to get ahead. I sure as hell won’t.” He turned back to the guy in question. “You need to apologize to my friend right now. I don’t give a fuck what assault charges you’ll throw at me, I’ll make sure that pretty little face of yours will never be on TV again.”

Kendall had learned to threaten well when he was on the east coast. But the guy didn’t look alarmed. He was just too cocky to do so.

“You’re going to beat me up?” He sniffed. “God, you smell like weed. Do you think your reaction time would be fast enough?”

“Jett, quit being a dick.”

Kendall’s ears perked to the new voice, coming from over his shoulder.

James’ large hand landed on Kendall’s wrist, pushing Kendall’s hand away from Jett. “Look, if you three want to get kicked out before you get your food, be my guest. But if you guys start trading blows and you ruin _my_ meal, we’re going to have a problem.”

“I don’t know why you’re so protective of that little freak, James,” Jett scoffed, hunching his shoulders and making his way to the counter.

James helped Carlos up. “Jett, that’s because you think acting is about faking emotions that you can’t actually fathom. Besides, I’m pretty sure the kid that was just threatening you would make good on his promise. So consider me doing you a favor.”

“Order for James!” One of the workers called.

“That’s me.” James stepped by Kendall, his shoulder brushing against him.

Kendall’s order was called next. Jett ordered his food and demanded it be brought outside to his table. Carlos finally decided, and the two of them made their way back to school, munching on sandwiches and sipping on smoothies that – yes, Carlos was right – were fucking fruity masterpieces. His turkey, lettuce, and tomato was awesome, especially because Carlos had picked up the tab.

“So you’re friends with that James guy?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

Carlos laughed. “You know, people ask me that all the time.”

“Yeah, because he’s kind of a douche.”

“I don’t think he was being too douchey today,” Carlos replied simply, flopping down on one of the steps in the sunshine. “He’s just hard to understand.”

“I asked him where my class was, and he acted like I ruined his entire day,” Kendall argued through a mouthful of lettuce and bread.

“Was he dancing?”

“Yeah. So?”

“Yeah, rookie mistake. You don’t disturb James when he’s dancing. It’s his whole world. He’s always practicing, trying to be the best. It takes a lot of work for him to get into this sort of mindset that he does to practice, and he gets pissed if you disturb him.”

“Still no reason to be a dick.” Kendall sucked on his smoothie.

Carlos smiled, and it was sunshine and rainbows and puppies. “Yeah. He can be one. But he’s not a bad guy, I promise.”

“Neither am I.”

“Well of course not.”

“What about that guy, Jett? Why was he so awful to you?”

Carlos shrugged. “I dunno. Camille says he’s threatened by me, but I think he’s just a jerk.” He broke his cookie in half and handed it to Kendall. “Cookie?”

“Aw, no, dude. It’s yours.”

“Have some!”

“Okay. Jeez.”

Carlos munched and leaned his head on Kendall’s shoulder. “So do you like this place so far?”

“I’ve only been here a couple of days and I feel like a total hack.”

Carlos grinned. “Usually is the case. Give it time. You’ll find your place.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. Everyone goes through this. It’s crazy here. Camille shoulda warned you how overwhelming it can be.”

“She’s kind of overwhelming on her own. I didn’t think I’d ever meet anyone else so perky and easy going.”

“Until?”

“I met you, dude.”

“Hahaha, awesome.”

“So James protects you, hm?”

“He likes me. He told me it’s cool that I’m trying so hard to get my dream, that I want it so bad.”

Kendall frowned. He wondered what it was like to want something that bad. Yeah, he was still adjusting, but he wasn’t feeling strongly about anything. He was pretty sure he could sleep through his dance classes and do relatively well. He liked guitar, and voice was pretty cool. Acting was fun, but weird. But none of it felt like it was taking over his brain.

Mostly he was just missing Joseph and New York. And his dad. It brought back a fuckton of memories of his dad.

Okay, maybe that had a lot to do with the emotional shutdown.

He leaned his head against Carlos’ and watched the cars roll by on the street. “Thanks for lunch.”

“Anytime… Thanks for standing up for me.”

Kendall patted Carlos on the back. “Anytime.”

…

“Good day class.”

Mr. X was an intimidating teacher. And it wasn’t just because of his Bond-villain-esque name.  Kendall already knew everything he was teaching in the Ballet and Jazz classes, but that didn’t mean the guy didn’t scare him. He clearly knew his shit, and he was particularly harsh on people that didn’t. Kendall knew just enough to be sort of ignored. He faded into the crowd. Which was fine.

Kendall wasn’t looking at his teacher though. He was leaning on the barre and staring at the two students next to him, a long, lean blonde girl, and, yep, James.

“ _These_ ,” Mr. X gestured to the two people he was referring to, “Are my top students, James and Mercedes. I have asked them to join us today in order to assist me, as some of you are not quite as… _ex_ ceptional as I would _ex_ pect.” A pause. “Knight, stop leaning on the barre!”

Kendall stammered for a moment before standing up straight. “Sorry.”

“We shall continue with what I have been teaching you. Please do me a favor and do not completely ruin it?”

He wasn’t even being cute. Mr. X was absolutely serious.

The music started. Allegro tempo, brisk and lively. Fifth position. _Plié._ His foot moved forward in a _degagé._ Second position. _Balancé._ The class continued the same movement for quite a few measures. Kendall was bored. He easily conquered the movement, keeping a trained eye on James. If Carlos said he wasn’t all bad, Kendall wanted to see it for himself. James was elegantly making his way around the room, helping students adjust their footwork, but he wasn’t smiling, and he was far from comforting. He just corrected and moved on. He left no actual impression on the students, with the exception of the cold shoulder he was giving. Mercedes was leaving a worse impression, looking almost annoyed at what she was doing. She wasn’t meant to teach – that was definite.

James stopped in front of Kendall.

“Have you done this before?”

Kendall stared. “We’ve been doing it all week.”

James bristled a little. “That’s not what I meant. Do you have previous training?”

“What gave you that idea?” Kendall asked, playing dumb.

“Your feet,” James responded without further clarification.

Kendall actually _felt_ dumb at that point. “What?”

“Your feet.” James casted his eyes down Kendall’s body, all the way to his toes. It made him feel self-conscious and prickly. “Your feet are perfect.”

That was a weird compliment. “Thank you?”

James huffed, looking like Kendall was still wasting his time. “You never answered my question. Do you have previous training? Are you supposed to be in this class?”

Kendall half-smiled, as Mr. X shrieked out “ _Relevé!_ ”

Kendall went up on his toes, but his legs shook at the effort. He’d done it a million times. He knew exactly what he was doing. But James was staring him down, waiting for a response. It made Kendall nervous. James, with his stony, amber eyes and his scary knowledge. It intimidated Kendall. He didn’t like that.

“Here.” James reached out, pulling Kendall’s hand from the barre. “You can’t balance with your weight shifted. Lift your arms up. He slid his hands over Kendall’s arms, pushing them up over his head, like he Atlas, holding the world high upon his shoulders.

The world was a lot of weight. Kendall fell forward.

“Why are you nervous?” James asked, and it sounded more accusatory than it did anything. “You had it.”

Kendall gritted his teeth and went back on his toes. _Relevé._ James ran his eyes up and down Kendall’s form again.

“That’s better.”

He walked away, on to the next struggling student.

Kendall felt exhausted.


	6.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 6/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Six

Camille was in a hurry. She kept cursing under her breath on the way home, especially when they hit traffic.

“Camille, is anything wrong?” Kendall felt the need to ask when she jerked the car around a corner and Kendall nearly toppled out of his seat, save for his seatbelt.

“I’m late,” Camille groaned. “My class ran over and I was supposed to have a date with Logan twenty minutes ago!” She slammed her hand down on the horn. “MOVE IT, ASSHOLE!”

Kendall grimaced. “I’m sure Logan will be fine with you being late.”

“Yeah, but I’m covered with paint from set decorating and I need to shower. I don’t know why I did this. It’s so stupid. I should’ve made the date for this evening like a normal human being with a normal schedule.”

By the time they whipped into the driveway, Kendall was thanking whatever gods were up there that they survived. Logan’s modest hybrid was already in the driveway, and he was sitting outside on the stoop, scrolling through his phone.

“Sorry I’m late, babe.”

He looked up and smiled, so happy to see her. “It’s okay.”

“I have to get in the shower. Ugh, I hate being late. Kendall, could you keep him company while I get cleaned up?”

“Yeah, sure,” Kendall said easily, unlocking the door before she went barging through it.

Camille hurried up the stairs and they were alone.

It was awkward. Kendall realized that he had absolutely nothing in common with the guy.

“So…. Camille says you want to be a doctor.”

“Yeah, I have an exam at the end of the week.” He held up his phone. “I was studying.”

Kendall made a face. “Are you _always_ studying?”

“Yes,” Logan responded, like that was the dumbest question he’d ever been asked. “I’ve got to finish my high school courses, and I’m taking six hours over at the local college to get ahead on my med-school. I’ve got a pile of homework all the time. Of course I’m studying.”

“Dude. You need to chill out once in a while.” Kendall grinned. “You’re way too tense.”

“Tense is my middle name.” Logan paused. “Actually. Hortense is my middle name.”

“Wow, you’re not kidding? Come on.” Kendall gestured for Logan to come up stairs.

“Why? What are we doing?”

“You wanna smoke?”

“Cigarettes can kill you!”

“I’m not talking about cigarettes.”

Kendall was a little proud at how little it took him to convince Logan to try it. He felt like the cool kid in the class, getting the nerd to loosen up. Camille wasn’t exactly thrilled however, when she found them on the balcony and Logan was jabbering nonsensical science facts.

“No, listen. Listen. Listen.” Logan waved his hands. “Your life could be at stake. A little tiny cut.” He grabbed Kendall’s hand. “A little teeny tiny cut, man. You could lose your whole hand. Necrotizing fasciitis.  All it takes is a little bacteria.”

“Kendall,” Camille grunted, looking irritated. “Did you seriously light up with him?”

“He only had a few puffs,” Kendall responded easily. “I didn’t think he’d start filling my head with scary medical knowledge though. Seriously, he’s been going on for about fifteen minutes about all the different things that can kill me. I’m really uncomfortable. But I bet if we gave him a pair of bongos, he’d be on the Mellowtrain to Loganville.”

Camille put her hands on her hips. “We had dinner plans, you jerk.”

“Dinner? Oh my god. Dinner. I’m so hungry,” Logan said suddenly. “Let’s go to dinner!”

“But you’re… high.”

“So?” Kendall argued for Logan. “Go eat dinner. Have fun.”

Camille sighed. “Fine. Fine. Kendall, if Logan talks about skin disease all through dinner, I will hurt you when I get back.” On her way out the door, she turned back to Kendall. “And that is not a threat. It’s a promise.”

Kendall left the house. Just in case.

He didn’t expect to run into Carlos, but there he was, popping out of a shop in a red t-shirt, black skinny jeans and… well, a top hat.

“Hi!” He looked absolutely thrilled to see Kendall. Kendall wasn’t used to that, people being so fucking happy to see him. It was nice. But weird.

“Hey, man,” he greeted. “What are you up to?”

“Shopping,” Carlos held up a good five or six bags. “Gotta keep people guessing.”

Kendall bit back a mean remark about spoiled rich kids. Carlos was definitely spoiled sweet, not rotten. It wasn’t like he was awful because he had money and Kendall didn’t. It didn’t make Joseph a bad person either.

Kendall felt a weird, hurtful pull at his heart, a longing for the grittier New York streets with his best friend by his side.

That part of his life was over.

“You look sad. Don’t look sad.”

Kendall put on the best smile he could muster. “Thinking about home.”

Carlos reached out and grabbed Kendall’s hand like a little kid, even though his wrists were horrendously adorned with bracelets and rings.

“It’ll be okay.” Carlos beamed. “You want to hang out?”

“…Okay.”

“Dude, you’re so agreeable!”

Kendall almost laughed. Carlos was the most agreeable person on the planet.

“Ooh! I can buy you clothes! And shoes! I love buying shoes.”

“You don’t have to buy me anything, man. I’ll be your friend without the bribes.”

“Well, that’s good. But I still like shopping for people.”

Carlos proceeded to drag Kendall down the street.

“Hey, Carlos?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you so touchy-feely? Just curious.”

“Oh, it’s a theatre-kid thing. You know. We all get naked around each other; we all trust each other; we all cover each other’s asses – just makes you get really comfortable around people. Especially people you like.”

“But you hardly know me.”

“I don’t have to know you very much to know I like you,” Carlos replied like it was the easiest response ever. “You’re a good person.”

Kendall spent the entire evening with Carlos. And he had a spectacular time. Carlos knew how to have fun, and Los Angeles was his playground. Kendall found it difficult to keep up. By the end of the night, Kendall was rubbing heaviness and glitter out of his eyes and lugging around a good amount of shopping bags. His muscles ached and his smile was lopsided and tired. Carlos was an easy shoulder to lean on all the way back home. He stumbled through the door, and past Camille and Logan – who had thrown the books aside and locked tongues for a while ( _you’re welcome, Camille_ , Kendall couldn’t help but think), and up to his very welcoming bed. He fell asleep in his clothes.

…

“Tell me I’m awesome.”

“No.”

“Tell me. I’m awesome.”

“No!” Camille playfully shoved Kendall. “Just because you got Logan all chilled out for an evening does not mean you’re awesome.”

“Well, other things make me awesome, don’t they? Come on. Tell me I’m awesome.”

“Ugh! Fine! You’re awesome. Happy now?”

“Immensely.”

Camille stretched her leg out and touched her toes. They were in one of the dance studios after class. She had a dance project due and she needed a little extra practice.

Or a lot. Whatever.

She turned on the music, a quick, jazzy, big band song blowing out the speakers as she worked. Her footwork, however, was a bit sloppy to say the least. And Kendall could tell she was getting frustrated.

“What’s up?” he asked.

“I had a partner before,” Camille grumbled, skipping the track back to the beginning. “But he bailed on me. So I’m on my own. I had to readjust the whole thing.”

“Well,” Kendall said. “You need to get on your toes more.”

He tread across the floor, pushing his hand against Camille’s back until she straightened up. “Bend your knees. It’ll keep you forward without you toppling over.”

“Do you know how to tap?”

Kendall shrugged. “I dabbled.”

“Grab some shoes and help me then! Make yourself useful, Mr. Awesome.”

Kendall laughed. “Alright, alright, fine. But I cannot guarantee I’ll be of much help. I haven’t really physically done it since I was a kid.”

After a few minutes of flapping and shuffling, Kendall started choreographing.

“Okay. I think it’ll be easier if you use these counts with step-ball-change. Then maybe a hop-step. You can always start with a time-step if you’re not comfortable with the tempo right off. Something like…”

Kendall jumped into the number with gusto, the horns blaring in his ears, mixing with the quick, sharp taps of his shoes against the floor. Camille stood there with her jaw hanging open.

“Kendall, I can’t do that.”

“Sure you can. Come on. Try it with me.”

Kendall worked up a good sweat helping her, but eventually, they were in sync with each other, performing the moves with ease and crispness. Camille looked overjoyed.

“Ohmygosh--- I could end up leading the dance in the next musical. That’s like, ultimate spotlight moment. You’re amazing!”

“I’m awesome and amazing? Oh, stop. I’m blushing,” Kendall laughed.

“You are.”

Kendall’s blood ran cold.

James approached from the doorway, languid and graceful as always, a ferocious look in his eyes. “So tell me, Knight? Why the hell are you yawning your way through Ballet and Jazz I when you can do this?”

Kendall held his tongue, staring James down. Even if it did put the cold sting of fear in his gut.

“You are joining the upperclassman, Knight.”

“No. I’m not.”

“Mr. X needs to know what you’re capable of!” James argued, his cheeks flushing in anger. “Everyone does!”

“No. They don’t.”

James huffed. “If you don’t do this, I swear to God I will make your life hell until you do.”

“Why the hell does it matter to you?”

“Er…” Camille murmured. “I’m gonna… go to the car…”

She scampered away like her life was in danger. With the tension in the room, Kendall wasn’t so sure that she was wrong.

“You lazy son of a bitch. I _knew_ you looked bored in that class! I _knew_ that your feet were too perfect for a new dancer.”

“What’s wrong with me taking the preliminary classes?”

James gestured to the room. “What you just did! Do you think that’s even fair to your classmates?”

“I’m not here to be a dancer.”

James sneered. “I… I can’t believe this. You know, Carlos was all wrong about you. You really are a lazy fuck. I cannot understand how you can sit there and go through _relevés_ all day when you’re perfectly capable of advanced techniques. Tap requires a strenuous effort that you’re just apparently not willing to put forth.”

“Screw you. I don’t need you jumping down my throat just because I’m taking easy classes. Maybe I want to raise my GPA.”

James looked beyond frustrated. “I swear to you. I am going to make you absolutely miserable. _MISERABLE._ ”

He left Kendall alone.


	7.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 7/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Seven

James made good on his promise.

Kendall came to school the next day to see a million flyers adorning empty spaces all over campus: **KENDALL KNIGHT IS A LIAR.**

Apparently James Diamond had a flair for the dramatic.

“Fuck,” Kendall muttered.

Camille helped him pull them all down before his first class, but he knew that more was to come.

Over the next couple of weeks, James went out of his way to make Kendall miserable – from knocking his lunch out of his hands and splattering it all over the ground (including his pink smoothie) multiple times – to stealing his clothes after dance class so Kendall had to walk around in his tights all day.  He bedazzled everything in Kendall’s locker. Kendall couldn’t figure out when James managed to have the time, because he never caught James in the act. James was always practicing, practicing, practicing.

“You need to stop this,” Kendall growled, waltzing right into the dance studio and shutting off James’ music. James was on his toes, and he looked beyond offended when the silence reigned in the room.

“You need to turn that back on right now,” he commanded.

“Or what? You’re gonna bedazzle my face to match my backpack?” Kendall seethed, dropping the sparkly abomination to the floor in front of James.

James lowered himself onto his heels and put his hands on his hips. ”Maybe.” He slithered past Kendall with ease. “Or perhaps you could just join the higher level dance classes so we can put an end to all this nonsense?”

“No.”

“Then get lost. I don’t talk to slackers.”

“I’m not a slacker,” Kendall argued, his jaw tightening. “Don’t call me that.”

“You’re not living up to your potential,” James said, stretching a leg up onto the barre. “That makes you a slacker.”

“No it doesn’t. I’m here, aren’t I? I’m not cutting class or anything? Maybe I’m just brushing up on my basics!”

“You’re a liar too. Which makes those flyers I made really suitable doesn’t it?” James switched legs.

“You don’t know me.”

“I know that you’re bored in that class. I’ve watched you in the past few that I visited. You’re bored to death. I don’t get why you don’t just move up. Find a challenge. _Do_ something with yourself.”

“I don’t want to be a dancer,” Kendall said.

James looked offended at the very idea. “Well, what the hell do you want to do then?”

“I don’t know…” Kendall paused, shaking his head, frustrated. “I don’t have to explain myself to you! Just get off my back or you’ll be sorry. You told that Jett kid that I’ll make good on my threats, so I know you know I’m serious.”

“Try the higher level courses,” James said, turning to look at Kendall completely for the first time, feet flat on the ground. “If you don’t love them, you can go right back to your boring existence.”

Kendall sighed. “Give me one reason why I should. Seriously. Give me one.”

James kicked Kendall’s backpack out of the way. “Turn the music back on. Track four.”

Kendall swallowed. Something in James’ eyes challenged him, and he never backed down from a challenge. So he did it. He turned the music on. It was an easy piano piece that drifted through the speakers, but it wasn’t classical by any means. It didn’t have the structure behind it. It flowed like paint from a paintbrush, over the room in a wave.

James danced. He moved across the floor with an ease Kendall didn’t think was possible, swaying and sweeping as simply as a glance from Kendall’s eye.

Kendall’s mouth ran dry. Watching James, he was absolutely mesmerized. He felt himself catapulted back in time, to when he was just a small child, watching the older kids dance and feeling everything in his body pulse with excitement and _want_. He’d wanted to be a dancer so badly when he was a kid, seeing the bodies lift and dip and twirl. He’d been completely fascinated, and completely, _totally_ smitten.

James was just like those kids. No. He was better. Kendall had never seen anyone in his life do something so perfect. It was almost like he’d been animated, drawn on to the planet so everything he did was to the point, flawless. The curve in his spine as he dipped back, the long lines of his arms, the slight curl in his foot – it was all so well-rehearsed. But at the same time, it bubbled over with emotion. The expressions that played over James’ face were complex and powerful – it made Kendall feel everything along with him.

He didn’t really know what was happening, but by the time James finished, Kendall was shaking.

“You are perfectly capable of doing that,” James said softly. “Perfectly capable.” He grabbed Kendall’s backpack and shoved the ridiculously sparkly bag into Kendall’s arms. “And it makes me sick that you won’t share that with people. You have a gift, Kendall Knight. Don’t waste it.”

Kendall couldn’t speak. He just clutched his backpack and stared at James until he disappeared out the door.

…

Kendall caught himself practicing in his bedroom.

It wasn’t until he was on pointe (or as much as he could do in his sneakers) and in mid-pirouette that he realized it. He saw himself in his dresser mirror and nearly toppled over his bed. He couldn’t believe himself. He’d been trying forever to forget that he ever wanted to be a dancer. He didn’t like the sudden hurt that hit him in the chest when he realized what he was doing.

He flopped onto his bed with a huff.

Maybe James was right. Maybe he was wasting his life.

He started to text Joseph.

And then he realized something else.

He hadn’t spoken to his so-called best friend in over a month. Close to two, actually.

The guilt made him want to bury himself in a hole. He texted him anyway, and tossed his phone to the side when he didn’t receive an immediate response. Who was he kidding? Joseph had probably forgotten all about him. If Kendall was such a liar, slacker, life-waster, who would want to be his friend?

Kendall hated being moody. But he figured it came with being a teenager.

He didn’t like thinking about dancing. He really didn’t like that thinking about dancing led him to thinking about James.

“Hey Mom,” Kendall greeted, trudging down the stairs.

“What’s wrong?” She responded immediately, her mom instincts kicking in.

Kendall shrugged a shoulder, clambering onto the couch with her in the living room. She pulled him to her chest and he rested against her.

“Am I… am I an awful person?”

“Kendall, honey! No!” She looked almost hurt that he would think it. “What would give you that idea?”

Kendall sighed. “It’s just. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Am I wasting it away? Am I making any kind of impact on anyone at all? Or am I just going to… I don’t know… fade out of existence?”

“Kendall, _sweetie_.” His mother kissed him on top of his head, stroking his arm. “You’re just a teenager. You’ve got lots of time to figure out what you want to do. And you’re in a new place. Of course you’re going to feel like a fish out of water. But it’s going to get better, I promise.”

Kendall didn’t feel much better. “I’m… thinking about changing my classes at school on Monday. I’m thinking of auditioning for the higher levels in the dance program.”

His mother grew quiet. “Are you sure?”

“No. I’m not sure about anything.” He pulled away from his mother and hugged his knees to his chest. “I haven’t really done it since…… you know.”

“I know.”

“But this guy keeps telling me I have a gift that I’m wasting. And he’s so stubborn about it. He won’t let up.”

“Kendall, I support whatever you choose to do. Follow your heart.” She kissed Kendall on the forehead as she stood up. “I’ve got to run to the grocery store. Do you want anything?”

Kendall shook his head. She patted his cheek and headed for the door.

“Hey, Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

…

_Haven’t heard from you in a while. Guess you’re all caught up in the West Coast. :-/_

Kendall frowned at the text. All he could text back was: _I’m sorry. Things have been really hectic. I’ll explain later._

His Ballet I class began.

Kendall was bored. Bored to tears. He started hating it with a burning fiery passion. Everyone around him annoyed him with their constant _questions_. No one knew what to do. And Kendall didn’t get it, because it wasn’t that fucking _hard_.

He moped through his other classes.

“Hey,” Carlos greeted after Acting I, in his knee-high chucks and feather earring. “You look bummed. Pink smoothie?”

Kendall offered him a smile. “So good to see you Captain Jack.”

“Shut up,” Carlos laughed. “What’s eating you?”

“Your buddy James,” Kendall sighed. “You know he’s been messing with me, right?”

“Still?” Carlos asked, looking almost surprised. “I’m amazed he’s had time. He was here all weekend practicing for a school audition.”

“All weekend?” Kendall stared.

“Yeah. I ran by him last night around midnight, and he was in one of his hardcore states.” Carlos’ face contorted to something more worried, bothered. “…He’d written all his flaws on the mirrors in the room to remind him to fix it. I hate it when he gets like this. You can’t talk to him. You can’t tell him to stop. He’s obsessed.”

“Why is he trying so hard?”

“I don’t know. He doesn’t have to. He’s amazing. But he never thinks he’s good enough.”

Kendall did notice that James hadn’t done anything to him that morning. In fact, he hadn’t seen James once, not even in his peripheral vision in the hallways. James had vanished from fucking existence. In all his moping, he didn’t realize he was having the easiest Monday he’d had in weeks.

“He _is_ really good,” Kendall murmured, the vision of James dancing for him burned into his retinas. He looked down at his own skinny legs and wondered how James could possibly think Kendall could measure up to that level of skill. “…Anyway. Lunch?”

“Every day, man.” Carlos swung an arm around Kendall’s waist when they made their way down the stairs.

It really had become an everyday thing. Carlos always took Kendall to lunch. Oftentimes, Camille would join them too, and they would walk to whatever restaurant they were feeling for the day. The deli around the corner was still their main crashpad, and the staff knew them by name. Kendall did love the pink smoothies after all.

“Hey guys, wait up!” Camille beckoned from the top of the stairs, rushing after them with her bag slung over her shoulder and her chestnut curls waving in the breeze. “I’m starving. I’m not going to come between you guys’ little love fest, am I?”

“Love fest?” Kendall raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, you two are practically boyfriends nowadays. Attached at the hip!”

Carlos bumped his hip against Kendall’s. “Please, he’s so not my type.”

Kendall flushed bright red. “What?”

Carlos and Camille chuckled at Kendall’s expense.

“We’re just teasing you,” Carlos added on after a few minutes, squeezing Kendall into his side. “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna hit on you or anything. You know, unless you want me to.”

They waved at the staff at the deli and ordered their usual (and Carlos got his cookie), then nestled into a booth in the corner of the place, far away from the mass of clientele that was always in the place come lunchtime.

“Speaking of which, did you ever really have a love life back in NYC, Kendall?” Camille asked, stirring her straw in her smoothie to thin it out a bit.

Kendall leaned over his own. “No. I was kind of a loner back in NYC. It was just me and Joe all the time.”

“Joe’s your burnout best friend, huh?” Camille smiled.

“He was. I don’t know if he is now. He seems pretty pissed that we haven’t talked very much.”

“Distance does that,” Carlos said comfortingly. “Don’t worry. You guys will catch up. A couple of months isn’t nearly enough time to get settled in a place like this. Los Angeles is a crazy joint.”

Kendall shrugged a shoulder. “I told him that I wouldn’t change.” He didn’t like talking about it. It made him feel all itchy and uncomfortable. “But I don’t really know if I am or not.”

“Well, you didn’t have a bedazzled backpack before,” Camille laughed, trying to lighten up the conversation.

Kendall rubbed his thumbs against the cold plastic cup containing his smoothie, leaving little marks in the small mist of condensation. Camille’s shoulders slumped a little.

“You’ve been down all weekend, Kendall. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I just… I’m thinking about… taking higher dance classes.”

Carlos crunched a potato chip between his teeth. “Why? Are you bored in the first level classes?”

“Yeah.”

“How good are you? Those classes are intense even for first years.”

“He’s amazing,” Camille answered for Kendall. “He pretty much choreographed my whole tap routine.”

“Wow, really? I saw that routine. It was really good.”

“Is that why James has been messing with you?” Camille asked offhandedly.

“Yeah, kinda.”

“Well, don’t let him make the decision for you,” Carlos said through a mouthful of food. “James is an intense guy, but he’ll lay off if you hold your ground.  Do things for you, man.”

Kendall stared into the pinky fluffy liquid in his glass. “I don’t know.”

“You’ll figure it out.”

...

“Are you sure?”

“I’ll be fine. It’s not that far. I just need a little time to figure out what I want to do. Maybe a little private time on campus will help me clear my head.”

Camille frowned. “Well, okay. But it’s already late. Call me if you need me to come pick you up. You know I will.”

“I’ll be okay, I swear.”

Kendall knew what he wanted to do to clear his head. And for the first time in a long time, it actually didn’t involve smoke drifting around his skull. He had his pointe shoes in his bag, new and ready to break in. That was when he heard it. The music. It was the piece that James had danced for him just a few days before.

Was that the piece James was practicing all weekend? Was that the piece that apparently had all kinds of flaws?

Kendall felt his heart drop at the thought. Kendall hadn’t danced in any professional form since he was a kid, but he knew that to perform something considered _flawed_ , _incomplete_ for another human being was… brave. And it made Kendall feel pretty honored.

And he hadn’t seen one problem with the dance.

He moved quietly over to the door of the studio, peeking through.

The mirrors in the room were littered with words in black dry-erase marker. Some made sense, like _Watch your feet in measure six,_ and _Keep in time with the sixteenth rest._ But Kendall could see the struggle over the days, growing in big black letters, larger and more quickly scrawled _STOP SCREWING UP. FAILURE. STOP SLACKING. TRY HARDER._

Kendall was horrified. It was like seeing every insecurity James had played out before him as he pushed the door further open. _YOU SUCK. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Do you even want to get into college? Do you want to be a dancer at all?_

And then, in the middle of the floor, the lights beaming down on him, was the crumpled form of James.

Kendall dropped his bag. “James! James! Hey!”

He rolled James over onto his back, the sweat sliding over Kendall’s fingers. James’ chest was heaving, his face twisted and contorted in pain.

“Wh-what… what are you doing here?” he half-breathed, half-groaned.

Kendall ignored James’ question and substituted his own. “What happened to you?”

“Just. Ungh—my legs. They cramped up. Really bad. I-I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.” He tried to raise up, but he swayed violently into Kendall’s shoulder. His skin burned against Kendall’s.

“You’re sick,” Kendall deduced. “You’ve got fever.”

“I’m fine,” James tried to argue, but through the haze of his pain, it lacked conviction.

“You’re dehydrated,” Kendall said, “How much water have you been drinking? How long have you been working on this?”

The song he had been dancing to faded into silence. James closed his eyes, looking like he wanted to cry. He tried to lift himself off of Kendall a bit, but he came toppling back over again.

“That’s it. I’m not leaving you here.” Kendall shouldered his bag, and then slid his arms under James’ knees and behind his back, cradling him as he lifted him from the floor.

“N-no. That’s not necessary. Put me down.”

“Shut up.”

Kendall carried James out of the studio, out of the building, and out into the night breeze. James’ head lolled against his chest, his cheeks colored with a mixture of fever and shame.

“Where’s your dorm?”

James pointed to one looming building just beyond the dance building. “2J.”

Kendall climbed the dimly lit stairs to James’ dormitory, and never complained, even when his arms started to ache under James’ weight.

“You got your keys?”

“There’s one on top of the sconce…” James winced, the muscles in his legs twitching. His voice was withering away. “Put me down. I can get it.”

Kendall leaned James against the door, ignoring his request as he gripped the little metal key in his hand.

James’ dorm was small. Which, yes, it was a dorm, so of course it was small. But it was extremely modestly furnished in comparison to what seemed to be the economic class that attended the place. He had a full sized bed shoved up against the wall, on what looked to be a very old headboard. He had no television, just a small boombox on top of some milk crates, and his tiny kitchen looked to be pretty empty on food. But all over the walls was dance memorabilia. Kind of like Camille’s room, except instead of pictures and posters of him, it was things he aspired to be, almost like he needed the constant reminder to push him forward. Kendall carried him over to his bed regardless and gently laid him down. His ballet shoes were still on.

“I’ll get you some water.”

“I can…”

“It’s fine. I got it.” Kendall grabbed a glass from the dish drainer and threw a few ice cubes in it, then filled it with tap water. “You can sip on this. I can run to the gas station and get you some Gatorade too. That’ll help.” He walked across the small space and pushed the glass into James’ hand.

James sipped on it, but he kept an eye on Kendall as he did so.

“You did too much. You’re pushing yourself too hard.”

“I don’t need a lecture.”

Kendall sat on the foot of his bed, giving him a critical look. “What if you’d been stuck there all night? Would you have preferred someone find you all dried out in the morning? People die from stuff like that.”

“I’m not gonna die. Christ. Don’t be so dramatic.”

Kendall reached over and brushed his hand over James’ forehead, his sweaty hair gliding over his fingers. James’ breath hitched.

“You’re running fever. Do you have any Tylenol or anything?”

James swallowed. “It’s on the counter. I took some yesterday morning…”

“So you’ve been sick for a couple of days?” Kendall huffed, going over to the bottle and popping the pills into his hand. “Here.”

James took the pills. “I’m sorry, okay? I have something important coming up. Excuse me if I actually care about something.”

Kendall glared, taking his seat back on James’ bed, grabbing his feet and pulling his ballet shoes off. “I care about things. Just because I don’t care about the same things you do doesn’t mean I don’t care at all. And I’m not the one with charlie-horses from hell.”

“You can leave. You took me home. You don’t have anything to feel guilty about.”

Kendall rolled his eyes. “I’m going to make sure you’re okay before I go anywhere, got it? It’s how I was raised. It’s how I am.”

“So you’re not a complete asshole. Good to know.” James took another swig of his ice water. Looking at him, Kendall could see every line of exhaustion on his face, the dark bruises of circles under his eyes, the sallow hue of his skin.

“Keep drinking on that,” Kendall said.  “I’ll run and get you some Gatorade. And some soup.”

“That’s not necessary.”

“Yeah, well, what are you gonna do about it? You can hardly move.”

 


	8.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 8/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Eight

Kendall milled around the gas station for a few minutes, filling his hand basket with bottles of orange and yellow Gatorade and some power bars, then managed to stop by the deli right before it closed and got a bowl of soup with a bread bowl to go. He carried his purchases up the stairs to James’ dorm, thoughts scattered in his brain.

He had planned to dance that evening. Instead, he was playing nurse to a guy that wasn’t really all that nice to him in the first place.

His mom had raised him to be a sap. That’s what’d she’d done.

He called Camille on his way up the stairs. “Hey, don’t worry about coming to get me. I went home with Carlos.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. I did. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay, sweetness. I’ll spread the word to the folks. Goodnight. Oh, and watch your back. Carlos likes to play pranks when people sleep.”

Kendall noted that for further reference, but he also couldn’t help but wonder how on earth Camille knew that. He unlocked the door, and stepped inside.

James was on the edge of his bed, curled over, pulling his shirt over his head. He was moving slowly, painfully, gritting his teeth as the long line of his back was exposed to Kendall.

“Oh…” he muttered, glancing in Kendall’s direction. “You’re back.  You wanna leave the key here this time?”

Kendall smiled, holding up the white paper bag. “I brought you soup.” He placed it on the counter awkwardly, along with the plastic bag from the gas station. “You… okay?”

James frowned, looking embarrassed. “I’m sore. I just wanted to put on some sweats.”

“Oh…” Kendall felt a blush creep up the back of his neck. “I can help.”

He helped pull the shirt over James’ head, then dug through James’ small dresser for a wife beater and sweatpants. And then he helped dress him. It was weird. It was really, really weird. Again, the guy wasn’t really Kendall’s biggest fan. Or maybe he was, considering his desperation for Kendall to _share his gift_. Afterwards, Kendall helped James to his tiny kitchen table and watched him hover over the broth Kendall brought back. He didn’t look much like he wanted to eat it, but he took a few tired bites.

His eyes were still weak and hazy with fever. Kendall kept forcing him to drink fluids.

“If you can’t keep them down, we’ll have to go to the ER.”

“No. We won’t. I don’t have health insurance. I’m not going to the hospital.” He let out a long sigh, almost like his entire body was deflating, but the line of his shoulders relaxed a little, probably more than Kendall had ever witnessed at least.

“Dude, you don’t have money? I thought everybody here had money.”

James closed his eyes slowly, like they were too heavy to keep open. “Do you?”

“Not… technically no. Moms and I came from pretty much nothing. After Dad died…” Kendall felt a sudden hurt well in his heart, and his words stopped short.

“Oh,” was all James responded with, his voice low and raw and tired.

“You okay?” Kendall reached across the table and brushed his fingers under James’ bangs, over his forehead.

“I’m fine. You can go now.”

Kendall frowned. “You’re still running fever.”

“It’s gone down. I’m way more hydrated. I can handle it.” James was leaning into Kendall’s hand, however, like it was holding his head up.

“Mmhm.” Kendall knew he sounded dubious.

He helped James back to bed, loaded up his bedside table, then plopped down in a chair nearby. It was hardly comfortable, but he wasn’t about to leave James to his own devices.

“Seriously. Get out,” James huffed.

“Nope.”

“Jerk.”

Kendall pulled out his phone to signify that he wasn’t about to move. “Gotta make sure you get those fluids, man.”

But by the time he looked up from his game of Tetris, James was fast asleep.

…

James only woke up three times that night. Twice to guzzle down liquids, and once to piss. And considering he got up on his own and seemed relatively fine, though a bit slow to move about, Kendall was pretty fine with leaving before James woke up. Besides, he hadn’t slept very well himself, and his neck ached from snoozing in the chair. He cut class and went straight home, feeling kind of like a good Samaritan, and really fucking pleased to get some real sleep.

He curled up in his bed and tried to ignore the sunshine raining through his window.

He dreamed of his dance class when he was a kid, pulling on his ballet shoes with an impish, childlike smile. He was so excited. Ballet class was _fun_ , plain and simple. He enjoyed every second of it, and even at the tender age of ten, he was trying his hardest to be the best. Because the best got to perform more on stage. And he really liked that. He liked performing. And when he found out that there was a production of _Thoroughly Modern Millie_ was auditioning people for a Broadway run, he knew he wanted to don some tap shoes and show them what he had.

But first things were first, he had to get ready for his dance recital, which was that evening.

“Okay, you all good, kiddo?” Kendall’s dad ruffled his hair. “Got your shoes? Your snack? Everything?”

“I’m fine, Dad,” Kendall giggled.

“Now, don’t overdo it. You’re going to be just fine tonight. You’re going to be great.”

“Thanks, Dad.” Kendall rolled his eyes like any kid would.

His father leaned in and pulled Kendall to his chest in a hug. “Kendall, I’m so proud of all your hard work.”

Kendall hugged back.

“So you’ll be there tonight?”

“Buddy, nothing would keep me from your recital.”

Except something did.

Kendall opened his eyes.

…

Music blasted through the studio, loud and staccato and powerful. _Rodeo_ , choreographed by Agnes DeMille and written by Aaron Copeland. He’d studied it briefly over the years, cast his eyes over footage on the internet when he was feeling  She had _created_ everything. Copeland’s music was riveting, but Agnes? Man, she had it. Just guiding himself through the movements made Kendall feel like a king.

It was the perfect ballet audition for the higher levels in the program. He figured he could follow with a lilting Mozart number, then tap for them if they asked. He had plenty of tap numbers.

He honestly wasn’t sure how he came to the decision. It was like every part of his brain was screaming _NO_ and flashing red signs at him. But he still decided to do it.

He was a little rusty though, so he figured some actual practice wouldn’t hurt.

“Hey! Look at you!”

Kendall turned, seeing Carlos, Logan, and Camille in the doorway, all grinning faces. Kendall blushed, grabbing the remote and turning off the stereo.

“What do you guys want?”

“Dude, the day’s over. Let’s go get dinner.”

Kendall smiled, knowing they’d probably waited around for him after classes ended. It was nice to feel wanted.

“Alright then.”

“Excuse me.”

All four heads turned again. James was standing in the opposite doorway, looking sheepish, like he’d just walked in on a party he wasn’t invited to.

“Oh, uh. Hey James.”

“I’m sorry… do you have plans?” James asked, not making eye contact with Kendall.

“Well, I—“ Kendall looked in direction of his friends. “…Why?”

“I wanted you to join… me. For dinner. Tonight. My treat.”

Kendall’s eyes widened.

“I mean, if you already have plans…”

“Nope!” Carlos yelped suddenly. “No plans.”

Kendall whirled around to stare at Carlos. “What about—“

“Bye!” Carlos was dragging Logan and Camille out the door.

“What?” Kendall didn’t even know what to do.

“Look, if you don’t want to, it’s fine,” James sighed. “I um… wanted to thank you. For helping me. That’s all.”

“You don’t have to wine and dine me to thank me. I was just making sure you were okay. Anybody would’ve done it.”

“No, see, that’s not true. Most people can’t stand me. Hell, you don’t even like me very much. But you still didn’t leave me there. And… that’s admirable. So I owe you an apology. And dinner. So let’s go.”

Kendall wasn’t quite comfortable with James spending money on him, considering he was pretty broke, but he also knew that James was probably the only person more stubborn than he was. Kendall showered and changed clothes, shrugging a button down over a t-shirt and jeans to combat the night air. James was dressed well, however – it made Kendall feel extremely underclass. James had a burgundy button down on over black slacks. He had a pair of dogtags peeking out from the slit where his shirt buttoned, but his chest was pretty well exposed. Kendall couldn’t help but think it really wasn’t fair for a guy to be that well-built.

They walked slowly down the sidewalks in relative silence, making Kendall severely regret his decision. He was betting Carlos and Camille and Logan were having the time of their lives at one of the local joints frequented by teenagers. James was all seriousness, his eyes a million miles away.

“So, um.. Where are we going?”

James came out of his trance. “Oh! Er… wherever you want. Do you like sushi?”

Kendall shrugged. “I’ve never had it.”

“What? How have you never had sushi?”

“Just never had the opportunity to try it.”

James’ lips twitched up at the corners. “Well, this seems like a good chance, hm? There’s a great place not too far from here if you don’t mind walking.”

“No, I don’t mind.”

“Good.” James shoved his hands in his pockets and upped his pace a bit. “Good.”

They walked the sidewalks for a good twenty minutes, and the silence was still awkward. Kendall had no idea what he had in common with James besides dance.

Then he decided that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to start off with that.

“So… I decided to give the higher classes a try. I thought I’d let you know in case you were using the meal to try to convince me.”

“I’m not. But good. You should.” There was a twinkle in James’ eye that Kendall hadn’t seen before. He was pleased. Kendall just wondered what it would look like if he smiled.

They arrived at a little sushi bistro a few minutes later. James asked the hostess for a table for two, and they were escorted over to a tiny, dimly lit table in the back of the corner. Private. Kendall shifted a little uneasily in his shoes. The restaurant had a bit of a romance to it considering they were just grabbing some grub.

“I haven’t been here for dinner in a long time,” James said softly, scooting his chair closer to the table.

The hostess set down menus and glasses of water, asked them if they needed anything else, then disappeared, probably off to find their waiter.

“It’s really… uh… fancy. I feel underdressed.”

James waved his hand. “You’re fine. People come in here in sweats and stuff all the time and get take out.”

“Do you eat here a lot?”

“I used to wait tables here, actually. Until the school offered me work study. Now I do that instead. It’s easier on my schedule.” He traced his finger around the rim of the goblet that his water came in. “Nobody really knows me anymore though. The turnover rate is so quick in the restaurant biz.”

“Yeah,” Kendall nodded. “I worked retail back home. It was the worst.”

“Gross. Retail.”

Kendall chuckled. “Totally. So, you work at the school?”

“Yeah. I think the Dean has a lot of faith in me. He tries to work with me as much as he can. I got into the place on full scholarship. I’d hate to let him down.”

“Wow, full scholarship? That’s pretty crazy.”

“Yeah,” James sighed. “It’s a lot to live up to. But I have to get better so I can get into a good college. I need that dance scholarship.”

“You’ll get it,” Kendall said easily, opening up his menu. “So what’s good here?”

James scanned his own menu. “It’s all pretty good. If you want to start on easy sushi, a crunchy shrimp roll or shrimp tempura is good. Or spicy tuna.”

Kendall smiled. “Maybe I’ll be adventurous. I’ve never had eel before.”

“Eel is pretty good. Acquired taste. We can get some rice too, if you like. We can share it.”

“Sure.”

The waiter came over, took their order, and left. Kendall took a swig of his water and let out a refreshed _Ah._ “So. You’re obviously feeling better. Still drinking your fluids and whatnot?”

“I’m not going to end up a crumpled heap on the dance floor again, no.”

“Good.”

“Thank you, by the way…. I know I was kind of a jerk to you. I want you to know that I appreciate all the help. You stayed with me all night…. People don’t really do that for me. Never really did.”

“What, your mom and dad never stayed up with you when you were sick?”

James cast his eyes down to the table. “Mom was always working. Dad and I… it’s complicated.”

By the look on James’ face, Kendall figured he didn’t want to push that conversation any further for the moment. “Oh.”

“What have you done dance wise?” James asked.

“Not much. I haven’t really danced much since I was a kid. I was going to audition for _Thoroughly Modern Millie_ when I was a kid. Just for an ensemble part. But it would’ve been a Broadway credit. Non-equity…. Never made the audition though.”

“You’re a good tapper. You would’ve done really well in that show. Why didn’t you audition?”

“Let’s not talk about that right now.”

“Okay…” James raised an eyebrow, intrigued.

The waiter brought their food over with a smile, and after refilling their water, left them to their own devices. Kendall had a difficult time working his chopsticks, jabbing and poking at his sushi.

James laughed.

Kendall stared.

When James lips curled back, and his eyes lit up, and his pearly whites flashed, Kendall nearly dropped his utensils. That just wasn’t fair. James was a beautiful human being.

“Here. Here, I’ll teach you.” James reached across the table and adjusted Kendall’s hands.

“Wow,” Kendall said.

“What?”

“You should smile more often.”

James looked sheepish. “Oh. Um. Thanks.”

Kendall enjoyed the sushi. He actually started to really enjoy the conversation as well. James talked about all his dance experiences, his shows, and Kendall felt like he was being whisked back to childhood, when things were still bright and shiny and exciting. They shared stories of their friends. Kendall learned about Carlos’ crazy shenanigans; James got to learn about Joseph a little bit. Kendall talked about his mom and his sister and how they’d come to reside in L.A. with Camille and her dad.

“What about you? Do you live with your family when school’s out?”

James shook his head. “No…. no. I actually kinda live with Carlos during the summer. He and I were freshmen together. He found out I really didn’t have anywhere to go, so… his folks just kinda took me in. But I like being on my own at the dorm. My schedule is all kinds of odd hours.”

“You don’t have anywhere to go?” Kendall felt his eyebrows arch.

“It’s complicated, like I said.” James put a credit card in the little black book on the table, paying the check. “That being said, it’s really cool that your mom picked up her life just to help you and your sister.”

“Yeah… she’s always thinking about us.”

“Must be nice.”

“It is.”

James tipped as generously as he could and they left the restaurant together.

“So do you know why Carlos is so clingy? Is it really the theatre kid thing?”

“Ummm,” James  stretched his arms into the night sky. “Kind of. He’s definitely a cuddly guy. But he falls in love really easy, so be careful.”

Kendall felt dread in his chest. He hoped he hadn’t enjoyed Carlos’ clinginess too much. Then again, Carlos seemed perfectly fine with Kendall ditching him to eat with James. Encouraging even. That was weird.

“He really wanted me to do this tonight.”

“Yeah, he likes it when his friends are friends with each other, I think.”

“So you think he’ll be happy with how this whole thing turned out?”

James smiled again. “I’d say it could’ve gone a lot worse.”


	9.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 9/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Nine

“Hey! How’d it go?”

Kendall did not expect his friends to be up waiting for him when he got back. He checked the time on his cell phone – it was a little past eleven.

“Uhh….” Kendall blinked. “Fine? What are you guys still doing here?”

Logan didn’t look up from his textbook. “Don’t ask me. I got roped in to staying. I have nothing to do with this. Talk to the giggle twins.”

As if on cue, Carlos and Camille burst into a little fit of giggles. Kendall grimaced at them, embarrassment creeping up his back.

“Did you have fun?” Camille asked.

Kendall shrugged. “I guess.”

Carlos made a face. “What do you mean you guess?”

“It was fine. He just took me to dinner to thank me…”

“For what?” Camille looked confused.

And she should’ve. Because Kendall had conveniently forgotten to tell her the truth of his whereabouts a few nights before. Carlos raised his eyebrows, intrigued and amused.

“Yeah, Kendall, for what exactly?”

Logan’s eyebrow quirked behind his book, but it was the only interest he showed.

“I… nothing really. Really.” Kendall made a huge gesture of yawning and stretching. “Man, I am tired. I think I’ll go to bednowgoodnight-“ Kendall made a run for it, but Camille and Carlos were hot on his heels, grabbing him by the arms with a laugh.

“Just tell us! Was it a date?”

Kendall was completely blindsided by the question. “What? No!” The assumption almost made him angry. “Why the hell would you think that?” He and James may have had a nice dinner, but that didn’t mean they got along.

“Well. It was dinner. Just the two of you. And he was all fancy looking.”

Kendall glared. “No. It wasn’t a date. He was… apologizing. For the crap he gave me. And _thanking me_ for deciding to join the higher dance class on his advice. So there.”

“You’re joining the class?”

“Yeah. If they’ll have me.” Kendall paused. “I’m going to bed now.”

“Noooo! Stay up with us!”

“Um,” Kendall crossed his arms. “If I’m going to nail my audition for Mr. X tomorrow, I need to be well rested.”

Feeling proud of himself, Kendall made his way up the stairs. But he did hear Carlos just before he was out of earshot:

“See, that sounded a lot like James.”

…

Kendall curled to one side, touching his toe, feeling the burn of stretching muscles down his back and arms, then turned to the other side, doing the same. He spread his legs and leaned forward, flattening himself into the floor. Then his torso was up and he was bending each of his arms over his head. Stretching was crucial. He was about to lay all he had out on the floor, as soon as Mr. X and the other staff members arrived at his audition.

James was leaning against the wall. Kendal could see him in the mirror, his hazel eyes trained on Kendall’s curving form.

“Don’t overdo it on the stretching. Be spry, but don’t wear yourself out.”

“I know what I’m doing.”

“I know. Just offering advice.”

“Here, stretch my leg back.” Kendall lie flat on his back, and James sighed, walking elegantly over and leaning near Kendall.

Kendall lifted his leg, and James pushed it toward Kendall’s chest. Even after all the stupid date talk, Kendall wasn’t uncomfortable with James helping him. The stretches came with being a dancer. He knew that. James knew that. There wasn’t anything weird about it. They stretched the other leg without a word.

“I think you’re flexible enough,” James said, hopping up onto his feet and offering Kendall a hand up. “You’ll do fine.”

Kendall took it. “You’re just happy I’m doing what you say.”

“Well, I’m right, so. Yes.” James looked smug. It made Kendall want to smack him.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Kendall rolled his eyes, crossing the room to dig in his bag for his music. “So you’re convincing. So what?”

“I’m extremely convincing.” James looked in the mirror and fussed with his hair. “Mercedes says it’s because I’m so handsome.”

“That’s because Mercedes wants to sleep with you.” Kendall didn’t know for sure. Hell, he hardly knew Mercedes. He just knew that she always walked around like the room smelled, and treated James like a god. He wasn’t sure he liked her much.

James laughed. “I seriously doubt that.”

Kendall raised an eyebrow. James sounded so sure. Kendall was surprised James was so amused by it.

“Are you saying that so I’ll admit that you’re handsome? Because I won’t.”

“No,” James shook his head, still looking beyond amused. “You know, you’re a lot more tolerable than I expected you to be. I thought you were just a lazy asshole.”

“Nope. Just an asshole.” Kendall pulled his hoodie over his head and threw it over in the corner with his bag.

Mr. X and his crew arrived. It looked like the principal of the school and the head of the dance department decided to help with the decision making process. James greeted them all warmly, all grace and good-student, then stepped over to Kendall on his way out.

He whispered. “Knock their socks off. I’ll see you in class.”

Kendall felt nervousness chill in his blood as James headed out the door. Suddenly he wasn’t so sure.

“Good day, Mr. Knight. You may proceed with your audition whenever you like.”

Kendall wondered if months from then would count as _whenever you like._ But he swallowed and made his way over to the stereo. He started his CD, then made his way over to his spot on the floor.

There were a few moments of silence. Kendall closed his eyes and breathed.

The music started.

He danced. He threw everything he had into the routine, all the way through his ballet number, until he was sweating and panting, and his cheeks were stained red. And he did the same through the next two numbers he prepared.

He caught sight of James once or twice, peeking in through the door, his face lit up like a summer sky. It made Kendall feel pretty proud of himself. Because if James knew one thing – he knew dance. So for him to be so thrilled to see Kendall in the middle of it – well, Kendall had to be doing a good job.

He snuck a peek at the judges when it was all over, and they looked just as pleased as James did.

Good. Very, very good.

Mr. X let out a long sigh. “Well, Mr. Knight. I am very impressed. _Ex_ quisite work. A bit sloppy in some places, but nothing my classes will not be able to assist you with. I believe we all agree that you move up to the higher courses, effective immediately.”

Kendall let out a long breath he had no idea he’d been holding. “Thank you. Thank you, sir.”

He left the room first, allowing the three higher officials to talk about how everything went, his bag and hoodie slung over his shoulder. James was right outside.

“Well?”

“I’ll see you in class,” Kendall smiled.

James lit up like fireworks. Kendall had never seen him so happy. “That’s awesome!”

Kendall nodded, filled with pride. “I guess I should thank you… for pushing me to do it.”

James shook his head. “I’m sorry for being a dick about it.”

“It’s fine. I’m sure it’s the only way you know how to do things.”

“Shut up!”

James smiled again. Kendall came to a realization.

“You really didn’t like me before, did you? I mean, if you smile this much around people that you get along with, you must have really hated me.”

“I don’t like people who take advantage of their gifts.” James’ face fell a little, and he was suddenly distant. “Things can be taken from you in a second. Never take advantage of the things you have.”

A flash of his dad’s face played before Kendall’s eyes, and he was suddenly filled with guilt.

“You’re right. I shouldn’t have.” He crossed his arms, frowning. After a long moment, he tried to lighten the conversation. “Um… Mr. X says I’m a little sloppy. Maybe you can help me on that?”

“I’d be happy to. Did he mention anything specific?”

“No, but I’m sure you of all people will notice.”

…

“What is he doing here?”

Mercedes scowled. It really made her face ugly, which was a shame, because she was such a pretty girl.

“He’s in the class,” James said nonchalantly, shoving his things into the cubby holes on the far wall.

Kendall gave her his friendliest smile. Mercedes expression didn’t change. She looked at him like he was a bug that needed squashing.

“But he was in the beginner class yesterday.”

“And now he’s in this one. What’s the problem?” James started stretching as he spoke. “He’s a lot better than the beginner class. He auditioned and now he’s in this one.”

“Um… okay.” She gave Kendall the stink eye all through class, especially whenever he got any praise.

After class, she waited until she and Kendall were the only ones in the room.

“I don’t know what your game is, but you need to stay away from James.”

She was quick to the point. Kendall didn’t really know what she was getting at though.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“I don’t have any game.” Kendall raised an eyebrow at her. “What does James have to do with anything?”

Mercedes scoffed. “Like you don’t know.”

“I _don’t_ know.” Kendall stood there, making a face at her, completely baffled to her problem with him.

“Listen. James is _my_ ticket to the big time, and you are _not_ going to get in my way. He’s the best student here, and that’s why he is _my_ partner. So don’t even think about swindling him into your little ragtag bunch of misfits. Got it?”

Ragtag bunch of misfits?

Who the fuck did she think he was? Scooby Doo?

“Um… okay?”

Mercedes was gone in a flash of blonde hair.

…

Kendall wasn’t too worried about a pretty little rich girl.

“You need to slow down,” James said. “You’re getting too excited around measure twenty-six and you’re taking the counts too fast. That’s what’s making you look sloppy.”

“Okay, how’s this?”

“That’s better.”

Carlos made a dramatic groan from over in the corner, huddled with Camille. “Guys. I’m hungry. Can we go now?”

Kendall huffed. “Carlos, you had a cupcake five minutes ago.”

“Yeah. It pissed my stomach off. I need like. Burritos. Now.”

Kendall laughed. A chicken burrito did sound pretty good. “Okay, okay. You coming, James?”

James looked like a deer in the headlights. “You… want me to come?”

“Sure, why not? Get changed.”

“Oh. Um. Cool.”

Kendall changed into his sweats and sneakers, pulling the hood up on his head to cover the mop of sweaty hair he’d acquired during practice. He’d had to drop out of the acting class to open up time for his dance projects, but Camille and Carlos always waited around for him and kept him company when he needed it. He didn’t always. James was a solid rock, helping him through his flaws and showing him new ways to do things. Even with all of Kendall’s experience watching and loving dance, James always surprised him with his flexibility and power. He was pulling new things out of Kendall with ease, and there was something not just terrifying about it – but completely electrifying as well.

They all made their way down to a little hole-in-the-wall Mexican grocery store that actually sold authentic food over the counter. Carlos often showed up on campus with a white paper bag filled with delicious burritos and tacos and tamales, and his fellow students crowded around and enjoyed the treats he offered. Considering James was friends with them, Kendall couldn’t help but think he looked like a fish out of water.

Carlos was talking a mile a minute – which he always did – about the things Kendall was missing in acting class.

“We’re finally starting Meisner training. It’s so hard core. I took a workshop on it back a year ago. I cried all the way home and I had nothing to cry over. It just gets in your skull, man. It’s all about being completely vulnerable with yourself.”

“I doubt I’d be any good at it,” Kendall laughed. “I’m not much of an actor.”

“He’s right, you know,” Camille butted in. “Kendall can’t lie to save his life. I have to lie for him all the time.”

“Hey, I lied plenty of times to stay out of trouble back in NYC.”

Camille’s phone rang as they were coming up on the store. “Oh, that’s Logan. Go on in, guys. I’ll catch up.”

“Okay.”

The three of them went in. Carlos ordered what sounded like way too much food in complete Spanish and they trolled around the store while it cooked.

“Camille’s still outside,” Carlos sighed. “She’s so attached to Logan. I don’t get it. They’re nothing alike.”

Kendall raised an eyebrow at Carlos, running his finger over  glass bottle of soda that he’d never heard of. “Why does it matter?”

“It doesn’t.”

“Then why are you complaining?”

“Because he had a crush on Camille before she started dating Logan,” James tacked on, the first thing he’d said the whole trip.

“What?”

“I’m over her,” Carlos spat. “She’s one of my best friends. I just don’t want someone holding her back, y’know?”

“Logan’s gonna be a doctor. He won’t be holding anyone back.” Kendall eyed Carlos, “And I didn’t know you liked Camille like that.”

“You thought I liked dudes, didn’t you? I like guys too.” Carlos smiled. “I’m open to whoever I fall for. I’m not going to categorize myself for anyone.” He grabbed a couple of bottles of the soda and made his way to the counter to purchase them.

Kendall looked at James.

“I told you he falls easily. He liked me too. For about five minutes.” James laughed. “Then he realized I was kind of a jerk so.”

“Does he stay friends with _all_ his crushes? That can’t be fun.”

“Kid recovers quickly from heartbreak. Then again, I don’t think he’s ever felt anything more than puppy love for anyone.” James sighed. “He’s just looking for that one person that _gets_ him. I think we’re all guilty of that.”

Camille popped in through the door, all smiles. “How long til food’s on?”

“Just a minute or two,” Carlos said from the counter. “Do you guys want anything else?”

“No, I think we’re good,” James said.

Kendall watched Camille saunter to the counter and hug Carlos from the side, the two of them playfully arguing over who got the check.

“Do you think he liked me too?”

James shrugged a shoulder. “Maybe.”

Kendall grimaced. “He shouldn’t.”

James smiled, patting Kendall on the back. “Hey, you’re likable – to a degree.”

“Shut up.” Kendall couldn’t fight the grin that spread over his face. He shoved James into the shelf.

James laughed. “Seriously though, don’t worry about it so much. Carlos is tough. He’ll be fine.”

They ate in the parking lot, leaning against vehicles that didn’t belong to them and the concrete wall of the building.

“So I was thinking,” Carlos said through a mouthful of food. “We’ve got a three day weekend next month. Why don’t we all go to my parents’ beach house in Malibu? It’d be fun!”

“Sounds awesome.” Kendall smiled. “I haven’t been to the west coast before.”

“You’re gonna go too, right, James?”

James nearly choked on his food. “What? Oh, um. Maybe. It depends on what I have going on. I might have an audition or something.”

Kendall took a large bite of his burrito and eyed James. James looked beyond uncomfortable with being invited. It was almost like he’d never hung out with people before.

It was weird. Kendall had kind of just fit right in. James stuck out everywhere he went. When he was in class, he outshined the rest of the dancers, standing out like a glimmering star in a black night sky. When he was among the rest of the social set, he was so awkward that it was hard not to look at him. He just looked massively uncomfortable.

“What, are you scared?” Kendall challenged.

“No,” James argued, immediately taking the bait. “Why the hell would I be scared?”

“Well, you’re making excuses. You should go. You know. Unless you’re scared.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m just saying.”

James rolled his eyes, then snapped his head over to Carlos. “Fine. I will go.” Back to Kendall: “There, happy?”

Kendall smiled. “Yes.”


	10.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 10/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Ten

Weeks passed. Kendall felt them breeze by him in a haze. He was so buried in all the work he had to do. The school year kicked into full gear, and being in Mr. X’s class, no matter how naturally gifted everyone thought he was, was still insanely difficult. He went home every night with heavy eyes and aching limbs. He was learning a lot, but he was exhausted. He ended up having to change his diet and sleep schedule just to keep up with the intensity. James gave him a book full of recipes including protein shakes, and though a few of them were hard to swallow, Kendall was able to kick his smoothie habit. Sort of.

He and James were attached at the hip. He wasn’t quite sure how it happened, but throughout the classes and the practicing, he was always in the studio. And so was James. So yeah. That happened.

Mercedes Griffin was not pleased at that outcome at all. Especially when it came time to pick partners.

It wasn’t like it was Kendall’s fault. He was making his way over to ask a mousy brunette if she wanted to partner up when James laid his claim.

“Kendall, be my partner.”

Kendall raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Be my partner.”

“Aren’t we supposed to partner up with girls?”

James rolled his eyes. “There are no rules for gender specification. Besides, I have an idea, and I need you to help me with it. I’ve got this great idea for a dance.”

“Uhhh, James, I thought we were going to be partners?” Mercedes’ voice teetered on shrill almost immediately, her eyes casting darkly over Kendall.

“Sorry,” James said, not noticing any implications behind her death grip on his arm. “I’m spoken for, I suppose. Right?”

Kendall didn’t want to agree. He really didn’t.

But actually he kinda did.

“Uhh… whatever you wanna do… James.”

“Excellent. I will fill you in about all the details during practice tonight. It’s gonna look great.”

Kendall didn’t look Mercedes in the eye after that. He was fairly certain he would explode.

…

“Oh man. Nooooo.”

“What?”

“Mercedes Griffin? She is _not_ the girl you want to piss off.”

Somehow the nail sticking out of Carlos’ forehead made his statement more dramatic. Carlos had just gotten out of Stage Makeup. Kendall couldn’t stop staring at the fake wound, which was saying something considering Carlos’ jeans were covered in sequins.

“Yeah, I kinda got that by the evil glare she’s been burning into my skull for the past few weeks.”

“No, Kendall. You don’t _understand._ Her dad is like. Satan. El Diablo. Scary. And he does everything for his daughter. They’re super loaded. I bet he has a hit on you right now. Mobsters are gonna shoot you down in no time.”

Kendall rolled his eyes. “You’re being dramatic.”

Carlos crossed his arms, raising his eyebrows. “Only a little. That’s the bad part.”

“Hey, quit dicking around. We’ve got practice to do,” James greeted, coming up behind Kendall on the steps and mussing his hair. “Come on.”

“I can’t dance right now. Didn’t you hear? Mercedes put a hit out on me!” Kendall laughed. “I’m going to be shot down in a few minutes. I bet there’s a sniper rifle trained on me right now.”

“Well, you’ll be less likely to be shot if you’re not sitting around.” James hooked his arms under Kendall’s and pulled him to his feet.

Kendall stumbled a little, falling back against James’ chest. “You are way too excited to start this little project of yours. Did you force me into joining the class for this purpose?”

James raised an eyebrow, craning his neck to leer over Kendall. “You’ll never know for sure.”

Carlos leaned on a hand and smiled up at them. “Oh, stop it. Stop flirting.”

“What?” Kendall raised an eyebrow.

“Come on. We’ve got work to do.” James completely ignored Carlos’ comment, dragging Kendall off to the dance studio.

He closed and locked the door, which he didn’t usually do when he practiced. “I don’t want any of this to get into other people’s hands right now. This… this, Kendall, is going to be the most personal thing I’ve ever produced.”

Normally, Kendall would have interrupted. Taken the opportunity to smart off or poke fun at James. But there was something fiery in his eyes, something that glued Kendall’s feet to the floor, made his pulse jump in his veins.

“Okay…” Kendall swallowed. “What’s it about, James?”

James was tying his shoes on. “You’re about to learn a lot about me.”

He turned on the music, moving around the floor, trying different little movements in the swell of the romantic, lilting little tune.

Kendall stood there awkwardly, not really sure what James wanted him to do.

“It’s about the first time I fell in love,” James said gently. “Come here. Put on your shoes.”

Kendall did as he was told, watching as James lowered himself to the floor, flat on his back. “I want to improvise a little. But this is how I want to start. Reach out to me and help me up.”

Kendal lifted his arm from his side, trying to keep a good dancer’s posture as he leaned over James. James’ fingers laced around Kendall’s palm, and he twisted and curled upwards, upwards, upwards, until he was on his toes in front of Kendall, face-to-face. He smiled and took a few steps back, not relinquishing Kendall’s hand. He moved slowly, with strength and motivation. For some reason, Kendall was immediately intimidated.

“What do you… er… want me to—“

“Dance with me, Kendall,” James pulled him closer. “We’ll work out the rest later. This is supposed to be romantic, uncertain, sexual, terrified.”

Kendall swallowed, moving around the floor with James. “I’m assuming that you… fell in love… with a guy?”

“So observant.”

They were ridiculously close. Kendall had to make special efforts not to step on James’ feet, their limbs intertwined, moving back and forth.

“Kendall, you need to relax.”

“You could have told me about this sooner, so I’d know what I was getting into, you know.”

“Why would I do that? You’re a great improviser.”

“Yes, but I didn’t know the theme—“

“Are you ashamed of it?...” James’ face fell. “I can change it if you’re uncomfortable. I just had a lot of things in mind…”

“No. No, that’s fine. I was just… uninformed.”

They continued their dance for a minute or two.

“What happens after this part?”

James’ eyebrows knitted together briefly. “We get to symbolize my dad kicking me out of the house.”

James’ hands slid to Kendall’s waist, and Kendall bit back a yelp of surprise, leaping off the floor as James spun. Then, he was slowly being lowered to the floor, his nose slipping just briefly against James’. His breath caught.

“Uh… I think that’s good for today. Don’t you?” James looked a little flustered. Kendall understood.  Dancing that close to him was… weird.

Kendall broke away from James, realizing that they were still a little wrapped up in one another. “Yeah. Yep. Definitely enough for today.”

A long pause.

“Um… so… when do you want to practice?”

“Oh, uh. You know. Whenever you’re free.” James’ face was growing redder by the second. He quickly threw himself into the business of packing his things. “I’ll call you.”

“You don’t have my number.”

“Well, we should fix that, shouldn’t we?”

“We should. We should.”

Kendall reached out and snatched James’ cell phone before he could offer and programed his name and number into it. “There. You can call or text me. You know. Whenever _you’re_ free.”

“Yeah. Of course.”

Kendall didn’t think James would call him. At least not right away. Kendall knew he had to kick the awkwardness out of the room before they tried again.

…

_Some friend you’re turning out to be._

Kendall stared at the display on his phone, smoke creeping from his lips like snakes slithering up his face. He hit the ‘Call’ button.

“Oh, so a nasty text gets your attention. Good to know.” Joe didn’t sound pleased in the least.

“I’m sorry, okay?” Kendall choked a little on the smoke in his throat, coughing. “It’s been crazy.”

“Yeah, that’s been your excuse for two fucking months.”

Two months? It’d been two months? Kendall actually had to stop and count the days to realize that, yeah, it had. Well, almost.

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” Kendall felt guilt drenching him, weighing him into the chair. Even the weed in his system couldn’t keep him floating.

“You should be. You know how quiet it is in this city without you? I’ve got no one. I guess you got a whole bunch of new friends.”

Kendall briefly thought of Carlos and Logan and James and Camille, but he didn’t say anything about them. It wasn’t the time. “Joe, I’m dancing again.”

There was a long silence on the other line. Kendall thought he might have lost him for a second. “…Really?”

“Yeah. I’ve been working on a project for this school. I’m one of the best ones there.”

“You’re being humble. You’ve always been the best.”

Kendall’s heart hurt at the sadness in Joseph’s voice. He was honored that the guy thought so highly of him, even though he was a complete asshole for not calling.

“I’m really not.”

“Kendall, I know you sat outside those dance classes when waiting for me to finish my lessons. You did it every day. I’m not stupid. I know why you waited at the end of the hall instead of right outside my room.”

“Yeah, but you also sucked at the cello.”

Joe laughed, and it wasn’t hearty like Carlos’, or cautious like James’. It was smoky, a little rough and husky. Just like it’d been for years. It dragged Kendall across the states and into Joe’s bedroom, where they’d spent so many evenings just like the present: the sun dipping low in the sky, the windows open, smoke rising into the sky and disappearing. Except they weren’t on opposite sides of the country. Kendall missed him intensely in that moment, a long, aching homesickness that cut him to the core.

“I did. I really fucking did, man.”

“Are you playing it now?”

“Haha, fuck that. I can outwit anyone who comes between me and my smoke.”

Kendall took a puff, feeling like he was saluting his friend’s work.

“So you come across any hot chicks?”

Kendall nearly choked again. “I haven’t really been looking.”

He really hadn’t. The only girls he’d even really talked to at length were his cousin and Mercedes. And Mercedes kind of wanted to cut his balls off, so their conversations weren’t primo or anything.

“Really? Come on, man. You’re out there in the sunshine. It’s never fucking cold. Bikini tops. Always. Get some ass while you’re there. Jeez.”

Kendall wasn’t really interested in getting any ass. He hadn’t been in NYC either. Joe was always hanging on whatever pretty girl ventured into the reflection of his sunglasses. Kendall had found it rather amusing, but he’d never really cared when eyes lingered on him. He was always caught up in something else – his mind was steadily occupied.

Not that he hadn’t had lips on his dick or anything before. All kinds of things went down in THE Guitar Dude’s bedroom.

“I don’t need ass to survive like you do, dude.”

“Oh, come on. There’s gotta be _someone_ you wouldn’t mind boning.”

He saw a flash of eyes in his vision, long eyelashes and _intensity._ He shook them out of his mind. “No, dude. I’ve been so caught up in these dance classes, I hardly have time to think.”

“Well that’s good. You were never all that good at thinking.”

“Fuck you,” Kendall replied good-naturedly.

“So. Got any plans?”

Kendall shrugged a shoulder, then remembered Joe couldn’t see him. “I think I got roped in to going to Malibu next weekend. We don’t have classes next Friday.”

“Damn. _Someone’s_ living the life.” There was a twinge of jealousy that Kendall knew had nothing to do with money. After all, Joe had plenty.

“Don’t be mad at me.”

“Kendall…” Joe sighed, and Kendall imagined smoke blowing through the device. “You’re… replacing me.”

“What? No I’m not! You’re my best friend!” Kendall felt the words roll out of his mouth, more awkward, harder to say than they ever had been.

He didn’t like growing apart from people. He liked to think he made better efforts at things than that.

“Look, I gotta go. Dad’s knocking.”

“Joe—“

“Later.”

He hung up.

Kendall stared at his cell phone, sobered and depressed and feeling like a shitty friend.

He sighed.

He had the house to himself for the evening. Camille was out with Logan. Katie was staying over at a friend’s house – probably plotting to rule the planet or something. His mother and his uncle had gone out for drinks with the neighbors.

Kendall was no social butterfly. That was for sure.

He thought about calling Carlos and going out and getting in a little trouble, but his phone rang before he could.

“Hello?”

“Is this Kendall?”

“Yes.”

“It’s James.”

“Oh. Oh, hey.”

“Are you busy?”

Kendall chewed his lip, arguing with himself over whether or not to lie. He decided not to. “No, not really.”

“Do you want to meet at the studio?”

“Um… how about you just come here? I can order pizza and we can practice. The place is empty for the evening.”

“Oh…” James sounded nervous. Kendall could hear him fidgeting on the line. “Y-yeah. Sure. What’s your address?”

Kendall gave James directions to the place and they hung up. As he moved down the stairs, he couldn’t stop the weird, bubbling feeling in the back of his neck. That had to go. He wasn’t about to start awkward half-conversations with James. If James wanted to make a masterpiece, Kendall sure as hell wasn’t going to stand in his way.

He went over to the stereo and turned it on.

…

“Come in!”

“What are you doing?” James asked.

Kendall slid down the banister of the staircase and hit the floor on the balls of his feet. Click-clack.

“I. Am limbering up.”

The scrape of his flaps against the tile was particularly satisfying, especially when he did a fun little circle around James, who looked like he’d just stepped into Oz.

“But we’re not tapping.”

“So? Tapping’s fun.” Kendall grabbed James’ arm and pulled him further into the foyer. James fell in step with him – he couldn’t help it.

“I don’t have any shoes!”

“You have sneakers on right now. Make some noise!” Kendall twirled James, laughing.

“Are you high?”

He was a little. After all, he’d spent the past couple hours smoking. But James needed to loosen up. Big time.

“You should try it some time,” Kendall said. “You could use a little lightening up.”

“I have important things planned and you’re clicking around here like an idiot. You’re showing no kind of technique—“

“See?”

“Kendall—“

Kendall slid on his heels, raising an eyebrow at James. “ _James._ ”

James fought the smile with every muscle on his face, but he couldn’t stop himself. “You’re an idiot.”

Eventually, Kendall’s goofing settled down – mainly because the pizza guy got there and James refused to let him answer the door with a flare of fancy footwork.

They sat on the floor and ate pizza, just because.

“So, can we actually get to work after dinner?”

Kendall smiled. “Sure. After cheesy goodness.”

“I think we’ve had enough cheese for the evening, don’t you, Fred Astaire?”

“Never enough. Besides, it’s way more fun than working all the time.”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Yes, which is why I prepared that elaborate little show. Give me a little credit.”

“It wasn’t elaborate,” James said through a mouthful of food. “It was sloppy and completely lacking in technique.” He paused. “But thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

The awkwardness melted away into something warm and comfortable.

Then Kendall heard Joe’s words in the back of his brain, a sad little echo: _Kendall… You’re replacing me._ But he didn’t think he was. Joe was his best friend. Kendall didn’t feel the same way for James that he did about Joe. He didn’t really want to confront that either. He just knew that James was not squeezing into a best-friend slot in his heart. He was something alarmingly different.

Again, not something he wanted to think about.

More important things.

“James. Tell me about your masterpiece.”

 


	11.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 11/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Eleven

James was a genius. At least when it came to music. Kendall had witnessed a few stupid moments from the poor guy upon knowing him. But Kendall had fully come to the conclusion by the end of the evening, when they had worked out a good portion of the dance. It was so intricate and powerful. Kendall felt a little overwhelmed at the responsibility of performing it. James looked like he was near tears through the whole thing. Kendall was more focused on his feet and keeping up with James.

It was a bit easier (or at least less shocking) when James’ hands clasped Kendall’s sides, lifting him up, above his head. He wanted to bring Kendall down slowly, and for Kendall to make good use of his hands. It was so much more touchy-feely than Kendall was used to. Which was saying something, considering Carlos was so close to him. But it felt a little bit more right, his palms brushing over James’ jaw and neck and chest as he was lowered to the floor.

“Still a little sloppy,” James murmured.

Kendall huffed. “My fault?”

“Yeah, kinda. You’re anticipating it. You’re tightening up. It’s too stiff and unnatural.” Kendall’s shoulders sagged. James gave him an encouraging smile. “But don’t worry. We can fix it.”

Kendall looked James in the eye. He still looked sad. Lonely.

“We should fix it now. I want it to be perfect.”

James sighed. “Nothing’s ever perfect, Kendall.”

“Well then. We’ll just get it close.”

They practiced that lift about sixteen times before Kendall’s ribs started to hurt and James’ arms started to shake under the weight.

It still wasn’t right. Something was just lacking.

“Ugh. We’ll figure out something, I guess. Maybe we’ll cut the lift.”

“No, there’s no reason to do that. Let’s try it one more time and then call it a night on that move.”

“Okay.”

James made the effort, but his tired muscles decided not to, and Kendall was toppling over on top of him.

“That didn’t work,” James half-laughed.

Kendall tried not to laugh along, but he couldn’t stop himself. His body was exhausted from the day, and they’d been dancing for hours. It kind of felt nice to be on the floor for a minute. And he was way too tired not to find it funny.

“Better luck tomorrow, maybe.”

“If we can move.”

“Yeah. That.”

The front door opened then, and Kendall and James whipped their heads to the sudden intruder on their fun.

“What are you guys doing?” Camille asked.

Logan peeked around her, eyebrows raised high on his forehead. “Are we interrupting something?”

Kendall looked at James. Then he realized he was still sort of lying on top of him and rolled off of him – and promptly into a wall. “Ow. No. We were practicing.”

“Clearly,” Logan responded dubiously. The more Kendall got to know Logan, the more of a smartass the kid became. Sometimes he thought it was awesome. Other times he wanted to knock all of Logan’s perfect teeth out of his mouth.

“We _were!_ ”

“Okay.” Logan didn’t sound all that convinced.

James sat up, patting his hair, making sure it was still in place. “He’s telling the truth. I’m trying to perfect an idea in my head. If I can get it where I want it, I’ll have the perfect routine to audition for Julliard with.” Kendall felt like his lungs deflated.

“W-what?!” he sputtered. “ _Julliard?!_ I don’t want to audition for Julliard!”

James looked at Kendall like he was nuts. “…Why not?”

“Why not? Because… because I won’t get in, that’s why.”

“You will if we get this ballet perfected.”

Kendall’s mouth hung open. Suddenly a cold splash of fear struck him.

He didn’t _want_ to go to Julliard.

But he couldn’t bring himself to say it. “O-oh…”

“Awesome! I can’t wait for that audition. It’s so hard core, but I bet it’ll be crazy fun.” Camille grinned. “Speaking of fun, are you guys excited for fall break? Malibu!”

“Is it going to be warm enough? It’s almost November.”

“You’ve obviously never been to Malibu. It’ll be nice! The water might be a little chilly, but nothing we can’t handle.”

Kendall grimaced at Camille. Of course he’d never been to Malibu. James gave him a sympathetic look.

“I went when I was a kid. But it was in the middle of summer.” His voice trailed off, and he looked a little wistful. “I think my parents were still together then.”

The room grew quiet for a moment.

“So uh, where’s my dad?”

“Out. He and my mom took off with the neighbors a few hours ago.”

“How long do you think they’ll be gone?”

Kendall shrugged a shoulder. “I dunno. Maybe another hour or two?”

“Great. Come on, Logan.” Camille proceeded to drag her beau up the stairs.

Kendall watched them go, amused. “Enjoy the sex!”

“That’s not what we’re doing!”

“Yeah, whatever!” It was his turn to be dubious, and Logan wasn’t making a great argument. He turned to James. “Hope they’re not too noisy. We can walk to the studio if you want.”

James shook his head. “No. It’s okay. I think we’ve both had enough, don’t you?”

“Oh. Erm. Okay.”

“Look,” James said, slipping his shoes off his feet and shoving them into his sneakers. “I was going to tell you about the Julliard audition. I was. I just… I didn’t want you to freak out.”

“Freak out?”

“You just…” James huffed. “You’re having fun with this, I know. But you don’t seem all that excited about it. And you looked like you were gonna puke when I mentioned Julliard.”

“I’m not gonna back out of your project, James.”

“I’m not worried about that.”

“Yes, you are.” Kendall crossed his arms, suddenly feeling snotty and defensive. “You’re afraid I’m going to bail on you.”

“No, that has nothing to-“

“Look, I’ll help you, okay? But don’t rope me into your audition thing.”

James’ lips drew into a thin line. “Kendall… can we maybe talk about this some other time?”

Kendall didn’t know why his blood was running hot. He didn’t know why he had to treat something that James did all the time like it was some sort of big deal.

Kendall’s shoulders slumped. “…I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be a dick.”

James shouldered his bag. “It’s okay. But you should think about it, Kendall. You’re gifted. I have no doubt you’d get into Julliard.”

“You should doubt me some time, James. You really should.”

James wrapped an arm around Kendall’s shoulders and pulled him close. Kendall’s breath faltered at the sudden movement.

“…I can’t.”

And then he was gone, out the front door in a flash.

…

Kendall was glad that his mom had okay’d his trip to Malibu. He figured it had a lot to do with how charming she found Carlos. Carlos was a little teddy bear, bouncy and kid-ish, but heartwarmingly sweet. Mothers attached to him quickly. Katie had protested on the terms that she didn’t get to go, but she had plenty to do in his absence – including some sort of Youth Governor’s Association. Or something similar that would eventually have her ruling the world.

Kendall had no doubt.

What he didn’t like was how fucking early they had to leave. Malibu was only an hour – maybe two, depending on traffic – away. But Carlos insisted. He wanted to get to the beach just as the sun was rising. So he made sure that they left before four.

“Kendall. Kendall, get up.” Camille shook Kendall.

Kendall responded by murmuring incoherently.

“Come on, get up, silly.”

Kendall groaned. “It’s earlyyyyy.”

“Yes, and we’re hitting the beach by sunrise. Trust me, it’s totally worth it.” She still had to literally drag Kendall out of his bed. Camille was ridiculously strong. “Jeez, when’d you go to sleep.”

“Like two hours ago.”

“You knew we were leaving early!”

“I thought I could stay up!”

“Well, you didn’t.”

Kendall pulled himself to his feet and dragged himself and his duffel downstairs. “Okay, okay. But we are stopping at Starbucks. I give zero fucks if any of you guys think otherwise.”

“Way ahead of you,” came the response from James holding out the drink carrier. “I got you caramel macchiato with a double shot.”

“ _Glorious_.” Kendall grasped the cup and took a long sip on the scalding liquid. It was like nectar of the gods. “How did you know my coffee order?”

James shrugged. “I just… do? I guess I just remembered from you ordering it a while ago.”

“Come on, guys! Let’s go! I want to see the sunrise on the waves. Let’s go!”

Kendall waved a hand at Carlos. “Relax. We’ll make it. I do not do well with noise before I finish my coffee.”

“What happens?” Logan asked.

Kendall gave a pointed look to Logan, and Logan didn’t push it.

“Okay, so, I got my parents’ SUV so we can all fit. I got the back open so get your bags out there so we can go!” Carlos didn’t really turn down his excitement. Kendall grimaced him over his coffee cup.

“Do you ever sleep?”

“Sure, lots of times.”

“Here. I’ll get your bag,” James said sympathetically, reaching down and grabbing Kendall’s duffel from the floor.

“Well, aren’t you helpful,” Camille remarked. “Bringing him coffee, carrying his stuff…”

“I’m being nice. He’s not a morning person.”

“It’s not even morning yet,” Kendall whined, trudging out to the vehicle. “We’re gonna end up sleeping all day once we get to Malibu.”

“Maybe you will.”

They piled into the SUV. Kendall clambered over the seats to the very back, pulling his hat down and yawning over his coffee, seriously considering sleeping through the trip. The caffeine had perked him up a little too much though, so he was left feeling more like a zombie than anything else.

“Finish your coffee. You’ll be alive by the time we get there,” James said, flopping into the seat next to him. “I haven’t been to Malibu in years. I wonder if it’s still the same.”

“I don’t think sand and ocean changes all that much,” Kendall replied, shaking his coffee a little in his hand to mix it up. “What are you drinking?”

“Black coffee. I’m boring.”

Kendall smiled. “You are. You’re very boring.”

“We can’t all be sugar and caffeine and caramel.”

“Oh, yes. We can. We can change the world with sugar, caffeine, and caramel.” Kendall waved the cup under James’ nose, then took another long swig. “Mmmmm.”

“Not for 4 dollars a cup, we can’t. But it is a great attitude adjuster.”

“Smile!”

Kendall looked up to the flash of Carlos’ camera.

“Gotta document it all, dude. Road trip! Best friends! Woo hoo!”

Off they went, the sounds of the radio playing over talking and laughter. For a moment, Kendall was suddenly, completely overwhelmed. Because up until that moment, he hadn’t realized that they had not only asked him to come along – he _belonged._

He hadn’t been a part of something that solid in a long time. The small group around him really had become his friends in just a couple of months. He was dancing again. He was enjoying school. He was living the life that a teenage boy could be happy with.

But at the same time, there was a huge scary future, suddenly laid out before him, like the California interstate, as his life started whizzing by at seventy miles an hour. He felt like he hadn’t had the opportunity to think anything through and a million decisions were at the end of the road, growing ever closer by the second.

Even in the warm envelope of a newfound camaraderie, Kendall felt a little like he was suffocating.

“Hey. You okay?” James nudged Kendall. “You look weird.”

Kendall nodded, a little shakily. “I always look weird.”

James reached over and took the coffee cup out of Kendall’s hand, putting in the cup holder. “Maybe I ordered one-too-many shots of caffeine.”

“It’s fine. I’m fine.” Kendall tried to ignore the fear spinning in his chest. He wanted to have a good road trip, and if that meant swallowing down some bad feelings – well, he was going to do it.

He fell asleep on James’ shoulder after about fifteen minutes on the road, and when he woke up, the giggles and stares from his fellow occupants had pretty much told him that he had fallen into one of those obnoxious sleeping states with snoring and drooling and the like. James didn’t look the least bit bothered by it, though definitely amused.

“Did you have a nice nap?”

“Shut up. Where are we?”

“Dude, we’re here,” Camille said. Carlos pulled into a parking space and put the car in park.

“Well, let’s go see this sunrise.”

They all stumbled out of the SUV, and across the sand. The roar of the water caught Kendall first, blasting into his ears

“Hurry, guys!”

They were being hustled across the sand, with only the light of cell phones and the occasional flash of Carlos’ camera. The sky was dusky, a deep violet hue, set over an ink black ocean and pale ivory sand. It was almost like they had walked into a black and white painting.

And then, it came. It began with just a pop of orange, slipping up from the horizon and casting the monochrome world in deep amber. And as the golden ball broke into the sky, the world turned orange and red and yellow and sprung to life. The ocean glittered,  Carlos’ camera flashed, and Kendall was breathless.

It was easily the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

“Wow…”

James swung an arm around Kendall’s shoulder. “See? Worth it.”

“Isn’t it amazing? I told you!” Camille called out, making her way down the beach, pulling off her shoes so she could stand in the water.  “Ah, it’s like Oz or something!”

“It’s beautiful,” Kendall said softly, awed.

“Yeah,” James said.

Carlos took another picture. “James, you’re not even looking!”

By the time Kendall looked to James, however, his eyes were cast to the sun, and he was bathed in the deep amber glow. Kendall put an arm around James’ waist. He felt warm and safe, and he didn’t want the moment to end.


	12.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 12/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Twelve

Malibu was amazing. Kendall didn’t even care that he’d been so adamantly against all things rich. The weather was perfect, the waves were cool, and Kendall never wanted to leave. He had stretched out on a blanket on the sand, basking in the warm glow of the sun and planning to basically fry his skin off in a glorious, glorious nap. Carlos wasn’t having _any_ of that, however, and basically chased Kendall into the ocean with a squirt gun.

“Dude that’s cold!”

“Kendall, we are at the beach. You can’t just lie around on the sand all day.”

“Um. I’m at the beach. I can _absolutely_ lie around in the sand all day.”

Logan and Camille looked up from their sandcastle and shook their heads.

“Kendall, have a little fun. Relaxing is like. The only thing you know how to do.”

Kendall did think the only thing that would make the beach a little better would be a little weed. But he didn’t say that out loud, considering the look Camille was giving him. He shrugged at her instead.

“Relaxing is not a bad thing.”

“It’s boring!” Carlos said. “Come on! James is surfing! James is even doing stuff and he’s usually a stick in the mud.”

“I am not,” James argued, traipsing by with a surfboard under his arm. “I just have goals and-“

“Ambition. Yeah, we got it.”

“I have _important_ things to do,” James continued with more venom. “I can’t sit around and drink smoothies all day.”

Carlos stuck his tongue out at James. “Don’t be a jerk.”

James laughed and headed for the water.

Kendall did try surfing. James tried harder to teach him. Kendall had been under the assumption that a little grace and balance was all he needed. Wrong.

Very very wrong.

Kendall yelped before going under water, feeling like the surfboard was fucking attacking him. Then his throat and lungs filled with saltwater and he sputtered and choked, flailing his arms above the surface. James grabbed him by the hand and pulled him up.

Kendall hung over James’ surfboard, the sun beaming down on his back as he coughed water out of his lungs.

“This is hard.”

James patted Kendall’s back. “You’ll get it.”

“I’ll be a giant bruise before I get this.”

“I have to say that it’s nice to know you’re not completely perfect at everything.”

“I’m not completely perfect at anything.”

“You could fool colleges at auditions.”

Kendall groaned, suddenly annoyed. “Help me back to shore.”

James frowned, squinting at Kendall through a ray of sunshine. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. Dear God. I’m exhausted and hungry.”

“Okay, okay. Grab your board. We’ll paddle back to shore.” James huffed, looking irritated.

“Hey, where’d everybody go?” Kendall asked absently, rubbing at his aching shoulder, walking along the sand.

“Hmm… I don’t know. I saw Camille and Logan run off a while ago. I think Carlos headed off toward the pier to take pictures. He was eyeballing this cute guy that walked that way earlier. I think his name was Zack or Dak or something.”

“Yeah, well, they left all our stuff.” Kendall went digging in the cooler for a snack. “I guess they won’t be gone too long. Soda?”

“Sure.”

Kendall tossed James a can and they settled on the blanket, just listening to the seagulls and the waves crashing against the beach.

“It sure is beautiful.”

“Yeah.”

After a long pause, James sighed. “Kendall, why don’t you want to audition for Julliard?”

Kendall’s fingers indented the can of soda in his hand, then he slurped on it to hide the tension in his mouth. James probably noticed his shoulders tighten though.

“I don’t know.”

“Kendall—“

“I don’t _know_ okay? This is all happening so fast.” Kendall sighed. He looked out at the ocean and wondered what his dad would have thought of Malibu, of the new friends he made. Of James.

He looked over at James: the concerned, puzzled expression playing on his features; the bright green-gold of his hazel eyes; the small strands of hair sliding down over his forehead, still dripping wet from the tides. James was everything Kendall expected to be when he was a kid. He was the dance with passion, ambition, and talent to boot. He was strong minded and goal oriented and… yeah. Everything Kendall had striven to be when he was just a tiny kid.

But Kendall wasn’t that. He didn’t grow up to be James. He grew up to know James, to care about James, to admire James. But he wasn’t James. He didn’t feel like James did. He knew he didn’t. Because when he looked at James, there was something so powerful and moving in his eyes. When James moved, every step had purpose, every move was filled with his heart and soul. Kendall enjoyed dancing, yes. But when it came to loving it like James did – it was an insult to think he was even close.

“I don’t… I don’t know what I want to do with my life, James.” Saying it was easier than he expected. And when he did, the rest came gushing out. He set his soda down by his ankles. “I mean. Things have changed so much. I’m in a totally new place at this crazy school, and people keep telling me what I should do, that I should be _planning_ for my future. Go to _this_ college. You should do _this._ You’re so talented at _that._ I don’t… I like dancing, okay? I really do. But when I see you do it? When you’re moving on that floor? It’s different. It’s completely different. I feel every movement, and you fucking still the earth on its axis. And the thing that sets you apart from me is that you’re good, and you _want_ it. I just lucked out with a little talent. There are lots of things I like to do, but there’s nothing that I feel about as intensely as I do about you.”

Kendall froze, then faltered, trying to correct himself. “As I do… er… like you _do_ I mean.” His cheeks flushed red and he buried his face in his hands. “Fucking a.”

“Kendall…” James’ voice went soft, and it was almost like the ocean died with him, the world going quiet. “Kendall, that’s okay.”

“What?” Kendall peeked out from behind his hands, still embarrassed.

“Kendall, you don’t have to know what you want to do right now. I’m sorry if it sounded like I was pushing you.” James looked out at the water. “I guess I get caught up in my own dreams sometimes. I don’t always realize that people aren’t fighting as hard as I am. You know, people think I’m crazier than you. People are afraid nowadays to chase after what they want. And why shouldn’t they be? When it’s just no after no after no after no, and having doors shut in your face, and wondering if you’ll ever be enough for anyone – it’s easy to give up. But this is all I have. This is my one chance to do something with myself. I’m not trained to do anything else and I don’t want to do anything else.”

“I wish I knew what I wanted. It’s not like I don’t want to plan and be ready and all that, but I don’t know. I like playing guitar. Maybe I want to do that instead. I don’t know though. I don’t know at all.”

“You haven’t had the opportunity to express yourself like I have. You’ve only been at this school for a couple of months. Hell, you may not do anything artistic. Things like this take time to nurture. If you’re a little behind the curve, don’t be surprised. People going to school with us have been doing these things their whole lives. Some of them because they want to. Others because they have the money and it looks good. It’s an easy decision for them. You… you never even knew you had the decision to make.”

Kendall felt a sudden hurt welling up inside him, a lump trying to form in his throat. He quickly swallowed it. “I didn’t want to be a dancer for a long time. My dad… he was in a car accident. He was on the way to my dance recital. I threw my dance shoes out the window. My mom found them hanging from a tree. Every time I went in the room, all I could think about was him telling me that _nothing_ would keep him from my recital. I knew that he’d never make it to another one. I just couldn’t do it anymore.” His throat felt raw. He swallowed again. “I don’t want to let him down. I know he wouldn’t have wanted me to stop.”

“Kendall, your dad sounds like he was a really good guy.”

“He was.”

“Then you should know that he’d want you to be happy, regardless of what you were doing. He’d want you to do what you want.”

Kendall frowned. James sighed.

“Look, we’ll take it slow, okay? What do you want to do _right now_?”

Kendall looked over at James with wide eyes. “R-right now?”

“Yeah. Anything. Name it. We’ll do it.” James smiled again, and there was that confidence and sure-headedness that Kendall craved. He meant what he said. Everything about him was what Kendall wanted.

So it was pretty easy to come up with a response.

“I… I want to kiss you.”

James blinked slowly, surprise settling over his features. “Oh… o…kay.”

Kendall reached out slowly, his shoulder protesting slightly and his fingers trembling, landing on James’ warm, ocean-damp arm. He moved closer, the sand scraping against his knees, and suddenly he was breathing James’ air. His heart raced in his chest, making his fingers jump, but he didn’t pull away. He just closed his eyes and pressed his lips against James’.

It was weird. He’d done a lot with people. Girls, guys. Whatever. But there was something different and scarily intimate about a simple kiss. For a second, he thought James might pull away, but then his hands were on each side of Kendall’s face, pulling him closer. He wanted to taste every inch of James, because it was almost like the fairy dust would wear off on him, like he could acquire some of James, some of the things that made him great. When he finally pulled away, he’d managed to crawl completely into James’ lap, and James’ soda was gushing out of the can onto the sand. His lungs felt hollow, and yet at the same time he felt like his chest was going to explode. His heartbeat rung in his ears so loud that the ocean was a muffled memory, resonating in his head. He looked at James like maybe he’d dreamt the whole thing, and James was wearing an expression Kendall could only imagine reflected his own.

“…What now?...” James breathed.

Kendall felt a helpless laugh leak from him lips. “I have no idea.”

…

“Fish fry! Fish fry! Fish fry!” Carlos was chanting in a singsong voice, dancing around the beach house like he was some sort of Disney princess.

Kendall and James were watching from the couch. With about four feet of empty sofa between them.

“So Carlos,” Camille said from Logan’s lap, curled up in an armchair. “What’s the occasion of your infamous fish?”

Carlos beamed at her. “Well, I’ve got great friends here with me.”

“And?” Logan prompted.

He grinned ear to ear. “I made friends with this guy today. His name’s Dak. He’s 22 and he’s bringing us beer.”

“Yes!” Kendall punched the air. “That’s the kind of fun I can get behind.”

“Yup!” Carlos threw a high five in Kendall’s direction with a twirl of his frilly apron.

“What’d you have to do to get him to buy us beer?” James asked.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Well, I might have batted my eyelashes a little bit. Or showed him some of my best dance moves.”

“See, _that_ sounds more like you.”

Carlos laughed. “It does.” He headed back for the kitchen. “So how’d surf lessons go, Kendall?”

“Fine.” Kendall knew he answered a bit too quickly.

“Fine?” Camille raised an eyebrow. “The last I saw you, you were eating it bad.”

“Okay, so maybe I’m not a good surfer. That doesn’t mean James didn’t try to teach me.”

“He can’t be taught,” James said languidly, amusement twinkling in his eyes. “Sorry, dude.”

Kendall playfully punched at James, realizing that they were close again. James realized it too and backed off about as easily as he could. Logan’s eyebrow quirked, but he said nothing, which Kendall was thankful for.

“So how good is your fish, Carlos?”

“Epic,” James replied quickly. “His dad made it one night last summer and I ate so much I puked.”

“Let’s hope there will be no puking here tonight.”

“We’ll see how much beer Carlos’ boyfriend brings us,” Kendall laughed.

“He’s not my boyfriend!” Carlos laughed. “I don’t even know if he’s into guys.”

“That’s what the beer is for. Confirmation!” Camille crawled off of Logan and walked into the kitchen. “Get him drunk enough, and I’ll bet he’ll make out with you. Hell, he’d probably make out with you anyway.”

Carlos flushed. “You think?”

“Go get ‘em, babe.” Camille kissed Carlos on the cheek and headed out the back door. “I’ll set up the fire pit. We can make smores. Maybe take a dip in the Jacuzzi.”

“Jacuzzi? There’s a Jacuzzi here?” Kendall perked up.

“You didn’t notice?”

“Carlos, we’ve literally been at the beach since the moment we got here. We didn’t even bring our stuff in until we came home for the fish fry.”

Carlos laughed, a little embarrassed. “Oh, right. Yeah, there’s a Jacuzzi.”

“Sweet.”

Logan cracked open a book and buried himself in it. Kendall thought it might have been about Venus or something.

“You gonna hop in, Kendall?” Camille asked, pulling her t-shirt over her head and standing in the kitchen in her bikini top and shorts.

Kendall eyed James for a moment. “Sure. You want to come, James?”

“Nah. I’m going to practice a little bit. Our project has solo parts in it you know.”

Kendall’s sore muscles much preferred the idea of a hot tub. And his brain, for the moment, preferred a little time away from James to think.

Too bad Camille wasn’t good at letting him do so.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m… alive after surfing. That’s an impressive feat.” Kendall sunk down into the bubbly, hot water until it was boiling just under his chin. Camille, meanwhile, had stretched her pale legs out, her arms hanging over the sides of the tub. Her hair was a mass of curls pulled up on top of her head. She looked ridiculously cute. And suspicious. That too.

“I didn’t mean like that. You’ve been acting weird all night.”

“Weird?” Kendall considered diving under the water until his brain melted out of his ears. “How so?”

“Well, the Great Wall of China between you and James is a start.” Camille’s brows furrowed worriedly. “Are you guys still fighting about that Julliard thing?”

Kendall felt the tension in his shoulders relax, just a little.

“Kendall, James puts dance above _everything_. You’re not gonna win that fight.”

Kendall eyed Camille through the wobbly reflection of her in the water. “I’m not trying to win any fight with him. I just don’t know if I’m… ready for an audition like that. He is.”

“It’s not the easiest audition in the world, that’s for sure. It’s terrifying. But it’s important to do it. College is kind of a big deal, Kendall.”

Kendall sank a little lower in the water, breathing in air through his nose.  Camille didn’t get it. Camille had that strong passion in her gut too. She ate, slept, and breathed acting, just like Carlos did. James did the same with dance. Meanwhile, Kendall was just moving along, enjoying himself, but still so completely unsure.

He didn’t know.

He did know that he really didn’t want to talk about it.

He turned his head so he could see through one of the huge picture windows, into the dining room, where James had pushed the table back against the wall and was elegantly sweeping across the floor, in out of frame, like a magic, moving painting. He wondered why he had decided to kiss James. He hadn’t thought it through very much. It had just been something he wanted to do. He didn’t know why. Maybe it was because he and James had been attached at the hip for the past month or two. Maybe it was just the beautiful surroundings going to his head. Maybe he was touched by James’ words, or the fact that James completely _got_ him on some level that everyone else seemed to skim right over; or hell, maybe he just thought James looked good with a beach tan and salt water in his hair.

“You’re going to drown if you get any closer to the water.”

Kendall sucked in a breath, and a mouthful of hot water with it, and ended up sputtering and coughing over the side of the tub, James still dancing just beyond his blurred vision, completely unaware. Camille giggled behind him, wading across to pat Kendall on the back, like maybe she could shake a little chlorine from his body.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.”

“Don’t beat yourself up too much. James is all dance all the time. He probably just expected you’d want to audition as badly as he did. We artists do tend to make that assumption.”

“Hey guys,” Carlos said, popping his head out the door. “Dak just called. He’s gonna be here soon. You mind setting up the fire pit?”

“Sure, no problem. I make great smores.” Camille hopped out of the tub in a splash and wrapped up in  a towel that Carlos tossed her. “I don’t know how you guys ever leave this place. It’s so peaceful.”

Kendall bit back a laugh. Because in his head, things were very far from calm.

 


	13.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 13/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Thirteen

Dak was kind of awesome. He brought lots of beer and had plenty of stories to tell. Kendall, unfortunately, wasn’t very able to pay attention to the charmer, even with Carlos basically melting at his feet. He was too lost in his own thoughts. He even charred his marshmallow a bit more than he wanted. He wanted to be drunk or high or some combination of the two so he wouldn’t have to think much about it, just for a little bit. He wasn’t even that horrified over James as much as he was confused. But the whole deciding-the-future thing? Yeah, his nerves weren’t quite soothed after all.

He wondered if making out with James again would be a good idea. That was a healthy distraction, right?

No, probably not.

He made eyes at James over his fourth can of beer and wondered if he could find anything harder in the house. Because Camille was cuddled up with Logan in slurred, sappy conversation, and Carlos was trading goo-eyes with Dak and Kendall and James?

They were basically staring at each other trying to figure out what the hell was happening. And neither of them was anything less than sober.

“I’ll be right back,” Kendall said, excusing himself from the love fest, feeling prickly and uncomfortable, and really wanting to smoke. “Gotta take a leak.”

He padded through the house, the air conditioning raising the hair on his bare arms and chest. His jeans were still damp from sliding them over his swimsuit too. He rubbed at his sunburned arms, scanning the house for a bathroom.

“Kendall.”

Kendall had just found the right door, set far back in the hall on the left side when James had caught up.

“Yeah? Hey.”

James chewed his lip. “You okay?”

“I’m not an easy drunk, if that’s what you mean. Around all these lightweights, I’m a bit of a buzzkill, no?”

“I wouldn’t say watching Camille and Logan suck face and Carlos fantasizing about sucking face is all that entertaining actually.”

“Oh.” Kendall leaned against the door, feeling a weird, tight, twisty feeling in his stomach. “Er… how was practice?”

James didn’t answer. He pushed Kendall against the door and kissed him breathless. Kendall let out a slight noise of surprise before tangling his arms around James’ neck and pulling him as close as he could. The tightness in his stomach burst and everything was sparkling, playing before his eyes in flecks of gold and amber, mixing with swirling colors and hues. The perfect high. Never achieved by a plant or a pill or a drink. Just a taste. Just a _taste_ , and he was in a whirl of awe and amazement. When he broke away, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from James’ face.

“W-what was that for?”

James let out a slow breath that tingled on Kendall’s lips. “I’ve… been thinking about it since this afternoon.”

“Oh yeah?” Kendall felt the muscles in his face stretch into a Cheshire grin. He couldn’t help but feel oddly flattered.

“Is this stupid?” James asked, leaning in closer, pressing his forehead to Kendall’s, so they were definitely sharing the same oxygen. “Are we out of our minds?”

“I don’t know. Want to play it by ear?”

James looked scared. It flashed in his eyes, white hot and piercing, like maybe he wasn’t enviably _certain_ of everything.

“I know what you want to do with your life, James. I don’t need any commitments. A little fun couldn’t hurt though, right?” The words tasted a little funny in Kendall’s mouth, but in the moment, he really didn’t care.

He just really wanted to kiss James again.

James kissed Kendall’s ear, whispering words drenched in hurt. “Please don’t tell anyone.”  
  
[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)

And then he pressed his mouth back to Kendall’s. Kendall turned the knob on the door and they went toppling into the bathroom and knocking against the counter. One more bruise among the many on Kendall’s purpling skin wouldn’t hurt any more than the rest of them.

…

Kendall and James didn’t spend all evening with their new little affair, much like a couple of their comrades did. Kendall did manage to find the tequila though, and the rest of the night was a blur. He briefly remembered James carrying him and flopping him down on a bed. He remembered kissing him sloppily again, and then sleep engulfed him with the warm arms of the mattress and he was gone.

He woke up with his face pressed hard into his pillow and a nice crust of dried drool on his cheek. His body hurt even more than it did the day before and his head throbbed with the beginnings of a hangover. He didn’t want to move. He closed his eyes and tried to gather energy in his limbs.

Nothing. Nothing but a half-hearted groan, muffled by his pillow, and the dire need to suffocate himself.

“Kendall? You up?” His door cracked open, and he heard Carlos’ voice – soft and kind and a little pained too.

“I’m more hungover than you.”

“So that’s a no then?”

Kendall responded with some garbled nonsense that he didn’t quite understand either. The bed dropped down under Carlos’ weight as he flopped down next to him.

“It was so fun though.”

Kendall rolled onto his back, wincing at the slivers of light leaking through the curtains. Carlos reached over and grabbed Kendall’s hand, smiling. It felt good.

“I really like Dak.”

Kendall chuckled. “Oh really? I couldn’t tell with the way you were staring at him all night long.”

“Shut up.” Carlos was all smiles. “My head hurts. Don’t make fun of me.”

Kendall nudged Carlos with his elbow. “My head hurts too. So I can make fun of you all I want.”

They laid there in mutual silence, staring at the ceiling with hazy, pained vision.

“I hate that we have to leave tomorrow,” Carlos said. “Three days isn’t really long enough for a beach fling. Especially when I haven’t even kissed the guy yet.”

Kendall swallowed, his mind dragging him back to the long languid kisses he traded with James in the hall. And in the bathroom. And in the bedroom. “Well, what’s the hold up?”

“I don’t know. What if he doesn’t like me?”

“Carlos, everybody likes you.”

Carlos let out a long sigh. “It’s the thing about actors, man. We know how to lie. We know how to pretend. And because of that, we think everyone else does too. We never know for sure if someone’s being fake or not. Because it’s all part of the show.” He squeezed Kendall’s hand, like he was looking for security in the touch. “He might not like me at all. He might just be too nice to say so.”

“That’s ridiculous. You’re too likable for your own good.”

“So are you, you know.”

Kendall turned his head to look at Carlos. “What? Yeah right.”

“Everyone likes you. I like you, Logan likes you, James _really_ likes you….”

“James and I get along because we like the same things.”

“Kendall, you know what James does when you’re not around?”

“What?”

“He talks about you. About how talented you are. About the project he’s doing with you. About why he picked you. About everything. He never shuts up about you.” Carlos laughed a little. “James doesn’t talk about anyone but himself most of the time. The fact that you not only popped into conversation but exploded into it says something. He likes you.”

Kendall’s lips tingled at the memory of James kissing him. Yeah, James liked him a lot. Kendall knew that.

At least he was sure of something.

…

Kendall spent the next two days drenched in sunshine and the flash of Carlos’ camera, freckles speckling his shoulders and nose, skin bronzing. He soaked in the warm, salty air, playing volleyball, and treading along the shoreline, and even trying his hand at surfing again (which he still sucked at). It was still easily the most fun he had ever had. The evenings were more private. James would tread into Kendall’s room after everyone went to sleep and they would kiss, lingering fingers too afraid to move to any place intimate. They did their own little dance, though far from graceful, rolling around on Kendall’s mattress and grabbing at each other to keep the other close. It put lightning in Kendall’s veins and made suns burst behind his eyes. James was electrifying; the perfect partner for Kendall’s own little waltz. When they packed their things, Kendall felt the thickness of the silence, wondering if perhaps their fun was over, a simple fling for the weekend.

Kendall didn’t bring it up. James didn’t either.

The car ride back was more entertaining than the car ride there. They sang lame songs and played stupid car games and had a great time. Carlos and Camille also entertained with an entire melody of _Rent_.

“So, when do we get to go back?” James asked when the car finally crossed into Los Angeles.

Carlos let out a dreamy little sigh, his eyes shining. He patted his chest, just over his heart. Kendall could see a phone number scrawled on the brown skin of Carlos’ hand, only slightly concealed by the mass of bracelets and rings. “Soon. Very soon. I hope.”

By the time Kendall stepped out of the vehicle and slung his duffel over his shoulder, he was certain that Malibu had to be a magical place, a wet-hot dream to be scorched on his memory for the rest of all time.

The pangs of regret didn’t seep in until he reached his bedroom.

He wondered if he could have been braver. He wasn’t sure if anything else was going to happen. Because they would be back to school and back to dance and back to being the people they were before.

He practiced to get his mind off of it. But dancing reminded him of James.

It wasn’t like it was a big deal or anything. (Or at least he tried to convince himself of that.) He and James were teenage boys who really didn’t have much else going on in their lives besides dance. They spent hours upon hours pressed up against each other and touching and basically sharing each other’s oxygen. Naturally, with the raging hormones and somewhat lack of communication with the people outside their world – well, that was the only outcome that could’ve happened, right?

Right?

Kendall was quiet over dinner.

“Honey, did you have fun in Malibu?”

The words echoed through Kendall’s brain, but he didn’t quite catch on that they were being spoken to him. His brain sort of just filtered them out through thoughts of sunny beaches and a bright white smile to match.

“Kendall?”

Kendall blinked, coming back to reality, the world seeming just a little less colorful than the magic place he was at.

“Sorry, what?”

Kendall’s mother’s forehead wrinkled a little in worry. “Are you alright, honey? You’re a million miles away.”

“Malibu will do that to you,” Camille said, smirking over a glass of water. “His brain probably got sunburned.”

Kendall sneered at her. Camille made a face back.

“Please don’t do that at the table,” Camille’s dad popped in over his meal. “Anyway. The trip?”

“It was… good.” Kendall faltered. Camille’s eyebrow quirked.

“Good? It was awesome,” Camille said. “I can’t wait to go back.”

Kendall smiled. “Yeah, it was pretty awesome.” He curled and uncurled his toes in his shoes, pushing his food around on his plate. “It was really great.”

“Well, what did you do?” Katie prodded.

“James tried to teach Kendall how to surf. It didn’t work out too well,” Camille said.

“James sure teaches you a lot of stuff.” Katie was staring hard at Kendall’s profile. He refused to look, even when he felt a blush creeping up the back of his neck. “What can’t the guy do?”

“Good question. I’ll ask him next time I see him.” Kendall tried to laugh, but it felt bitter in his throat.

He knew the answer.

James Diamond could not, and _would not_ fail.

Failure would destroy him.

….

School felt weird. James was acting just like he did before, and Kendall couldn’t quite understand it. He felt like he was the only person that thought there was anything _wrong_ with it. It wasn’t like he was looking for any commitments or anything – but people didn’t just make out with each other and then pretend it didn’t happen. That wasn’t how things worked.

“Hey, James, will you help me stretch?”

It was a test. They were alone in the dance studio before class started. James stood still for a moment, looking more like he wanted to turn and run than do anything else. But after a second, he walked over with a faux-nonchalant _sure, no problem._

The touch of James’ hand made the hairs on Kendall’s arm stand up, electrically charged and turning his skin to gooseflesh. But he held his composure as James pushed his leg gently toward his chest. James’ face hovered in front of Kendall’s for a brief, horrifyingly exciting moment, his eyes flashing bright green, even in shadow. Kendall took a withered breath, trying to see into James’ mind, grasp what thoughts could possibly be going through his head. But the boy was a statue, completely unreadable.

“Good?”

Kendall blinked, remembering where they were as the door clicked open and students began filing into the room.

“Yeah,” Kendall breathed, staring him down, daring James to say something, anything.

He didn’t, but Kendall saw James’ Adam’s apple bob in his throat as he returned to his feet and offered Kendall a hand up. Kendall took it, but he knew he wasn’t about to let James start ignoring him.

He thought about talking to Joseph about it, holed up in his room, tossing his phone from hand to hand. But he already knew that Joe was insecure with the idea of Kendall even making friends. Kendall didn’t think his friend would react well to the idea that he’d been trading spit with some guy he’d barely mentioned in conversation. Sparing everyone’s feelings was getting hard.

_“Please don’t tell anyone.”_

James had whispered that when the entire thing began. Considering their school was full of artists of all kinds, and littered with all kinds of supportive messages, Kendall didn’t get why James didn’t want anyone to know.

And as he watched James dance, he saw him differently for the first time. The look in his eyes wasn’t just determined. There was something else there, a white-hot fear mixed with an incredible frustration that tightened his jaw and his shoulders. Kendall remembered the words scrawled all over the mirrors the day James had been dehydrated, the angry, horrible words that surrounded him, haunted him, poured over him as he kept trying and trying and _trying._

Kendall had never felt that strongly about anything. He was a little scared to.

“Knight!” Mr. X stomped his foot. “Pay attention before I _ex_ terminate you.”

Kendall flushed. “Oh. Yes sir.”

He still kept a trained eye on James throughout class. But he wasn’t sure if it was because of his recent situation or if he’d just been doing it the whole time and only just realized it.

He was leaning toward the latter.


	14.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 14/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

  


Chapter Fourteen

_“Please don’t tell anyone.”_

Kendall tossed a ball in the air and caught it.

He envisioned James’ lips crashing against his own, so desperate and wanting and powerful.

He tossed it again and caught it.

He thought of his dad.

Toss and catch.

He frowned.

“Bro, if you throw that ball one more time, I’m going to take it and throw it at your face.” Katie peered over her book – some weird murder mystery with a lot of gore – and quirked an eyebrow.

Kendall put the ball down. Her threats were valid. Or at least he never questioned them. Mainly because of her book choices.

“Sorry.”

She sighed after a moment. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Bro, don’t act like I don’t know you and when something’s bothering you. What’s up?”

Kendall rolled the ball in his hand, taking in a long breath. “I… er… I kissed someone.”

Katie closed her book with an audible _thunk._ “Dude, seriously?”

Kendall felt a blush creeping up the back of his neck and he forced it down. “It’s no big deal.”

“Uhhh, yeah it is.”

“No it’s not.”

“Yeah it is. You’ve been like. As sexual as a plant. Forever. I’ve never seen you with girls or anything.”

“I’ve been with girls,” Kendall huffed.

“Yeah, okay, maybe you have. But you never did anything without that guitar dude.” Katie smirked at Kendall’s grimace. “But hey, you’re doing something on your own. Good for you.”

Kendall pouted. “I do plenty of things on my own.”

“Name one thing you do on your own.”

“….shut up.”

Katie opened her book again. “So why are you so pouty anyway? Kissing is awesome.”

Kendall craned his head to give her a look.

“Or… so I hear,” she added, grinning on the afterthought.

Kendall let out a long, heavy sigh. “I… think I might have made a mistake.”

“Why?”

“Because… the person I kissed… won’t really… we haven’t… really talked about it. I don’t know. Like… maybe I did something stupid?”

“Bro, everything you do is stupid. It’s kind of par for the course.”

“You’re not helping.”

Katie closed her book again and put it aside.  “Look. If someone is taking advantage of your love and affection, you need to call them on it.”

“That’s… not… exactly--- I mean, we didn’t agree on anything serious or anything. It’s… complicated.”

“Well…” Katie crossed her legs, tapping her fingers on the arm of the couch. “Do you like this person?”

“Yeah.”

“Does this person like you back?”

“Uh…  yeah? I guess so? I don’t know.”

“Well, I’d say that’s the first thing you need to find out, right?”

Kendall frowned. “It’s really not that simple.”

“Are you _sure_?” Katie gave him a dubious look. “It could possibly be that you’d rather overcomplicate things instead of facing them?”

Kendall stared.

“You do it all the time.”

“I do not.”

“Okay, whatever.” Katie went back to her book. “I’m just saying that you shouldn’t let something stop you just because you’re scared.”

Kendall leaned back against the sofa cushions, staring up at the ceiling. Katie was right. He was scared of lots of things. He didn’t like being uncertain of anything, and it seemed that as of late he was uncertain of everything. It made him feel helpless and pathetic and a million other things. He just knew he had to do something. Decisions had to be made on a lot of things.

But he was scared. He didn’t want to make the wrong choice. The wrong choice could mean a million more wrong choices. He wasn’t sure he was ready for the repercussions.

…

“Damn it!” Kendall gritted his teeth.

James seemed to share his thoughts, his jaw tightening as he lowered Kendall to the ground.

“What’s wrong with you? You’re stiff as a board.”

Kendall glared at James. “Yeah, well maybe I was avoiding your sloppy footfalls.”

James’ eyes narrowed. “Excuse me?”

“You’ve been missing moves all morning. Don’t act like I’m the only problem here.”

Things had been tense between them for days. Kendall had been expecting things to come to a head at some point, but it didn’t stop the blood from boiling in his veins. James had been blaming him for every single misstep, every rhythm error, every mistake. He was sick of it. James was an amazing dancer, but Kendall would be damned if James was anywhere near perfect. He was human just like the rest of them and needed to climb off his high horse pronto.

“I created this dance. I didn’t miss anything.”

“Oh, so you just _created_ this move?” Kendall stomped on James’ foot. James made a bit of a dramatic show of it, yelping and stumbling backwards, his face going red with rage. “Oh, stop being a baby.” Kendall crossed his arms. “I’m wearing fucking ballet slippers. It didn’t hurt that bad.”

“It _did_ hurt, you asshole.”

“Yeah, and it hurt when you did it to me and I didn’t bitch.”

“You’re bitching right now!”

“I’m _bitching_ over you acting like you can’t make mistakes. Because trust me, you make plenty.”

James launched himself at Kendall with a yell, and he went careening into the floor, dodging the taller boy’s fists with wide eyes. James’ fist finally connected with Kendall’s face, and he saw red. He flipped them over and pummeled James, his experience on the streets of NYC winning out over James’ raw anger.

“I didn’t mess up! I didn’t!” James kept yelling, shielding himself from Kendall. “I can’t---“

Kendall paused, looking down at James, a sudden pang in his heart shaking through him.

“I can’t make a mistake,” James breathed, and his voice unsettled and visceral. His eyes started to well with tears and he shook his head. “I can’t, Kendall, I can’t.”

Kendall felt like there was more to James’ statement than their little argument. He reached out to James’ face, hand open, stroking away the small lines of tears running into his hair. He cupped James’ face in his hands and bowed over him, pressing their foreheads together.

“I’m sorry, James. I’m so sorry.”

He was. He was sorry for hitting him. He was sorry for accusing him. He was sorry for kissing him. Because obviously it was ruining everything. He didn’t want to lose James. He didn’t want to fight James. But he wanted to kiss him, and he hated that. He hated that it was causing so many problems.

James sniffed, pushing Kendall upwards so they were sitting. Kendall was still pretty much in his lap. “It’s not just you, okay? I’m sorry too.” He placed a quaking hand on top of Kendall’s. Then, he finally came clean. “My dad’s coming to see me.” He looked completely devastated.

“…Is that… bad?” Kendall was afraid to ask.

He frowned, leaning into Kendall’s palm. “It’s kind of why I’ve been avoiding you. So you should probably take that as a yes.”

“James—“

“I have a chance…” James said softly. “I have a chance to make things right. If he comes here and sees me… like this… with you…”

Kendall felt a mixture of relief and panic that made his head swim and his stomach tie into knots. He was glad that James didn’t hate him for kissing him. But he was still suggesting that he could never do it again - not with Kendall; not with any boy. Kendall sighed. He didn’t like it.

“You can’t just stop being who you are…”

“I have to, Kendall…. I have to.”

Kendall wanted to be angry. He wanted to scream and hit James and tell him he was wrong. James was perfect just the way he was and if his dad didn’t see that then fuck him.

But Kendall longed for his own father’s love and affection. He knew that if he was ever given the chance to have that back, he’d do anything.

“..When does he get here?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Then we better make this brief.” Kendall leaned in and kissed James again.

James let out a desperate little whimper, pulling Kendall closer like he would dissolve into his skin and remain there, simmering forever. All his anger and sadness and passion spilled forth, and James was clutching to him, leaving little red indentions in Kendall’s flesh. It was a mixture of sweat and bruises and blood, and it was all Kendall could do to keep up. James clawed at him like he would never let go. Kendall was certain his lips would turn blue before James pulled away. He was overwhelmed.

He also knew that he’d made another mistake. Because there was no way he could walk away from it. It was like he’d jumped into the deep end. He kept swimming and swimming, but never broke the surface. It was physically and emotionally suffocating and he didn’t give a fuck.

When they finally pulled away, James broke down, burying himself in Kendall’s shoulders. Kendall encircled him, stroking his hair.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” James whimpered.

Kendall just shushed him and held him and wished he knew what to do. When James pushed away from him and rushed out of the studio, he felt worse.

…

_There’s a somebody I’m longing to see,_

_I hope that he turns out to be_

_Someone to watch over me_

Carlos had a great singing voice, warm and sweet and pretty. He was practicing for an upcoming musical theatre showcase, and he sang with a twinkle in his eyes, love pouring from him and over Kendall, sending chills up his arms. Kendall thought about Dak and wondered if he’d put that spark in Carlos’ eye. Carlos didn’t talk about him very much, but he was constantly on his phone, sending texts that put the biggest smile on his face that Kendall had ever seen.

He folded his legs underneath him and swallowed, trying not to think of James. The song was beautiful and romantic, but it made Kendall feel lonely and upset. He didn’t like the idea of James denying himself.

He liked it even less that James would be denying _him._

That was awfully selfish though.

“That was beautiful!” Kendall looked down the row of chairs to see a young lady dressed to the hilt, smiling. He recognized her after a minute as the assistant choir director, Kelly.

The director, however, didn’t seem to share her view.

“Beautiful? Please. That was crap!”

Carlos grimaced, but he didn’t really look all that bothered by the infamous Gustavo Rocque.

“What do I need to do to fix it?”

“Be a better singer.”

Kelly glared at Gustavo. “Don’t.”

“Fine. It was… okay, I guess. The gaudy bowtie can take a hike though.”

“But it matches my sequin red vest!”

“I think you look cute,” Kelly said, adjusting the tie like she was his mother. “Don’t listen to him. He just needs anger management.”

Kendall tried to smile, but his mind was a jumbled mess. He tried very hard to hide his disappointment over the entire ordeal, but it lingered on him like a heavy raincloud. He just couldn’t shake the wrongness of the whole situation.

“Hey. You okay?” Carlos put a hand on Kendall’s shoulder and peered into his face. “You look so sad.”

“Oh, uh. Yeah. I’m fine. Your song was just really good. That’s all.”

“You sure?”

Kendall didn’t want to lie to Carlos, but he knew if he mentioned what was going on, it wouldn’t take long for Carlos to figure out who Kendall was making out with behind closed doors. It wasn’t like it mattered anyway. It wasn’t supposed to happen. It wasn’t going to happen anymore, according to James.

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Well, let’s go get smoothies.”

“Okay… I guess I could go for a smoothie. And a sandwich.”

But when Kendall and Carlos made their way out of the front of the school, Kendall caught sight of James introducing Mercedes to who he assumed was his father.

“This is Mercedes. My girlfriend.”

Kendall lost his appetite.

 


	15.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 15/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Fifteen

“So very nice to meet you Mr. Diamond.” Mercedes was all snob, reaching out and languidly shaking the man’s hand. “James has told me all about you.”

“Oh has he?” The man looked overjoyed, but not to see his son. To see his son’s _girlfriend._

Kendall wavered a little on his spot.

“Kendall?” Carlos whipped his head to look at him. “Kendall? You okay? You look like you’re going to be sick.”

James kept his head down. To most eyes, he would have appeared humble. To Kendall, all he could see was shame.

“So how did you two get together?”

“We’re dance partners.”

“Ah, yes. Well, James, you’ve got the perfect woman. Strong, powerful, smart, beautiful.” Kendall kept expecting the man to turn into some foul beast and eat her. He wasn’t sure whether or not he was okay with that. “I’m glad you finally came around, son.”

“Yeah, heh. Me too.”

Kendall felt dizzy. He turned away, unable to look, stumbling into the door.

It wasn’t anything serious, he kept reminding himself. They only made out for a few days. That was all it was. That was all it was.

It didn’t help.

“Kendall, woah, hey. You don’t look good. Should we go to the nurse?”

Kendall’s eyes felt like they were being pushed out of his skull. He fought back the tears with all his might. But fucking… _Mercedes?_ Of all people James could have chosen, he picked Mercedes. It felt like a personal blow.

“When did James start dating Mercedes?” Kendall asked softly, not looking up from his trembling hands.

Carlos blinked. “James is bi?” He looked out at the scene that had been playing before Kendall’s eyes. “Woah. When _did_ that happen? I didn’t think he even liked her very much. She’s been trying to get in his pants for years.”

“Why?”

“Because his parents are rich. His mother owns one of the biggest cosmetics franchises in the country. If they got together, the business merger would bring Griffin tons of cash.”

Kendall wanted to rip the door off its hinges and throw it at the three people at the bottom of the steps. But he wasn’t The Hulk and it wasn’t going to help anything.

“I gotta go.” Kendall pushed through the door and took off down the hall, away from Carlos.

He pulled out his cell phone and dialed Joseph.

“Bro, what’s up?”

Kendall felt the tears coming. “Hey...”

“Woah, you okay?”

“I miss New York. I miss you. I miss things not being fucking complicated. I miss my fuckups not actually being that bad…”

“Kendall?”

“I’m sorry. I can’t talk… I’m sorry.” Kendall hung up.

He wanted to throw his phone across the room and cut off all contact to the outside world. Let it fucking explode while he toiled away in his solitude. Didn’t seem like a bad idea.

He supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised. He got attached to things easily. After losing his dad, his mom had to work all the time. He was a lonely kid. When Joseph was busy, he’d wander the streets after school, befriending stray dogs and begging his mom to let them keep the poor things. They never got to. They couldn’t afford to feed them. He always felt like he was trying to fill a huge hole in his heart that was always hungry for something that wouldn’t satiate it. He tried to fill it with different hobbies and different people, but nothing ever quite fit the mold. It persisted for years. He fell in and out of beds with girls that Joseph picked from the ripe age of fourteen. He felt like he was part of _The Three Bears._ This bed was too big. This bed was too small. But nothing was just right. Nothing was ever just right. And he knew too much and too little at the same time.

He felt stupid. Plain and simple.

What he didn’t get was that he’d been the one to say that things were casual. And God – they’d only been at it for a week at most.

Maybe it was just the fact that’d he’d found such a kindred spirit in James. James was so much like him and so much like the man he wanted to be, and yet everything Kendall was afraid of becoming too. He was this massive windstorm of confusion and emotion that brought Kendall to his knees and made him feel like laughing, crying, and screaming all at the same time.

He should have never kissed him. He should have never been so stupid.

…

Kendall was fairly certain he was going to choke to death. And he didn’t give a fuck. Because he was higher than Everest and he felt great. He blasted his music through his headphones, sprawled flat on his bed, smoke swirling over his head. The crinkle of empty chip bags and Little Debbie cake wrappers kept a steady rhythm with the ceiling fan and his steadily beating heart. The world slowed to a halt, and he closed his eyes, feeling like his bed was floating, dipping and bobbing like his own little raft in the middle of the ocean. His own private island in the sea.

He wiggled his toes and took in the sounds of Bob Dylan. He figured he’d dance if he felt like getting up, but, eh, fuck that. He didn’t want to get up. He wanted to lie there forever until he dissolved into the bed. The only thing that sucked was he had definitely smoked up the rest of his stash in one foul swoop.

“Kendall?” Camille knocked at the door for like, the fifteenth fucking time. “Kendall, get out of there. What’s wrong with you?”

Kendall didn’t feel like talking. He rolled his head over to look at the door, knowing she’d finally give up and come in. When he was right, he broke into a fit of chuckles.

Camille closed the door, looking irritated. “You’re high.”

“No, no, no. No. No. No.” Kendall paused. “No.”

“Kendall-“

“No. I’m fucking stoned. I’m so fucking wasted. Oh my God.”

“You ate all the snacks in the house.”

“I—I know. It’s weird, right? I’m not even hungry.” Kendall poured the crumbs of Lays potato chips down his throat. “I’ve got plants growing inside me. They’re hungry.”

“That’s it. I’m telling your mom.”

“No no no no no. No.” Kendall rolled off the bed and onto the floor, crawling over to Camille’s feet. “No don’t tell her.” He coughed. “I smoked cause… cause… I’m sad.” And then Kendall started giggling, which didn’t really help his case. “But I’m not anymore. Fuck everything. Fuck it all. Woo!” He toppled over, lazily looking up at his cousin.

She furrowed her brows. “What on earth happened?”

Kendall felt like dozing off on the floor. “Fuck everything,” he murmured. “Fuck all of them.”

“Kendall, honey…” Camille sat down on the floor and pulled his head into her lap. “What’s gotten into you? Don’t act like I didn’t see you getting Carlos to cover your bruises with makeup the other day. And now you’re getting ridiculously stoned?”

Kendall snuggled his head against her belly, warm and comfortable. “It’s nothing. It’s nothing.”

“It’s something. You’re usually a pretty chill guy. Something’s gotten way under your skin.”

“Doesn’t matter anymoreeeee.”

Kendall fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was tucked in to bed and his room had been cleaned up. Getting up did _not_ feel like an option. He had never felt more tired in his life. It hurt to open his eyes all the way.

“Kendall? We’ve got class. Get up. Let’s go.” Camille’s voice was irritated.

He lifted his head off the pillow, and it felt like it was filled with concrete.

“Your eyes are freaking blood red. I hope you’re proud of yourself.”

Kendall rubbed the heels of his hands against his eyes. “I smoked all of it. Fuck, I should’ve saved some to get over this part.”

“Yeah, well, you weren’t really thinking very much, were you?”

“Shut up, Camille. It’s not like you’ve never gotten wasted before.”

“Not on that stuff.”

“You should try it some time.” Kendall sat up and considered falling back over into his bed. He felt like his brain was sending signals to his limbs, but they weren’t quite getting them.

“You’re not making it look very glamorous.”

Kendall flipped her off and wriggled into a pair of jeans from the floor. He sniffed his shirt. It smelled like weed. So much so that Kendall fathomed he could smoke the damn fabric and get over his little weed hangover. “Hand me a shirt.”

Camille rolled her eyes and grabbed a shirt from his dresser. “Hurry up. We’re gonna be late.”

Kendall didn’t see any kind of hurrying in his future, but he tried his best. He donned a pair of sunglasses before heading down the stairs, but he did see the bloodshot in his eyes in the reflection of them before he put them on.

They were late. Camille went rushing into the school. Kendall took his time. Five minutes or ten minutes didn’t really matter. He was already late. Mr. X wasn’t all that forgiving for tardiness. He probably wouldn’t make it to class anyway. He didn’t want to see James and Mercedes.

He wandered around campus for a while. No one asked him about class, because the schedules around the place were always all over the place. He waited for Carlos to get out of class and insisted they go get smoothies alone.

“What about James?”

“I don’t want to talk to James right now.”

“Oh… why-“

“I don’t want to talk _about_ him either.”

“Oh… so it’s _that_ kind of fight.”

Kendall glanced at Carlos, too tired to look at him fully as they made their way down the sidewalk. “What?”

“Kendall, first you come to me covered in bruises, and now you’re not talking to James. Are you guys not friends anymore or…”

“It’s… he doesn’t want to see me.”

Carlos blinked. “You did something wrong? I thought he was the one that pissed you off.”

“He did.”

“Then…?”

Kendall huffed. “It’s complicated. I can explain if I can get my brain working again.”

They scooted into their usual booth and Kendall hovered over his smoothie, not really drinking it.

“He’s been acting funny too. I thought it was just because his dad was visiting. He always turns into a total asshole when his dad is around. It’s been awhile.”

“I’m not acting funny.”

Carlos gave Kendall a dubious look. “Why haven’t you taken off your sunglasses?”

Kendall glared through the lenses, sucking his smoothie down until he felt like his head was exploding from brain freeze. That didn’t really help anything at all. He clutched his skull and groaned.

There was something a bit cleansing about a brain freeze though. It shocked his system enough to where he could push some clear thoughts through the haze of disappointment. Yeah, it sucked that James was playing straight and would probably end up cringing his way through sex with Mercedes, but Kendall knew that he wasn’t serious. He had to get over it. He’d smoked up all his dope, so it wasn’t like he could run from it anymore.

But first:

“Carlos, do you really think James is straight?”

Carlos almost choked on his sandwich. “What?”

“Honest opinion.”

Carlos took a long time to chew his food. “Um…” Then, he shrugged.

“Oh, come on. You know. You’ve known James for a long time.”

“I know when I tried to kiss him a few years back that he shoved me away.”

Kendall’s stomach clenched. “Huh?”

Carlos fiddled with his straw. “I have kind of a bad habit for falling for people. James was really nice to me…”

Kendall furrowed his brows. “You fell for James just because he was nice to you?”

Carlos looked down at his food. “Well, uh… you can probably imagine the shit I got dealt growing up. My family’s awesome. Other kids? Not quite so supportive.”

“I’m sorry, Carlos.”

“It’s not your fault.” He looked up at Kendall with a huge smile, and there was a tiny bit of heartbreak in his eyes. “You’re really nice to me too.”

After a few minutes, Carlos started talking about Dak. Conversation worked backed to him quite a bit since Malibu.

Kendall was starting to think Malibu was magical, with its hot white sand and twinkling ocean. He supposed all dreams had to come to an end sometime.

He decided then and there that he wasn’t about to get hung up on James. There was no point. If James was so fucking afraid of being who he was, Kendall wasn’t about to fight that fight. He needed to focus on other things.

James and Mercedes passed by the window, almost as if on cue, Mercedes in her little white mini skirt, and James looking like the most uncomfortable person on the planet. James’ dad trailed along behind them, listening to the supposed tour of the city. Kendall glared at them through his lenses. Fine. He’d be fine.

 


	16.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 16/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Sixteen

Dance was boring.

Okay, it wasn’t completely boring. Kendall always found it stimulating to watch, but ballet was getting old fast. Part of it was the constant criticism for his lack of work on his and James’ project. But hey, it was _James’_ project, and James had been avoiding him like the plague. So whose fault was that? The class filed out, and Kendall could see James making his way for the door. He turned the music back on.

“F.Y.I. I’m not failing because you can’t stand to be around me,” Kendall said. A fast-paced, wordy song started blasting through the speakers, heavy with drum beats.

Kendall started some weird mixture of hip hop and basic ballet moves, warming his muscles and getting his pulse racing. It felt good.

James was watching. That felt even better. It felt like he was reminding him why they spent time together in the first place. James was the best. Kendall was the second best. And he wasn’t about to let James ditch him as a friend and a dance partner. James was the only thing that really made the long hours and painful muscles worthwhile.

He turned on point, slipping and sliding around James, working up a sweat in his hairline as he mouthed along to the words. James’ mouth drew into a hard line, his eyes sparking. By the time Kendall finished, James was as red in the face as he was, except he looked far more upset.

“You know that’s not why-“

“I don’t care, okay? I don’t want to fail. You got me in this class, and you’re not about to screw me out of a good grade. Especially with the devil’s daughter.”

James looked like he wanted to punch Kendall. But Kendall knew he wouldn’t. Because touching Kendall or any person of the same sex seemed to be completely off limits.

“My father’s thinking of moving here.”

“Oh, well, you better brush up on your acting then, huh?”

“Kendall—“

“Introduce me to your dad. I’m not going to shove my tongue down your throat. Quit acting like I don’t exist.”

“I’m not trying to-“

“Yes, you are.” Kendall pulled his hoodie on. “Look. You don’t have to make out with me. You don’t have to do any of that stuff. But you can’t just stop being my friend, okay?” Kendall looked at James in earnest. “This… all of this… is because you made me stand up and do something. Don’t walk away from me now, James. Please.”

James stood still for a moment, looking at anything but Kendall.

“That dance was pretty cool…. Maybe we can work some more modern material into sections.”

Kendall felt the smile bloom across his face. He couldn’t even stop it. It was like he was a kid being presented with candy.

“James, if we work at it, we could have an entire ballet.”

…

“I’m actually top in my class.” Mercedes gave this smug look that Kendall could just not be okay with.

“ _Actually,_ ” he said snidely, swinging into the conversation uninvited, “She’s third.” Upon the glare Mercedes delivered, Kendall gave her an innocent smile. “What? Third is okay though.”

“And who are you?” James’ dad casted a rather disinterested look in Kendall’s direction, putting down his coffee cup and crossing his ankle over his knee.

James went rigid, his eyes flaring gold in a mixture of annoyance and fear. Kendall had kind of promised to be good.

“Kendall Knight.” He extended his hand to James’ father. “I’m actually second in the class, right behind your son.” He turned to Mercedes. “Didn’t want you to get caught _lying_ or anything.”

Mercedes crossed her arms across her chest in a flurry of jingly jewelry.

“You don’t really count, since you came into class late.”

“Only a couple of weeks.” Kendall shrugged. “I mean, if I can outshine you in a couple of weeks, maybe that’s your problem and not mine.”

Okay, so he was being a little sassy. James’ dad brought out a rough side of Kendall. He didn’t like how uncomfortable the man made James, and he really _really_ didn’t like the fact that James’ dad was the reason Mercedes had to hang around all the time.

James’ dad shook Kendall’s hand warily, eying him. “And how do you know my son?”

“We’re friends.” Kendall shrugged. “Rivals, really. We bring out the best in each other.”

“He hasn’t mentioned you.”

Mercedes smirked up at Kendall, “Yeah. I guess you’re not important enough to come up in conversation.”

“That’s not true—“ James started, then clamped his mouth shut. He continued after a beat: “I just… Kendall just prefers to introduce himself.”

“I’d rather let my reputation precede me.” Kendall knew if he’d heard such a pompous phrase from someone else, he wouldn’t have failed to pummel them into the ground. But he supposed if James was going to keep up the act, he might as well make his own.

“I see.” Mr. Diamond was not impressed. Kendall didn’t want him to be.

He wondered what his own father would think of Mr. Diamond. Kendall’s dad had always been so supportive and loving and happy… but Kendall didn’t know if it would have actually persisted. What would his dad have thought if he’d found out that Kendall had kissed James? More than once? And liked it? James seemed more terrified of that outcome than he did with anything about dance.

“I still don’t see why guys like you have to do something so… so--”

Kendall felt his stomach clench.

“—Sissy.”

James looked like he was going to have a panic attack. “B-but Dad—“

“Come on, James. You’ve got a great girl. You’re a strong guy. Why are you doing this sissy dance stuff?”

James’ face went stoic, completely cold. He shut down.

“It’s not sissy,” Kendall said. “It takes a lot more muscle than it would to, I don’t know, play football. And your son has a great chance at a career.”

Mr. Diamond quirked his eyebrows dubiously, going back to his coffee. “I was just saying.”

Mercedes even looked uncomfortable. The tension was palpable and thick. James wouldn’t look at anyone. He stared at the plastic lid on his coffee, looking somewhere between completely furious and on the verge of tears. He was trying so hard, and his dad just kept finding something else wrong.

“Have you ever even watched him?” Kendall piped up.

James’ eyes shot straight to Kendall, begging him to stop.

“He’s the best damn dancer I’ve ever seen, and you can’t start making comments like that until you’ve seen him too. He can move the fucking planets and you’re more worried about how he looks in a pair of tights? Well, newsflash, he looks great. And maybe if you’d been watching, you would’ve noticed too.” He stormed away. He wasn’t about to hear anymore shit from Mr. Diamond.

So. That wasn’t the best first meeting Kendall could have predicted.

“Are you out of your fucking mind? I should choke you. I should fucking choke you.”

Kendall grimaced at the phone. “Sorry?”

“Sorry? _Sorry?_ Kendall, you don’t talk to my dad like that.”

“He insulted me!”

“No, he didn’t.”

“He insulted what we do, James. And he insulted you. That’s not okay.”

“Yeah, well, he’s gone home and now I have a fuck ton of damage control to do.”

“You don’t want him to actually move here, do you?”

James sighed on the other line. “Kendall… he’s my dad.”

“I know, but—“

“He’ll come around. He’ll see that dancing is my dream. I know he will.”

Seemed like a rather hopeless notion to Kendall.

“He said he was coming back next month. Can you please apologize to him and play nice?”

Kendall frowned, leaning against the window, silently holding the phone to his ear and wishing he could promise that to James.

“This is the longest you’ve spoken to me in two weeks.”

“Kendall—“

“Look, I told you. I want to be your friend. Whether or not your dad moves here or not, okay? I’ll… I’ll make the effort.”

“Good. Thank you.” James sounded relieved. “But he’s gone for the month. We can hang out.”

“What about your little girlfriend?”

“Well…”

“I hate her.”

“I know. But it’ll be great practice for when my dad comes back, won’t it?”

Kendall knew he had to make the effort.

…

“Why are we here?” Mercedes asked, her voice aching with a whine. Kendall tried to ignore her.

“It’s the Musical Theatre Showcase. We’re here to support our friends.” James was amazing at being friendly, even with Mercedes’ spiked claw nesting in his back pocket, like a looming threat to anyone who might have been looking at James’ ass.

Not that Kendall was looking or anything. He was way past that. That was history.

Totally.

“Why? Those theatre kids are just a bunch of weirdos.”

Kendall clenched his jaw. He really hated her. A lot. The more time he spent with James and Mercedes, the more he was certain she was a waste of air.

James insisted it was an act, that she was different away from the public eye. But Kendall didn’t know if she was ever actually away from the public eye.

And okay, maybe the fact that she’d basically (and probably literally) sunk her claws into James played into his opinion of her. Just a little bit. But he wasn’t there to entertain Mercedes and James. He was there to support Carlos and Camille. His mom and his sister and his uncle were already squeezed into the front row seats, and Kendall flopped down next to them.

“Mom, you remember James. And this is his girlfriend, Mercedes.”

“Hi,” she greeted, all snob.

“Hi,” Kendall’s mom greeted, completely friendly, like she didn’t notice it at all. Kendall wished he had his mother’s magical powers. Because she had to be a fucking wizard to not scowl at the blonde demon that was currently attached to James.

Not that he’d noticed she was attached to James or anything. Nope.

Again, he was totally over it.

During the show, James would throw a comment or two his way, and Mercedes would practically glow with envy. But Kendall loved talking to James, regardless of whether or not they were trading kisses in private. Or public. Whatever, it wasn’t happening. James was still a great person. Just a great person with some fucked up sense of reputation.

Carlos killed “Someone To Watch Over Me,” his eyes glittering with fascination of a new found love, and his heart on his sleeve. Kendall’s mom cooed and adored over him with ease. Which she would’ve done anyway. But he deserved it.

Camille did a crazy monologue-infused number from _Rent_ , that included a cowbell and slurping and a lot of stuff Kendall didn’t really get. But all the theatre kids hooted and hollered, and frankly, it was very much like her to do it. She was dramatic and funny and fantastic. Kendall didn’t care if he didn’t get it. Logan was a few rows back with what looked like some friends from his school, and he was beat red but very proud. Kendall wished Logan was on the other side of James instead of Mercedes. She hadn’t let go of James’ arm since they’d picked her up.

The car ride before had been grand. It felt almost like Malibu again. James and Kendall discussed their project and certain movements and songs that they could use. And they laughed and joked and told each other stories. Just like before. And James would smile that smile and Kendall would tell himself he wasn’t melting a little bit inside.

The show was great. A little out there, but great. Kendall brought Camille flowers, and Carlos threw his arms around him as soon as he saw him. It felt good. Kendall craved a little affection once in a while.

“Thanks for coming,” Carlos said and it was completely genuine and sweet, like it was the nicest thing Kendall had ever done for him.

“Where’s Dak? Wasn’t he supposed to come out?”

“Oh, he couldn’t make it, but he told me to break a leg.”

“Well, I think your performances deserve some late night chow, don’t you?”

Camille grinned. “You’re buying I hope.”

“Only the best for you guys. Except let’s keep it a little budget friendly.” Kendall laughed.

“Cheapskate,” Camille giggled, hugging Kendall from the side. “No biggie. Spending time with you guys is way better than some snooty restaurant.”

“Hey, James! You coming?” Carlos asked. “Maybe we can hit up like. I don’t know. An iHop or something.”

Mercedes raised an eyebrow. “Kind of low-brow, don’t you think?”

“Uhhh…” James cleared his throat. “You know, I’m actually kind of tired. I think I’d rather just get dropped off at home.”

Kendall felt disappointment well in his throat, but he swallowed it. “Oh, that’s cool. We’ll drop you guys off on the way.”

Camille met up with Logan, encircling her arms around his waist and agreeing to meet Kendall and company at the local international house of pancakes – which Kendall agreed they were severely missing out on if they’d never taken their silver spoons out of their mouths to try a chocolate-chocolate-chip pancake from a chain restaurant. Kendall and Carlos piled into the car to take Mercedes and James home.

Mercedes’ house was the first destination. Kendall didn’t give a fuck if it was a million miles away. She was going to be out of his car before anyone else.

Her house really didn’t even constitute as a house. It was a mansion. No. It was a fucking castle. With an electric fence for a remote.

“My security will pick me up from here, thanks,” Mercedes said, but her voice lacked any kind of gratitude. Kendall responded with a grimace. She made sure to push her mouth to James and kiss him for far too long, never taking her eyes off of Kendall. “Bye, babe.”

“…Bye…?” James looked confused.

Some big dudes in black suits picked her up in a golf cart and escorted her away.

“So, I guess I need to take you home now, huh?”

James laughed as soon as the car was in gear and they were out of sight. “Fuck no.”

…

“Oh my god. This is. The best. Coffee. Ever. Who would think it would be so cheap!” Carlos exclaimed over the wide rimmed mug, frothy with whipped cream. “It’s so good!”

Kendall chuckled over his menu. “It’s just French vanilla coffee, Carlos. They brew it just like other places.”

“Yeah, but this has to have like. I dunno. Crack in it or something.”

“I doubt it.”

James was staring at his menu. “Is there anything on here that’s healthy? I have to watch my physique, you know. You guys keep filling me with fattening food.”

“A couple of stacks of pancakes won’t kill you,” Kendall said.

“Uh, yes, they will. Getting this body up on pointe is hard enough without pounds of sugary starches weighing me down.”

“Then you’ll just have to work it off, won’t you?” Kendall smirked at James from across the table. “Come on. You need a little sugar after having that sour leech sucking your soul out of you tonight.”

James leaned on his hand. “You really need to give her a break.”

“Why should I?”

“Because she’s only like that when you’re around.”

“Kendall, what should I get?” Camille asked suddenly, breaking into the conversation. “Blueberry?”

“They’re great,” Kendall said. “I’m getting chocolate-chocolate chip.”

“What? Oooh,” Camille buried her nose in the menu again.

Logan flipped the pages, even though they were a little sticky from the syrup. “Uhh… jeez, I dunno. I think I might get an… omelet.”

“I’m not gonna sleep tonight anyway,” Carlos added, taking another long swig of his coffee. “I’m getting French toast.”

“French vanilla coffee _and_ French toast? Well, aren’t you cultural,” James remarked, grinning.

“I love their coffee, their fries, their toast, and their kisses. Bring it on.”

“Yes, I too prefer my toast with a lot of tongue.” Kendall smiled and the table chuckled along with him.

“I think I’m going to get the grain and nut pancakes. Someone at this table needs to avoid the oncoming sugar coma.” James bumped his knee against Kendall’s. Kendall ignored it.

“You’re lame, James.”

“I know I am. But I—“

“Yeah, yeah, your goals and stuff. I know. We all suck at our ambitions.”

When they ordered their food, Camille folded her hands under her chin. “So, James. Mercedes? What brought that on?”

Kendall nearly choked on his coffee.

James shrugged. “Just thought she was a good match.”

It was hard for Kendall to hold back the scathing words, poisonous and burning in his throat. But he did.

Logan raised an eyebrow. “You know, I’m a genius, and _I_ don’t even understand you two.”

“Yeah, but you’re not exactly an expert on love science,” Carlos said, flicking a little dot of whipped cream at Camille’s boyfriend.

“Don’t listen to him, sweetie. You’re totally great at love science.” Camille nuzzled his cheek.

“He’s kind of great at all science,” Kendall added.

Carlos smiled at his coffee. “Okay, okay. Someone needs to go to Malibu and teach Dak. Tutor him in your ways, oh mighty Loginator.”

The table laughed, and it was warm and perfect. They enjoyed their late night meal over stories and more laughter.

James glowed in the lamplight. And in the moonlight, too, when they’d paid their tabs and spilled out into the parking lot. They sang songs and danced across the asphalt like it was the end of the world.

Kendall was a bit slow due to the huge stack of chocolate, sugary pancakes, and when he tripped, James was there to catch him.

“I told you to cut back on the starches. Wouldn’t want you to get all flabby.”

“I could never get flabby. Right now. Maybe when I’m forty.”

Kendall tried to force the blush back down his neck, but James’ hands were warm and familiar, and he missed them.

Then James reached down Kendall’s waist… and grabbed his love handles. Kendall yelped and James cackled.

“What about these?”

“Ah, dude!”

He knew things were not fine. He knew he couldn’t deny it forever. He just wanted to be able to deny it long enough to get over it.

If that was even possible, he had no idea.


	17.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 17/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Seventeen

James’ dad came back. Kendall tried to make nice as much as he could. But he didn’t apologize. He had nothing to apologize for. After witnessing James with his father and Mercedes, he could clearly see how stifled he was under their heavy eyes. His practice sessions started to wilt, and Kendall caught him writing words on the mirrors one night. Words that hurt. It was like his body was giving out on him, the weight of the world too heavy on his shoulders.

“James, don’t do this.”

“I have to get this,” James breathed, leaning against the glass, scalding words surrounding him. “I can’t fail now, Kendall. If I fail, he’ll make me quit. I can’t…”

“He can’t make you do anything, James. This is your dream!”

James clenched his fists. “Sometimes that’s not enough, Kendall.”

“Yes it is!”

“Sometimes _I’m_ not enough, Kendall!” James yelled, whirling on him. “Sometimes I’m not the best. I’m not good enough, okay?! I’m not a good enough dancer. I’m not a good enough performer. I’m not a good enough _son_.”

“James, he’s not worth it…”

“He’s my _dad_ , Kendall. I love him. I want him to love this as much as I do. I just… if I can just show him…”

“You can, James. You _can._ You _are_ the best.”

James slid down the wall to the floor and buried his face in his hands. “But what if it doesn’t make a difference?”

Kendall didn’t have an answer for him. He just sat down next to him and put an arm around him and wished he could do more.

Mercedes became less insufferable, actually. Kendall had the feeling she was catching on to James’ stress. Regardless of the fact that she was completely spoiled and a total brat, she did seem to like James to a degree. James wasn’t himself. He clammed up; went cold. He was too stiff, too rigid, completely emotionless. It was like dancing with a robot.

Kendall did everything he could to get James back, but James ignored him, completely and totally focused on his task at hand. Kendall just wished James’ father would be impressed.

He wasn’t.

Desperate times called for desperate measures.

James’ dad was watching him rehearse, that furrowed, dubious look on his face as James tripped and stumbled across the stage. Kendall finally stepped out on stage and grabbed James, pulling him in close, leaning in to James’ ear.

“James, you need to relax.”

“Kendall, I c-can’t—“

“James, look at me. Look right here.”

James did, and he looked so lost, like he was a beginner in a class he could never hope to handle.

“You are going to be fine. Dance like you’ve danced for me a million times. You’re beautiful, James. You can do this.”

James let out a long breath. “Are you sure?”

“I believe in you so much, James. Now show your dad why.”

Kendall wanted to kiss him again. He felt it pulling at his skin, hot fire and deep longing in his chest. He squeezed James’ arm and headed back off the stage to restart the music.

“Look at me,” he mouthed.

James was still nervous, but his body loosened up.

Kendall tried hard to deny the feelings he had for James. He really did. But when his feet started to move and his body started to sway in perfect time, Kendall was captivated and lost. He was so damn beautiful and graceful and just overall amazing, that Kendall was overwhelmed with the longing that had rested in his bones for weeks. He wanted to touch every inch of that skin, taste his breath again. He was a shining star, and wanted to bask in it. He leaned against the wall and watched, glassy-eyed, knowing that he couldn’t act on the swell in his heart.

It really made things worse.

When James finished, he looked out at his father. But his father wasn’t looking at James.

He was looking at Kendall.

…

Thanksgiving break came suddenly. Kendall felt like the world was spinning faster in Cali than it ever had in New York. It felt weird stepping back from working with James and spending time with his family. Not that he didn’t like it, but he had an itch of worry in his chest when he didn’t see James every afternoon on schedule.  His dad had come to stay for a while, and Kendall really wasn’t excited about that news. And they still couldn’t get that damn lift. In fact, it seemed the more that they practiced, the worse it seemed to get. Every day, James would crumble a little bit further.

Kendall had started to surpass him. He was not okay with that. James was the muse, the magnificent one. And _James_ was the one that was going to audition for Julliard. Kendall wasn’t about to let him crack under the pressure.

“That looks beautiful, honey,” Kendall’s mom said from the kitchen, poking her head through the doorway at Kendall practicing.

“Thanks, mom,” Kendall replied absently, shifting through the movements, trying to ease up on his feet. Maybe he wasn’t light enough on them yet to successfully complete the lift or…

He didn’t know. He was grasping at straws. Kendall knew he had natural talent, but James knew every detail about dance there was. Every step, every move, every little shift of weight – James had names and definitions and god-knew-what-else on them. And with James distracted, Kendall worried they would never get everything worked out. They’d already choreographed two dances. The original was still giving them trouble.

“Don’t overdo it, honey.”

“I’m fine, mom.”

Kendall’s mom was making dinner for the next couple of days. Because even though he was on break, she wasn’t. She had to make a short business trip to Las Vegas for a night for her new job, and she was taking out her nervousness by being overprotective with the kids.

“Are you gonna have anyone over while I’m away?”

“It depends what Uncle Greg thinks.”

“Well, he’s going to be working.”

“What, mom, you want me to throw a rave or something? I’ll probably just chill here.”

“Just checking.”

Kendall got frustrated after a while and stomped off to his room, annoyed with his lack of knowledge. He called James, but he didn’t answer.

“Well. Fuck.”

He practiced the other numbers they’d done instead.

…

Kendall’s mom had hit the road, and his uncle had hit the sack. It was just past midnight when Kendall’s phone lit up with a text message.

_I’m outside._

When Kendall let James in, he could feel James’ nerves rattling in his own chest. He didn’t say much, just made his way up the stairs and fumbled around and bullshitted conversation that didn’t really matter.

“James… it’s past midnight. Why are you here?” Kendall finally asked. He didn’t really want to know the answer.

James went silent for a long time, sitting on Kendall’s bed, head bowed. “Kendall…” He chewed on his words, seeming to rephrase them over and over again in his mouth and looking sicker every time. “My dad doesn’t want me to see you anymore.”

Kendall’s fast-moving world came to a complete stop. He damn near rocked forward with the force of the brakes. “What?”

James was visibly trembling, his hands squeezed tightly together, like a silent prayer that everything was just a dream. “My dad… says… you’re a bad influence on me. He doesn’t like the way you look at me. He…” James’ voice lost composure. “He wants me to stop dancing.”

“No.” Kendall felt the word reverberate in his chest, low and powerful and demanding.

James finally looked at him, teetering on the edge of despair, just barely holding himself together.

“No. If you quit, I quit.”

“No!” James jumped up. “You can’t!”

“James, you really don’t get it, do you?!” Kendall spat. “I don’t fucking give a shit about dance class or Julliard or any of that. I don’t want to be the best in the group. It doesn’t matter to me like it does to you. You can’t stop, James. I won’t let you stop.”

“Kendall, you could do what I can’t—“

“You _can_ do it, James! Stop letting your dad dictate what you want!” Kendall paused, fury shaking him to his core. “You know… you know he doesn’t deserve you. He doesn’t deserve all the love and adoration you pour into your relationship with him day after day after day. He doesn’t deserve to have a son like you. You’ve got a _gift_ , James. It only comes once in a lifetime… _You_ only come once in a lifetime, and if he doesn’t see that, it’s his loss. It shouldn’t be yours.”

“Kendall, please don’t quit…”

“I won’t if you won’t.”

“I don’t have a choice.”

“Yes you do! Yes, James, you really do.”

“But if I don’t, he’ll leave. Just like last time, Kendall. I’ve fought really fucking hard to get him back in my life, and I don’t want to lose him again. He will never love me as a dancer, and he will never love me if I’m gay. I know this, Kendall. I don’t want to lose my father.”

“Yeah, well, boys can actually live without their fathers.” The words came out colder than Kendall intended, laced with regret and loneliness he’d been feeling for years.

James’ mouth clamped shut and he flopped back down on the bed. “Fine. Say I have a choice. My dream or my family. What would you choose?”

“I’ve never seen you light up around your dad the way you do around a dance floor.”

“I’m not asking what I like more. I’m asking what’s _right_.”

“That _is_ what’s right, James! It’s what you _love!_ You have to do what you love.”

“Well, you don’t _love_ dance, but you’re still doing it.”

“You idiot, I don’t love dance, I love------“ Kendall faltered, his breath hitching in his throat. Then, he figured, he might as well say it. “You.”

A small silence prevailed before Kendall started babbling. “You have to stop keeping up this charade, James. It’s killing you. You’re so intent on being perfect for everybody that you don’t take a second to choose something for yourself. You have to let him go, James. He’s toxic. If he doesn’t love you for who you are than you don’t need him in your life. He’s going to be the one missing out, James. Not you. He should be ashamed of himself. My dad would have never—“

“You… you love me?” James murmured, turning to look at Kendall with wide, glassy eyes.

Kendall coughed, clearing his throat. “Well… uh… yeah…. I tried not to, but… well.”

“…Why?” The word cut Kendall to the core. How could James not know?

“Uh, well. It’s quite a list. I hope you have all night.”

James didn’t wait for it. He stood up, waltzed right up to Kendall, and pulled him into a kiss. Kendall never thought it’d ever happen again, and having James lips pressed to his proved that, yeah no. He wasn’t over it. Not even a little bit. He tangled his arms around James’ neck and pulled him closer, slipping his tongue between his lips with ease, almost like they were doing another dance of their own. James pulled away after a moment, placing feather-light kisses to Kendall’s jaw and down his neck, his skin fluttering under the contact. He squirmed a little, craning his neck to give James more access, only mildly aware of James’ large hands sliding up the hem of Kendall’s t-shirt. He could feel every line James traced with his fingers as he lifted Kendall’s shirt up over his head. And then they were pressed back together in a kiss that he didn’t want to end. Kendall pushed James’ jacket off his shoulders, hearing it thump against the floor before pushing James backward and hitching his knee onto the mattress until James lay flat before him.

James was breathing heavy, his pupils blown wide, lips swollen. Kendall knew what was happening. He wasn’t stupid. He’d had enough experiences to know exactly what road they were travelling down. There was no coming back from it. There never had been. He brushed a dark strand of hair away from James’ face, and he knew there was fear there. James wasn’t just facing the idea of a relationship. His whole fucking world was cracking at the seams and he had to pick a path before the total destruction took him with it.

Right then, he was probably still floundering a little. Kendall didn’t ask.

The way James had asked Kendall about loving him stood stark in his mind. It was almost a whimper, like he couldn’t possibly believe anyone would ever feel that way about him. Kendall couldn’t understand. James was something incredible. He didn’t know why people shied away from him so much. It was like being in the presence of some sort of idol. Were people afraid of him? Intimidated by him? He didn’t know how people weren’t falling over him every day.

He slid his hand down James’ face, to his neck, pressing his lips against James’ forehead, like he could take away all those fears and insecurities buried deep inside him. He grasped the hem of James’ shirt and rucked it up over his head, tossing it behind him. James curled upwards, burying his face in Kendall’s neck. Kendall let out a soft groan, and James grabbed him by the waistband of his jeans, pulling him onto the bed with him until their hips meshed together. Kendall almost choked the moment James thrust against his hips. The mixture of the friction, and the movement was new and frightening and amazing. James’ eyes rolled back in his head briefly.

“Ohh…” he murmured.

Kendall drug his lips down James’ chest, darting his tongue across James’ skin, and kind of completely winging it. James’ hands were everywhere, roaming over his back, up to the hair at the nape of his neck, gentle but needy and unsure. Kendall popped the button on James’ fly and froze.

“James…” he whispered, suddenly afraid, suddenly intimidated. He clambered up the boy’s body, searching for an answer in the twitch of his skin, the flecks of gold in his eyes, the quirk of his lip, something.

James kissed him again, softly, sweetly, lovingly, sliding his hands around Kendall’s waist over his ass. He smiled into Kendall’s mouth and gave a good squeeze, like he was reassuring Kendall that he shouldn’t take himself so seriously sometimes. And then James wriggled out of his jeans and boxer-briefs, leaving Kendall to stare, stare, stare.

James’ body was perfection. Kendall was dumbfounded with the view, overwhelmed. James flushed a little.

“What?” he asked.

“You really are beautiful,” Kendall gasped, like he hadn’t known it all along. But this was a huge deal, and in the back of his mind, he thought it might be his only chance.

James smiled and kissed him over and over and over. Kendall didn’t want it to ever end. He remembered James explaining to him his masterpiece, the dance they had been working on for months, the piece of his first love, his first heartbreak.

Kendall could suddenly understand it all. It was like flashes of visions before his mind, white-hot and filled with understanding.

James pushed Kendall’s jeans and boxers down slowly, the moon creeping in through the window and casting the room in silver. Kendall played guitar frets on James’ ribcage, sliding his lips over the pulse point in his neck. He felt the steady thrum of James’ heartbeat, quick, like a timpani drum, moving through him, rattling his bones to his core. He didn’t want to pull away, but he clambered off James for just a moment, digging in the trunk by his bed for lubricant. James sat up a little on the bed and laughed.

“What?” Kendall huffed.

“You’re so flustered,” he responded, looking at him in a way that made Kendall’s heart flutter a little bit.

“Well, yeah,” Kendall said, a little sheepishly. “Jeez.”

“Come here,” James replied, reaching out until he could pull Kendall close again.

He felt so warm and safe and secure in that moment. In the whirlwind that was his life, he hadn’t felt it in a long time. He wasn’t able to make up his mind about a lot of things, but James… he was an easy equation. He fumbled a little with the bottle until his fingers were slick. When he pushed them into James, he made a strange, pained expression, his fingers drumming a little on Kendall’s shoulders. Kendall almost shied away, but James bit his lip and shook his head, urging him to continue. He wasn’t exactly sure what he was doing, honestly. Kendall had been with a few girls and whatnot, but it wasn’t the same at all. Not in any sense. James coached him through it with whispered words and little moans in his ear. Soon enough, Kendall was readying himself at James’ entrance.

And he was terrified.

This was it, he couldn’t help but think. The threshold. This was where things were never going to be the same again. But really, was that such a stretch?

He thrust himself inside of James with a gasp. Spots played before his eyes. James’ fingernails dug deep red crescents into his shoulders. He was afraid to move for some time. He didn’t want to hurt James. He never wanted to hurt James. He also knew that it was the beginning of the end, and he wanted the night to last as long as he could manage.

“God, Kendall, move,” James begged.

He did, slowly at first. The tempo quickened with his pulse until it turned into a giant roar of drums in his head until his vision whited out, exploding with the lights of suns. All he was aware of was James clutching to him like he could never let go, wordless cries mixing together with the sweat and the tangled limbs and---

It was over. Kendall felt gravity pull him back down to the earth, and he collapsed on top of James, smelling the scent of body spray and sweat and a million other things that made it uniquely him. He wrapped his arms around James and held him. There they were, in his bed, together.

He honestly had started to think it was a pipe dream.

When sleep crept in to the corners of his eyes, Kendall heard James whisper into his skin. “I love you too.” It sounded similarly to the troubled cry of _Please don’t tell anyone_ back in Malibu. Kendall was certain there were millions of things going through James’ mind at that moment. But he didn’t want to think right then. There was too much heat in the air. It made his head swim. And with James’ fingertips drawing circles on him, Kendall preferred to feel far more than think.

It was better than any high he’d ever had.

 


	18.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 18/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Eighteen

“Oh. My. God.”

Kendall’s eyes popped open. The first thing he noticed was James’ arm, still warm and thrown around him as he nuzzled into Kendall’s back.

The second thing he noticed was Camille standing in his doorway, her mouth hanging open.

“Ah f—“ Kendall jumped up, only to remember that oh hey- he didn’t have any clothes on. He grabbed the sheet from the bed and tugged half of it to cover his shame, his face going bright beet red.

James shot up. “What?! WHAT?!” Then he saw Camille and yelped, rolling off the other side of the bed, his body making a loud thunk against the floor.

“Uhh… this isn’t what it looks like,” Kendall started, looking horrified in his makeshift toga.

James’ hand crept around the bed and pulled a pair of jeans away from Kendall’s feet. Kendall thought briefly about stomping on James’ hand before it went skittering back behind Kendall’s bed.

“Oh my God,” Camille said again, growing more and more scandalized as the seconds ticked by. “Oh my fucking God. Oh my God!”

“Please stop saying that,” Kendall said, a little breathless at the ridiculousness of the situation.

“Better yet, stop yelling it loud enough to bring on the fucking fire brigade,” James added, finally popping up from the floor, buttoning the fly of his jeans.

“When did—what…? How? _You guys are doing it?_ ”

Kendall felt the blood run out of his face. Things were not going according to plan.

“Uhh—kind of.” James spoke slowly. “But please don’t tell anyone!”

“When did this start?!”

“Last night?”

“Oh my G-“

“Don’t say it!” James and Kendall said in unison.

Camille clamped her mouth shut. Kendall let out a pathetic little whimper, scanning the floor for his pants, which apparently disintegrated overnight, because they sure as hell weren’t anywhere around.

“My dad can’t know, Camille. He can’t know anything. He’ll make me leave.”

“When did this start? You guys just decided to… I don’t know… do it last night?”

“No!”

“I’ve got to tell Logan-“

“No you don’t. You don’t have to do anything like that,” Kendall argued, running after her, but tripping over the sheet piled at his feet and face planting the floor.

“Please, Camille, you can’t tell anyone!” James begged, jumping over Kendall with ease and grasping her by the arms. “I love him and I don’t want to leave him.”

Kendall didn’t move from the floor, his heart stopping for just a moment.

“Wh-what?” Camille was breathless. “You guys are in love?”

James looked to be close to tears suddenly, nodding.

“Oh… oh my Goddddd,” Camille whimpered, suddenly overcome with emotion, throwing herself at James. “I’m so happy for youuuu!” Then, after a beat, her mood shifted. “Wait, though. When did you break up with Mercedes?”

Silence. Kendall briefly thought his face was better suited for the floor.

James, meanwhile, looked like he either wanted to jump out the window or puke all over Camille’s slipper-clad feet. Camille read his expression, her eyes widening and her face contorting into a look of complete disapproval.

“James!”

“It’s not—she’s just—“

“Don’t _she’s just_ me, James,” Camille argued. “She may not be the nicest girl on the planet, but she doesn’t deserve for you to string her along while you’re falling into his bed.” Camille pointed sharply at Kendall. He felt like it actually stabbed him for a moment.

“Camille—“

“You’re _cheating_ on her, James!”

James looked scalded. He actually flinched.

Camille sighed. “James…” she paused. “Kendall, get off the damn floor.”

Kendall held the sheet around his waist, finally getting to his feet, albeit a bit awkwardly.

“James,” Camille continued. “I’m happy for you guys. Really. I love to see people in love more than anything. I mean, come on. The main pursuit of anything in theatre is love! It makes the world go round and whatnot. Makes people jump into solos and dance numbers and everything. _But._ You are in a relationship with _someone else_. It’s wrong for you to break her trust and commitment. You need to break up with her.”

James frowned, looking ashamed. “But… I can’t.”

Kendall chewed on the inside of his cheek. He didn’t want to hear that statement either, even though he knew it was true. James’ dad had threatened him not to see Kendall anymore, and didn’t even seem to consider him a son unless James was with Mercedes. At the same time, Kendall had thought he’d gotten through to James. He thought James was going to stand his ground with his dad.

He guessed James wasn’t ready to do that. No matter how much he loved James, he couldn’t make his choices from him. And no matter how badly his dad treated him, he was still his dad. Through and through. Regardless, he was disappointed. He felt it plunge, deep into his chest, yanking him down from the mountaintop made up of new love and fresh sex, back into reality.

And even worse? He was concerned for _Mercedes’_ feelings.

Stupid conscience.

“James… she’s right. You either… have to… you know. Break up with her, or break it off with me. You can’t play her.”

James whirled on Kendall. “But you said you—loved me. We love each other.”

Kendall swallowed. “I know. I do love you, okay? But I can’t just, you know, stand by and let you break someone’s heart just because of that.”

“But it’s the only way we can be together…”

“Then…”

James grabbed his shirt from the bedpost and tugged it on, his jaw tight, eyes bright with fury.

“James—“ Kendall started, but he was already out the door.

“He’s throwing a tantrum,” Camille said.

“I would too if I never got what I wanted,” Kendall grumbled, still searching for his jeans, because, hey, he couldn’t exactly go after James with a sheet tied around his waist.

“For God’s sake, Kendall, they’re right here.” Camille yanked the crumpled denim from the floor, shoved between the footboard and the trunk.

Kendall took them, still feeling like he was being weighed into the floor. His eyes were starting to hurt, pressure building behind them that he tried to hide. But fuck, he was so disappointed. He didn’t want to do the right thing. He wanted to be with James every second of every day and he was well aware that he could have lost him forever. Even after he’d confessed that he loved him. He _loved_ him. It sucked.

Growing up, he’d heard fairy tales, watched Disney movies, and seen that love conquered all. That was why everyone chased after it with such fervor, wasn’t it? He didn’t want to stand there and admit that sometimes love wasn’t enough. Because he knew that James of all people was tired of being told he wasn’t enough. He wanted to fight for James, but he knew that James wouldn’t actually be on his side. Not in the war against his father. He’d always pick his dad. It wasn’t fucking fair.

And why did James have to end up with such an asshole of a dad while Kendall didn’t get to keep his, when he was so awesome?

“Honey… honey, come here.” Camille opened her arms and pulled Kendall into her shoulder. He threw an arm around her and stood there silently.

He had no idea what to do.

…

James could throw one hell of a tantrum. Kendall remembered that from his little “suggestions” to join the higher dance class – which felt like centuries ago, but were still memorable enough to stand stark in his mind. He went through the motions of class, but he made sure to bump his elbow or his foot or his knee violently into Kendall as many times as possible.

Kendall took the abuse. James could be mad all he wanted. The ball was in his court. It wasn’t like Kendall was okay in the first place. The physical pain didn’t compare at all to the deep longing in his chest he felt every time he saw James. After seeing every inch of his skin, after worshiping it, he knew he’d never get that image, that feeling out of his head. And love was insane. It made his stomach flutter around the boy, even when James was being particularly obnoxious and cruel. It made him doodle little _J’s_ in the margins of his notebooks. It made him dream, day and night, the phantom touch of James’ hand steadily on him, a ghostly graze across his hand, a constant, painful squeeze on his heart.

And when James actually touched him, even with a relatively rough shove and a glare included, Kendall’s skin lit up like fire, and it was everything he could do to not tackle James and kiss away all the hurt he’d caused.

That was the worst part. There was so much hurt in James’ eyes, so much confusion. Like he had expected Kendall’s love confession was going to make everything okay again and he wouldn’t have to worry. Kendall knew that James knew life was never that simple. It just wasn’t. He definitely wished it was.

Mr. X was not having any of their shit that day, however. “Diamond, Knight,” he addressed. The entire class’ eyes were on them, and Kendall swallowed, a bit nervous. “If you two have some little… tiff with each other, I recommend you _ex_ terminate it immediately. I will not have this horrible dancing in my class, no _ex_ ceptions.”

“Yes sir.” They spoke in unison and tried not to perk to the sounds of their own voices mixing together in harmony.

After class, the two of them remained, standing there, staring at each other like they were waiting for the planet to implode or something.

“…Didn’t see you for the rest of Thanksgiving break.”

“Did you expect to?” James spat, looking more and more heartbroken the more he looked at Kendall.

Kendall bowed his head. “What are… what are you gonna do? Stop dancing? Stop associating with me? Just like daddy says?”

“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “You don’t get it. You don’t get it. I have to do this.”

“No. No you don’t!” Kendall argued back, moving across the space, a sudden flash of anger in his step. “You’ve convinced yourself that you have to so you don’t have to make any decisions.”

“What?!”

Kendall’s mouth started to run, his disappointment and frustration with James spilling out, and he couldn’t stop; wouldn’t stop. “You’d rather think that all this shit is totally inevitable, some stupid play of fate, before you even think about doing anything about it. Wouldn’t you?!”

James went red in the face, his eyes bright amber under the lights, fists clenched and ready. “No.” His voice was low, a warning of what was to come, the calm before the storm.

“Yes,” Kendall retorted, his heart hurting. “You do all these things because daddy says. And yet the reason you got here in the first place is because you were actually doing what you wanted! What the fuck _changed_ James?!”

“He came back!” James yelped. “He came back to me, and he expected me to be… I don’t know. Out of this phase or something.”

“It’s not a phase, James!” Kendall grabbed James by the arms, and James looked like he was being burned. “You _love_ me. Look me in the eyes and tell me it isn’t true. That’s not a fucking phase, James.”

“What do you want me to do, Kendall? Fight you?”

“No!” Kendall’s voice cracked. “I want you to fight _for something_. For once in your fucking life, put up your fists and _do_ something!” He squeezed James’ arms, pressing indentations into his skin. “I know you’ve worked hard at what you do. You talk about having all this ambition and drive and how people don’t get you, but then you go and sit, waiting for everything to fall into your lap! Sacrifices have to be _made_ , James. It sucks, but it’s true.”

James’ eyes were glassy. “Kendall—“

“You can walk out on me a million times, James,” Kendall breathed. “I’ll be right here waiting. But if you walk out on your _dream_ ; on all of this? I will never forgive you.”

“You have no idea—“

“What you’re going through?” Kendall finished. “Trust me, I’d give up a lot of things to be with my dad again, but I sure as hell wouldn’t if I was in your shoes.”

James shoved Kendall away. After a second, he grabbed Kendall by the fabric of his hoodie and shoved him into the wall, the barre digging into his spine. Kendall waited for the pummeling. He’d said what he’d wanted to say. When James kissed him, it was molten fire and nuclear explosions in his head. He was still angry. He could feel it in the way James’ hands dug into his skin, the sharp clack of his teeth against Kendall’s unexpecting mouth. He could feel the long line of a bruise spreading across his back as James rammed him against it again and again, pulling Kendall’s legs around him and sucking the oxygen from his lungs like some deranged spirit. Kendall moaned down James’ throat, pulling him in closer, closer, even if he knew it was wrong. His entire body screamed for James, and he wasn’t about to let go.

James scrambled for purchase on Kendall’s sides, his hips canting upward. Kendall felt everything through the thin line of his sweats. He gasped against James’ mouth, and his head fell back against the mirror, feeling like there was a fire pit in his stomach. There was nothing gentle about James’ touch. It was pure, solid, anger. And there was something oddly exciting about it.  
  


James yanked Kendall’s sweats down, pushing a finger inside him without one word of warning. A hiss of pain flew through him, his back arching violently. Finger two equaled more pain. But James didn’t let up for a second. He stretched Kendall quickly without one ounce of care. It was all fury.  And then Kendall was dropped to the floor and whipped around, the barre digging into his chest as he gripped it in his palms. James spit on his hand and returned it to Kendall’s bottom, but only for a minute. Kendall knew he wasn’t lubed up enough for James. He wasn’t. And when James shoved inside him, he felt like he was being torn in half. He let out a silent scream, spots playing before his eyes as he stared himself down in the mirror, James’ head bowed behind him, his hair masking him from view.

“J—“ Kendall tried to word, but god, everything hurt. With every movement, Kendall felt like he was coming apart. He kept looking at James behind him, catching little glimpses of him, a flash of gritted teeth, golden demon eyes.

And then something bloomed out, mixing with the horrifying pain in his body, the slight burn of pleasure in his gut. The rhythm was fast and rough. Kendall felt his entire body tightening, his heart pounding, silent shouts stuck in his throat. When he came, it was sudden and unexpected, a flash of white in his eyes, his entire body shuddering against the bar as James filled him. He stumbled backwards, slumping against James, his entire body aching. He felt sick and dizzy. There was still pain radiating inside him, his vision swimming. After a moment, James pulled out and Kendall fell forward against the bar again, biting back the agony and the embarrassment of the mess he’d made on the inside of his sweats. He was lucky he had another pair in his locker. But getting to it would be quite an adventure.

He caught a glimpse of James in the mirror through the haze. He looked mortified and ashamed. And then he was gone, running like he had every other time. Kendall wanted to cry.

…

It took Kendall far longer to get home than usual. Every step he took was a bolt of pain up his back. When he finally did get back to the house, the stairs looked like Mt. Everest. But he made his way up, half crawling when he was certain he was alone. When he was able to climb into a hot bath, he sunk all the way up to his chin and closed his eyes. The pain ebbed away slightly, but he still felt like someone had ripped his insides out. He was exhausted. He wished he had a little weed to calm him down. His muscles were still tense and sore from gripping the bar and fighting against the pain. He leaned back against the tub and tried not to think about.

He wasn’t doing a very good job at following Camille’s advice. James had cheated on Mercedes again. Kendall sunk under the water completely until his head got hot and his air ran out. He spent the next hour soaking until the water went cold. Then he climbed out, a little better, and went to bed, burying himself under the covers for a blackout sleep.

He woke to his phone buzzing. He groaned, curling into himself before finally grabbing the offensive object and pressing it to his ear.

“Hello?” He asked, and his voice was low and gruff and full of sleep.

“Dude.”

Kendall blinked. “Wh—Joseph?”

“Dude, go outside.”

Outside was a long way away. But Kendall shucked on some pants and slowly made his way down the stairs, to the front door, and then—

“Holy shit.”

Joseph was leaning against his car, smiling from the driveway.

“Surprise!”

 


	19.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 19/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

  
  


Chapter Nineteen

“D-dude! What are you doing here?!”

“I see you got dolled up to see me,” Joe pushed his sunglasses up, sliding the hair back away from his scruffy face. “Bring it in, man!”

And Joseph was hugging him. Kendall’s heart soared momentarily. He was hugging his friend. His friend that had been relatively absent from his life for months. And with all the ridiculousness going on around him, the whirlwind that was his life, it sure felt good to be grounded with Joseph, just for a second.

And then it all exploded again.

“Seriously, dude. Not that I’m not happy to see you, but… why are you here?”

Joseph grinned. “I ran away, man. I came out here to play guitar. And to be with you!”

“Wh—what?” Kendall stared, his jaw hanging open. “But, wait… wait a second.”

“Dude, New York is awesome, but not without you there. Besides, I got tired of being told what to do all the time. I just wanna play guitar, man. So I’m out here. Gonna take my shot at the big time.” He paused, looking Kendall up and down. “Jesus fucking Christ, dude. What happened to you?”

“What do you mean?”

Kendall looked down at the bruises James had left on his ribs, the large violet line across his back. He didn’t realize he was in such bad shape.

“Dude, were you in a car accident? What the hell happened to you?”

Kendall flushed. “Uhhh… it’s a long story.”

“Well,” Joseph swung an arm around Kendall’s shoulders. “Why don’t you take me into this mansion of yours and tell me all about it. Because now that I’m here, there’s no way in hell you’re ignoring me now.”

…

Kendall didn’t exactly want to come clean to Joseph about how his life had been going the past few months. After all, Joe had already complained that Kendall might have been replacing him, and, yeah, Kendall had to admit that he did to a degree. He wasn’t proud of it, but such was the case. And suddenly with his life going crazy, there Joe was with open arms, ready to pick of the pieces.

It made Kendall feel like an asshole.

“So what gave you the idea to, you know. Run away?”

“Dude, that phone call a while back? I didn’t hear anything from you and you wouldn’t answer my texts or calls. I was worried.”

Kendall grimaced, shamefaced.

“Well, that, and I turned eighteen.”

Kendall felt worse. He’d even missed his best friend’s birthday.

“Dude, don’t look so sad. Do you remember what happens when I turn eighteen?” After Kendall failed to come up with an answer, Joseph did it for him. “I cashed out my trust fund. I’m loaded. I can get an apartment and furniture and all kinds of shit and my dad and stepmom can’t do shit about it.”

“Dude…” Kendall stared, a little worried at what the outcome would be.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“You’re walking around with who knows how much cash in your pocket. That’s not safe.”

“Well, I guess we need to go to the bank and open an account for me then, huh?”

“I’m… sorry for worrying you,” Kendall finally admitted with a sigh.

“It’s fine. I always worry about you, man. What had you so upset anyway?”

Kendall shook his head. “It’s… it’s complicated.”

Joe flopped down on Kendall’s bed, running his hand over the blanket, almost like he _knew_ something important had taken place there. “I have time. Talk to me, bro. It’s been too long.”

Kendall sighed, sitting down next to him. “I’m… in love.”

Joseph furrowed his brows. “You’re shitting me.”

“I wish I was.”

Joe leaned back on his hands. “How do you know for sure?”

“I don’t know… I just… _know_ , I guess.” Well, that made no sense. Kendall mentally slapped himself.

“So who is it?” A twinge of jealousy flitted over Joe’s features, and Kendall didn’t miss it as much as he wanted to. “Who’d you fall for in the past few months you’ve been here?”

Kendall sighed. “It’s not a stupid thing, I swear. He just—“

“Wait, hold up. _He?_ ” Joe looked scandalized. “I didn’t know you liked cock, man. Have you been secretly pining after my skinny ass all these years?”

“What? No!”

“Well, don’t act so offended.”

“I’m not—I mean you’re not--- I mean, you totally are--- ugh.”

Joseph gave Kendall a wry smile, his eyes twinkling. “I’m just messing with you bro. Relax.” He paused. “So my boy finally got some ass. Or gave some ass, judging by the way you’re walking. Kendall, you whore.”

“Fuck off, man,” Kendall laughed. Then he flinched as he shifted because it still did hurt to move.

“Apparently you like it rough.”

“Not this rough. Things are a little… er… crazy right now. James’ dad refuses to let his son be gay, so that kind of gets in the way.”

“James huh?” Joseph looked a little wistful. “That’s the name of the guy you’re in love with.”

“Yeah… that’s him.”

“Does he love you back?”

“What?”

“Does he love you back,” Joseph said again. “Like. Do you know?”

“He said he does. He’s just confused at what to do. His dad is a monster, man.”

Joe folded his legs under him. “So you took off to Malibu a while back. I’m guessing you’ve made a lot of friends.”

“I’m sorry, Joe.”

“Don’t be sorry, dude. You’re an awesome person. I expected you to make friends.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I guess I was just used to having you all to myself. And that’s my bad. But don’t shut me out anymore, okay? You don’t have an excuse. I’m here now, and I’m not leaving.”

Kendall sighed. “Okay. Okay. I’m sorry.”

It felt good to clear the air. He had a lot on his plate still, but guilt over Joseph was pretty much off the table.

They spent the rest of the evening catching up. Joe had a little bit of stash left after driving cross-country, and they shared it in good company. With a little bit of buzz on him, Kendall felt a lot better.

…

“I think I’m gonna do it, guys. I think I’m gonna drive down there over Christmas and ask him to be my boyfriend.”

Carlos kept talking about Dak. Kendall was actually a little embarrassed. Joe had no clue who Dak was, and probably didn’t really care at the same time, but Carlos couldn’t shut up about him. Kendall briefly wondered if Carlos talked about all the people he cared about with such fervor. Camille was perfectly welcoming to Joe, and Logan disappeared with him a couple of times during the evening and came back talking nonsense. Joe told Kendall he definitely approved of a stoner med-student.

“He blows my mind, man. How can you be that fucking smart? I don’t even know.”

It was an interesting evening, Kendall combining old friends and new. James, of course, was mysteriously out of the picture. He hadn’t seen him for two days. His wounds healed, but his heart didn’t. He felt like James had panicked and taken his father’s side, disappearing forever.

Their project was unfinished. Kendall thought about trying to do it himself, but he wasn’t sure if he had the heart to do it. His heart felt like it was splitting in two, as much as he tried to hide it. He thought he’d lost James forever.

Until he got home.

James was standing on the doorstep, looking like he hadn’t slept since the last time they’d met. His hair was sticking out at odd angles, and his face was drawn and oily. He was dressed in old dirty sweats, his arms crossed over his chest like he was freezing even though it wasn’t cold.

“…Is _that_ your Romeo, dude? I’d say you could do better.”

“James?!” Kendall rushed over to him, his heart a roar in his ears. “What are—what are—“

“I broke up with Mercedes,” James breathed.

“What?” Kendall felt his heart skyrocket.

“I broke up with her. I… I want to be with you. I— I have to—“ James grabbed Kendall by the face and kissed him in front of everyone. Kendall was certain his face was bright red by the time he pulled away.

“Ohmygodohmygod!” Carlos shrieked. “THIS IS HUGE.”

“What about your dad?” Kendall asked.

“He doesn’t know. I can’t tell him, Kendall.” He looked so upset and bothered. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry.” He threw his arms around Kendall and held him there for what felt like ages.

“It’s okay, James. It’s okay. Are _you_ okay, though?”

“Y-yeah. I’m fine.” He was lying. Kendall let him. He was just happy he was back.

“So… er… hi.”

Kendall perked at Joseph’s voice. James turned and looked at him, puzzled.

“I’m Joe.”

“Oh, uh…” James looked sheepish, like he’d just realized that he was among company. “Hi. James. I’m James.”

“I’ve heard,” Joe replied smoothly, looking amused.

They got along massively well. Kendall was almost shocked at how easily James and Joseph carried on conversation. Joe’s lackadaisical demeanor seemed to fit in well to James’ massive determination. And Joe had a passion for music that rivaled James’ for dance. He played songs and the group sang and danced around the house all night until Kendall’s mom and Camille’s dad got home from work. It was fun. Kendall felt his shoulders easing. He looked forward to the holidays, spending them with his friends. And James.

He laced his fingers with James’ when they all settled in front of the TV for a monster movie marathon, and Kendall didn’t care who saw. Even when his mom shot him an intrigued glance, he just smiled at her dreamily.

By the last week of school before holidays, James and Kendall had pieced together a large amount of their dance – though they had the tendency to get a little distracted at times, sharing private little kisses and more on their own time. They had avoided that lift in lieu of other things, but when the time came to show what they had come up with, they danced with more fervor and emotion than Kendall had ever expressed. No movement felt rehearsed. He felt like he was being guided by strings, moving to the rhythm of his own heart. He didn’t want to let James down. He didn’t want to stop touching him. He kept gravitating to him, moving gently around him, never breaking eye-contact. It was intense and passionate and far different than he’d ever known.

Camille and Carlos had cut the last ten minutes of their classes to watch from the doorway. When Kendall and James struck the lift, Camille cried. Kendall’s head flew back, then forward, craning over James’ body, eager as he slid down his form, all grace and balance and everything James wanted for his masterpiece. He even thought briefly about kissing him, but Mercedes had a trained eye on him, brows furrowed. He didn’t care. His whole world was right there with him. When the dance ended, he was in James’ arms, balanced and nearly parallel with the floor.

Mr. X was impressed. Actually, he was enthralled. He clapped dramatically and waved a handkerchief and proudly yelled _Bravo! Bravissimo!_ They were officially _Ex_ quisite.

“Ah, my darlings, my darlings,” Mr. X cooed, as if they were his children. “I look forward to your auditions for Julliard in the spring. You will be _ex_ ceptional.”

Kendall smiled in spite of himself. He still hadn’t decided whether or not to audition. But James… he lit up like a Christmas tree. He looked a little stunned with himself, as if he had no clue that he was even capable of what he’d just done. Kendall had known all along.

“Hey,” Mercedes said, walking up to Kendall, glaring.

“Yeah?” Kendall asked, in too good a mood to let her ruin it.

“…Good job,” she sneered.

She looked James up and down. “Your dad going to see this?”

“No.”

James dad probably didn’t even know James had broken up with Mercedes. It was likely that lie was the only thing keeping him in the class.

“Too bad.” Mercedes made a face that made the phrase sound like a threat. Kendall didn’t like her tone.

“Yeah, it really is,” Kendall said.

…

Christmastime in L.A. was different than New York. Normally there was at least a foot of snow on the ground, and the city was gleaming with Christmas-lights. L.A. was a bit more commercialized than NYC, and brisk if anything. It was hardly cold. The sun was shining and people were still out and about. Joseph was a bit out of his element. He’d been on his own for a little less than a month, and he seemed to be longing for a chill on his back. He was keeping busy, however. Three girls named Jennifer were in and out of his life all the time. They were all pretty, but Kendall kept getting them confused. Joe said he couldn’t figure out which one he liked more. Kendall didn’t really think it made a difference. Joe was never an exclusive kind of guy anyway.

They all had dinner at Carlos’. The Garcias insisted that Kendall and Camille and their families join them. Kendall was amazed at how warm and inviting it was there. Not that Carlos wasn’t an exuberant production of what his family’s love had created.  He had two younger brothers, Pablo and Emilio; and a sister, Rosita – who Joe kept trying to hit on, even though she was in college. The food was fantastic and the company was even better. James couldn’t keep his hands off of Kendall. When he caught Kendall under the mistletoe, Kendall’s mom started giggling and ushered him away for just a moment.

“So when are you going to tell me about you two, hm?”

Kendall blushed.

“Honey, I’m happy for you. But don’t go overboard, okay?”

“Mom, it’s Christmas,” Kendall argued. “Everyone goes overboard.” He laughed and kissed her cheek and went back to his boyfriend, feeling happier than he had in a long time.

They did their dance for the party guests and Camille cried again because she was a sap, and then snuck off to be alone for a while. James looked a little melancholy as they slipped out the back door and into the gazebo in Carlos’ back yard.

“What’s wrong?” Kendall asked, his arm around James’ waist.

“It’s nothing,” James sighed. “I just… I wish I could be like this around my family, you know? I wish my family could be like this. My mom and dad… ever since the divorce… they can’t even be in the same room together.” He paused. “You know… you know how people always tell you, when your parents get divorced, that it’s not your fault?”

Kendall nodded.

“Well, it’s not true for me. I know it was. They fought over me. 24-7, 365, until Mom couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t know. I guess I just thought if I could be what my dad wanted, maybe everything would be okay…. But I can’t really do that either without lying. I’m just tired. That’s all.”

Kendall frowned, but James shook it off. “But enough with the dramatics. I’ve got your present.”

“What is it?”

James pulled out a little gift bag and dug inside of it, retrieving a little silver hoop between his thumb and index finger. “It’s a promise ring. I know. It’s stupid. But…” He placed it in Kendall’s palm. “I know that you’re worried I’m going to hop up and leave. I don’t want you to think about that anymore. So. This ring is my promise to you; that by the end of the school year, I will tell my dad everything, come hell or high water. And I’m going to be the best dancer in the world.” He ran a hand over Kendall’s cheek. “I know I can be. I… I have a muse.”

Kendall was a little overwhelmed. He didn’t really have a gift that could compare to what James had offered. It wasn’t the promise ring. It was the promise itself. He knew what it entailed. It meant his father being out of his life, a blacked out star in the sky. And even with the guy being such a horrible person, even after claiming time and time again that he would do the same, Kendall couldn’t fathom having his father out of his life by choice. Never by choice. Never without circumstance.

“James… this is…”

“A lot, I know. But… I’m happy with you. I _feel_ like dancing all the time when I’m with you. My dad… he tears me down and tears me down and… I can’t do it anymore, Kendall. I need someone to support my dreams, not squash them. I can’t walk away from this, and I can’t walk away from you. You’ve… you’ve changed me. I’ve never felt this brave before.”

It was funny, because Kendall had never felt more terrified for James.

He put his hands on the side of James’ neck and leaned his forehead against the other boy’s. “Whatever you need me to do, just say it. I’ll do it.”

He knew he was jumping in the deep end. But if James was willing to risk it all, Kendall sure as hell was going to do it too. He had to live up to his words.

Love was just a crazy emotion. It was a no-holds-barred, jump in with both feet without looking thing. He knew that it was dangerous, trusting that much of his heart to someone. No one was guaranteed their investment back. But he didn’t care in that moment. Not one little bit.


	20.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 20/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Twenty

Kendall felt like he was walking on air. He had music coursing through his bones that kept him on pointe constantly. He practiced in his room alone, and with James when he could, and even when he was waiting in line for coffee with Joseph (and sometimes his Jennifer of the day.)

“Got a guy coming to hear me play tomorrow. Could be my shot at the big time, dude.”

“I hope you get it, man.”

“I’m freaking out. I need to score some pot soon so I’m relaxed when I get up there.”

“Joe, you don’t need it to play. You’re amazing. Give yourself a break.” That was where Joseph reminded Kendall the most of James. He had all the confidence in the world until he didn’t. When Kendall really thought about it, most performers seemed to. It was an odd anomaly that Kendall could never quite figure out. “You’re going to be fine.”

“Yeah, but what should I start with? Cover? Original? I don’t know man. I want to please the crowd and they like covers, but I want to do my own stuff too.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” Kendall smirked. “You gonna take Jennifer?”

“Uh, I don’t know. Which one?”

“Any of them I’m sure would be fine.”

“Yeah, well, we can’t all have romance novely relationships with our dance partners.”

“You don’t have either of those things.” Kendall laughed. Joe did too.

He ordered his coffee and made his way over to the window to wait on it. “Carlos headed off to Malibu this morning to whisk Dak Zevon off his feet. You’re gonna have to catch up soon, dude. We’re gonna all have to triple date without you.”

“Tell you what. You guys be three couples, and I’ll just bring three chicks.”

“Okay. You do that. I wonder how they’ll react.”

“Dude, they’re all best friends. I’m amazed they don’t all come out with me together already. They’re almost never apart.”

After a few minutes, they retrieved their coffee and headed for a table. “So,” Joseph asked. “Has James told his pops about you two yet?”

“Not yet.”

“Is he going to?”

“Yeah. I’m letting him take his time. It’s not really the easiest thing he’ll ever do.”

“True that.”

Kendall looked out the window, squinting his eyes at the sky. “Damn, it’s clouding up.”

“Yeah, it definitely looks like rain.”

…

It did rain. It was coming down in buckets by evening. The entire world turned gray, drowning under the downpour. He was thinking about calling James. The house was empty and it was chilly outside. He thought it might be a good night to curl up with James and sleep the night away.

Or not. They could do other stuff too. He was totally up for that.

But then his phone rang. He pushed it up to his hear.

“Carlos! How’s my favorite little monster?”

“Hey, er…” Carlos’ voice was fuzzy on the other end. “My car broke down just outside of the city. Could you maybe… uh… come get me? Please?”

Kendall raised an eyebrow. “Why didn’t you call a tow truck?”

“Oh, um. I don’t have any data on my phone right now. Can’t get a number. If you’re busy, it’s cool…” There was something unsettling about Carlos’ voice.

“Where are you? I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

When Kendall finally pulled up, he saw Carlos’ silhouette against the white lights of his headlights. He had his arms crossed and his head down. Kendall ducked out of the front seat of the car and ran over to Carlos, puddles splashing around his feet. He was already soaked through when he reached the smaller boy.

“Hey, what’s wrong with your car? Why are you standing out here?”

The damn thing was running fine from what Kendall could see. The one that looked far from fine was the boy leaning against it.

When Carlos lifted his head, Kendall knew something was up. He’d never seen such a devastated expression on his face. Actually, Kendall had never seen Carlos sad before.

“Thanks for coming… I’m sorry you’re all wet.”

“You’re all wet too. Dude, are you okay?”

Carlos’ eyes welled with tears and he bowed his head. “I’m so stupid!” he yelled suddenly, stomping his foot against the pavement. “I’m so fucking stupid…”

“What happened? What—“

“He lied. He _lied._ ”

“Who lied?”

Carlos sobbed running his wet jacket sleeves over his face. “Dak…” The word left his lips like a shudder. “He… he said all these things. Every time we spoke, he said such nice things… but he didn’t mean them. He didn’t mean them, Kendall.”

Carlos threw himself into Kendall’s chest. “It’s not fair! He did everything but laugh in my face. He told me I took him… took him way too seriously. That he wasn’t looking for anything like that. He doesn’t even… he doesn’t even care about me. He told me he wasn’t interested in me at all… but… but I thought he was! I thought he was! It’s not fair! I…” Carlos shuddered against Kendall’s chest. “…I’ll never come first for anyone… will I?”

“That’s not true, Carlos—“

“Don’t lie. Please. I can’t have someone else lie to me today. I can’t.” Carlos pulled back and paced a little, all flustered energy and tears. “It sucks, you know? I try so hard, but it’s never good enough! Everyone’s like, oh, that’s fine. Carlos is fine. He’ll be fine. Well I’m _not fine_ , Kendall! I’m tired of putting my all into something and then never getting it! I’m sick and tired of dreaming and dreaming and dreaming and not getting one fucking result!” He collapsed into another fit of tears, leaning against the vehicle with his head in his hands. “I just want one yes. Just one. I need someone to tell me that all of this matters, that I’m not kidding myself.”

“You’re not.”

Carlos looked up at Kendall, and Kendall’s heart shattered. “Well, I feel like I am. I feel like everybody’s just been lying to me all this time, telling me that, yeah, I’m a great actor, and yeah, I’m a great musician, and yeah, I’ll totally find someone that appreciates that and loves me for it. Maybe it’s all shit. Maybe I’m completely delusional. Did you ever think that? Maybe I’m not… I’m not cut out for this. Maybe no one’s going to look at me and see… I don’t know. Someone worthwhile.”

“Carlos…”

Carlos slid down the car and sat on the ground, weeping openly. “I just keep thinking that… maybe if I was a little bit better… someone would actually like me.”

“Everyone likes you, Carlos.”

“Yeah, of course they do. Everyone likes me. Everyone loves for me to make them happy. And I love doing that too. But when it really comes down to it, it’s so easy for them to just… I don’t know. Forget about me. That I actually have feelings besides being so freakin’ happy all the time, y’know? Yeah, Carlos. He’s that nice guy in everyone’s class; the guy that will do anything for you. Is he dating material though? Nah, someone will make him really happy one day, though. He’s a total catch. Just… not for anyone in his immediate vicinity. Besides, he’s so happy, I’m sure he can handle heartbreak just fine, especially if it’s over and over and _over._ ” Carlos looked like he wanted to sink into the ground. “I’m supposed to make someone really happy someday? When is someone going to make _me_ happy, Kendall? I’m trying so hard… it just doesn’t seem to make a difference. When’s it going to be my turn?...”

Kendall sat down next to Carlos and put an arm around him, pulling him close. “I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better, Carlos… But I don’t think you’d believe me, even if I told you the truth.” He rubbed Carlos’ arm. “But look. You’re young. We all are. Things aren’t always going to go our way, but we have to keep trying. You’re an actor, man. You’ve been taking rejection forever. Of course these things are going to build up once in a while. It’s frustrating and scary, and you think you’re going to end up some sort of statistic, but you have to have confidence that you won’t.”

Carlos sniffed. “I’m so tired.”

“I know. Be tired. Be angry. Be upset. But don’t stop doing what you do, Carlos. You’re an amazing actor and performer, and you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met. Please don’t let other people that aren’t as good as you ruin you. Don’t let them bring you down to their level. Because you’re so much better than that. And I know that you don’t want to hear this right now but… someone out there is going to see that. Someone that will love you like you deserve. In the meantime, you’ll just have to settle for us, hm?” Kendall smiled at him softly. “You’re constantly making me want to be a better person, Carlos. You’re nice to people who don’t deserve it, and you take _a lot_ of crap. But it’s what makes you so sweet and kind and strong. Because you rise above that. You’re so much more of a man than I am for doing that.”

Carlos leaned into Kendall and closed his eyes, sniffling. “Do you really think that?”

“Of course I do. I’m never gonna lie to you, man. I mean… you literally took my hand and dragged me into this city and showed me everything was okay. You’re my best friend, Carlos.”

“I’m sorry I made you come out here…” Carlos coughed a little. “My car works fine.”

“Don’t feel bad about it, man. I’m here for you, whatever you need.” Kendall helped Carlos up. “Tell you what. Let me take you home. We can dry off and then go out and do whatever you want.”

“Kendall?”

“Yeah?”

Carlos rubbed his eyes, looking still like a kicked puppy, but at least he had a little more resolve. “Can we… can we make a fort and watch movies? My dad and I did it all the time when I was little.”

“Yeah. We can definitely do that.”

Carlos threw his arms around Kendall and squeezed. Kendall squeezed back and vowed that he would never let someone hurt Carlos like that again. Not if he could help it.

…

Carlos was completely different the next day, bright and cheery and very like his old self. But he didn’t mention Dak once. It was like he’d completely erased him from his memories. Kendall knew better. Dak Zevon had almost broken Carlos. And Kendall would never forgive him for that. Carlos was too special, too important to break. Kendall knew if he ever saw Dak Zevon again, the kid would definitely not walk away with his teeth. Or probably any other bones for that matter. They walked into school together, Carlos humming showtunes under his breath.

Kendall had learned to decipher them over time, but only until that day did he realize he could match them to Carlos’ mood underneath. That day, he was humming “On My Own.” He was still sad. And whether or not he pretended Dak existed, he definitely did, and Carlos was still totally thinking about him.

But heartbreak took time to get over. Kendall was going to be supportive, but he didn’t want to uncover any fresh wounds before they had the chance to heal.

“Hey, where’s James?” Carlos asked, lingering outside the dance room.

Kendall looked around. “Huh. He must not be here yet. He’s probably just running late. You don’t want to do the same. Beat it. I’ll wait for him here.”

“Kay. Oh, uh, Kendall?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks. For everything.”

“You’re welcome. Go act your pants off.”

Carlos laughed. “Careful. I might actually take them off.”

James was late for class, but otherwise in good spirits.

“Sorry I’m late,” James said, throwing his leg up on the barre next to Kendall and stretching. “That asshole Stetson had some sort of bone to pick with me for some reason.”

“Didn’t catch why?”

“Nope. I had my headphones in. It was all gibberish until he threw me against a locker and threatened me. Not really sure what I did.”

“Eh. Guy’s a pussy. He won’t do anything.”

“I know. God forbid he breaks a nail, right?”

They laughed.

“Hey, I didn’t hear from you last night. I tried calling.”

“Yeah,” Kendall admitted. “I was going to call, I promise. But… some stuff came up. I don’t know if I’m really at liberty to discuss it to be honest.”

“That’s fine. No worries.” James started stretching his other leg. “I’ve got some great ideas for our next project.”

“I’ve got some great ideas too,” Kendall grinned at James, waggling his eyebrows.

James rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Really, Kendall?”

“Hey, you’re the one getting all flexible in front of me. I can’t help where my mind goes.”

James blushed. “ _Kendall._ ”

“I am just saying that I’ve seen you naked enough that I always see you naked.”

“So glad to be the _object_ of your affections, babe.”

Kendall was glad no one was listening. It was more fun when James had to worry about it whilst no one actually cared. He figured half the class had already assumed they were fucking long before they actually were anyway.

“Hey, you want to go see Joseph play tonight? I have free tickets.”

“Yeah, sounds awesome.”

Before James took to the floor to begin the exercises of the day, he turned to Kendall. “Hey, uh… Carlos is okay, right?”

Kendall blinked. “Y-yeah. Why?”

“Well, wasn’t he going to spill his guts to Dak? How’d that go? Do you know?”

Kendall frowned. “…Not so well.”

James sighed. “That sucks.”

“Yeah,” Kendall said. “Heartbreak blows.”

…

Kendall was fairly certain that Joe was not old enough to be playing in the club he’d booked. He was even more so when Carlos whipped out a bunch of fake IDs for them to use to get inside.

“Stop panicking. I had these made by a friend in the prop department. They’re the closest thing to legit you’ll ever get.”

Kendall glared at the little piece of plastic, shifting it through his fingers like he was waiting for it to disintegrate or set off an alarm or something.

“Are you _sure_?”

“Kendall, don’t be such a stick in the mud,” Camille laughed. “Trust me, they’re good.”

Kendall pouted at Camille. “You get on to me for smoking weed and you’re a total bad girl.”

“I prefer being in full control of my mental faculties.”

“Unless you’re wasted.”

“That was like. One time.”

“So far.”

“Shut up.”

Kendall was in a good mood. He had his fingers laced with James’ and had an entire evening planned. Carlos had lightened up considerably. He wasn’t even humming sad showtunes, though his shoulders did slump a little bit more than Kendall was used to. He swung an arm over Carlos’ shoulders and pulled him in tight.

“You okay, dude?”

“Yeah, fine,” Carlos answered quickly, and then dropped it.

Kendall felt like he’d witnessed a world wonder. Carlos came off as so emotional and sweet, but when it really came down to it – he was a control freak. It was like he didn’t want anyone else to ever see him crack at the seams. He put his actor-face on, adjusted it to the situation, a mask. Kendall wondered if anyone else had ever seen Carlos angry or sad – _actually_ angry or sad, not playing it in a show.

He didn’t want to ask.

They got into the place with relatively no issue. Kendall was surprised. But when he looked around, he saw a lot of younger looking kids – Hollywood elite types that could pay their way in without issue. The place was a hip joint, a little bit smoky with expensive alcohol behind a lit up bar. Joseph was tuning his guitar on stage, testing the mic and the amplifier. He waved at the group as they all made their way to a table close to the stage, and Kendall peered around the crowd, trying to find the bigwigs that were apparently there to hear Joe play. But everyone looked like bigwigs and Kendall felt massively out of place.

But then Joe started to play, and James entangled his fingers with Kendall’s again, and Kendall didn’t want to be anywhere else in the world.


	21.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 21/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Twenty-One

Kendall was proud. That was an understatement. In the time that Kendall and Joe had been away from each other, he had cranked out writing that absolutely wowed him. Sure, he was aware that some of the lonely, lilting melodies and lyrics were partially inspired by him, but that didn’t make them any less amazing. And when his set was over and the crowd applauded, damn – that was what real passion, real love looked like. Kendall knew that Joe had made the right decision. He didn’t have to go to school or play the cello. Pure, unadulterated passion put him heads above the rest.

It did the same for James. And Carlos.  Hell, even for Camille and Logan.

Kendall suddenly felt extremely ordinary, a human among gods. Almost like he didn’t deserve to sit among them. Because, yeah, when he really thought about it, he wasn’t extremely passionate about dance. There was only one thing he was really all that passionate about.

Kendall fiddled with James’ promise ring on his finger, feeling the cold metal rub under his thumb. He hadn’t danced for years before he came to California. And then James had forced him to use his talent. And then he’d longed for James’ companionship. And then he’d fallen for James. He really hadn’t had any time to even come to terms on what he was doing. When he really thought about it, he still didn’t feel all that strongly for dancing. Not that he hated it. But he didn’t love it. He didn’t understand that ferocity in James’ eyes, that constant struggle to be better that Carlos had allowed to devastate him into a withering heap on wet pavement. He’d never felt it.

Hell, when he was a kid, his dad was always so supportive. And dance was fun. He loved how much his dad put into it to make sure he had as much fun as possible. He’d told his dad that he wanted to be a dancer when he grew up. But he was a kid. Kid’s decided to be superheroes and fairy princesses too. They picked their futures based on what was the most fun. Dancing was the most fun for Kendall. If his dad had taken him to the go-kart track, he probably would’ve wanted to be a racecar driver. He felt more for people than he ever did for activities. After all, he’d spent plenty of years being motionless in Joe’s bedroom too, just because he liked the company.

Maybe he just hated being alone more than anything else. It was easy to give up dance after his dad left, not just because they didn’t have the money, but because going there reminded him his dad was gone. He wasn’t going to get the hug goodbye before class, the little ruffle of his hair, none of that. It was over. And that hurt way more than not dancing.

“Hey, Kendall. Hello? Babe?” James waved his hand in front of Kendall’s eyes.

He blinked. “Hm?”

“You’re a million miles away. Everything okay?”

Kendall nodded, taking a page out of Carlos’ book. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Joe got a couple of business cards. A couple of agents looked at him with dollar signs in their eyes. Kendall was excited for him. One of the Jennifers – Kendall still wasn’t sure which one Joe saw more often or if it was an even match between them all – hooked on his arm on the way out, and their merry little group stalked the sun-bleached sidewalks until the early hours of the morning. It was really an amazing evening, fellows dropping off to their own homes. It dwindled down to just James and Carlos and Kendall, traipsing upward toward the school grounds. Carlos had slowed significantly, partly because of alcohol, but Kendall could see Dak’s betrayal weighing heavy on his shoulders.

“Uhhh… I think I’m gonna head home,” Carlos said softly, breaking away from them. He was the only one that had gone stag that night. “I’ll see you guys around.”

“Carlos, you don’t have to leave. You’re not third wheel or anything—“ Kendall started.

“Y-yeah, I know. I know.” Carlos put on his best smile, but at the late hour, it cracked a little. “It’s okay. I’ll be fine.” He shuffled his feet a little. “Just… you guys be careful okay? I have a bad feeling.”

Kendall looked at Carlos. He hadn’t even realized that it was the plainest he’d ever dressed. Carlos looked _drab._ That worried him.

“Carlos…”

“I’m okay,” Carlos said again.

“Let us walk you home at least?” James finally cut in. “Or we can all go up to my dorm—“

“I love you guys,” Carlos said. “But seriously? I’m fine.” He sighed. “It sucks being alone. But do you know what I have? Besides you guys?”

Carlos pulled out his headphones and held them like they were golden trophies in his hand. “Elphaba.”

“Elpha-what?” Kendall raised his eyebrows.

Carlos jumped into a chorus of “Defying Gravity,” even though he was certainly disturbing neighbors, and headed for the sidewalk with all the flare and emotion that Kendall knew to usually come from him. He puffed his chest and wailed, bellowing the notes to the night, to anyone who might be listening.

_And if I’m flying solo, at least I’m flying freeeeee!_

“He is something,” James mused, shaking his head at the disappearing silhouette, still belting out notes to the pavement.

“He is.” Kendall sighed, leaning into James’ side. “Do you really think he’ll be okay?”

“I think he’ll show up everyone in the long run. And he definitely deserves to. You know what they say, fifty percent pleasure; a hundred percent pain.”

“Is it really worth that? I mean…. You guys look in the mirror and tell yourselves how awful you are. You focus on every single flaw. You try so hard to be absolutely perfect. And when you don’t reach your goals, you get knocked way down. And at the same time, you’re getting bombarded by people telling you everything _they_ think is wrong with you. I don’t know how you do it.”

“It is worth it. Because… it _means_ something. I don’t want it to be perfect for the sake of being perfect.” James looked out over the empty campus, the moonlight leaving silver spots on his cheeks, bleeding through the leaves on the trees. “I want it to be perfect because it’s something I care about so much. It means everything to me. I’m not about to do anything less than the best.”

Kendall wished he felt that strongly. Hearing James speak, he wasn’t moved at the idea of perfecting the art. He was moved that James’ love for it was so strong. He kissed James gently, felt James smile into his mouth as he wrapped his arms around his neck. His body was so tired and heavy, but the second he kissed James, he felt like he was floating on air again, like he could climb mountains and skydive and dance until it was perfect-perfect, just like James wanted. Then, James was grabbing him by the hand and tugging him up the stairs behind him, up, up, up to his room, where they toppled through his doorway, limbs tangling in their own little choreography. Kendall fell back on James’ bed with a sigh, pulling the other boy with him.

“I love you.” He breathed the words into James with ease.

They buried themselves under James’ covers and fucked until their bodies were too tired to keep going, and they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

It felt great. Kendall never wanted it to end.

…

Kendall woke up to the sun on his face, and James sitting up in the bed next to him, staring at his phone.

His face was stark white.

“James?” Kendall asked sleepily.

James never looked up from the screen. “I got a text this morning… Mercedes says she knows our secret and she’s going to tell my dad.”

Kendall’s heart plummeted.

“Wh-what? What are we going to do?” Kendall sat up so quickly that his vision blurred for a moment. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears. “Why is she—“

“She told me she wouldn’t if I… if I was her boyfriend again,” James said, dropping the phone on the bed and looking nauseous. “I didn’t want to tell him until the end of the school year, Kendall. He’s going to make me stop dancing, Kendall. He’s—“ James ran his hands though his hair. “What do I do?!”

Kendall had no idea. He wrapped his arms around James and pulled him close. “I won’t let him stop you, James. I won’t.” How he was going to prevent that was still a mystery, but he was tired of running and tired of trying to please everyone. “We’ll figure out something.”

James started to cry. Kendall could feel the tears on his neck and the soft shudders of James’ body. “Kendall… I’m gonna lose my dad. I’m gonna lose my dad.”

…

Kendall walked fast. He couldn’t stop the blood from pumping in his veins, the breath shallow in his chest. His entire world had been uprooted in one foul swoop and he was left a little dumbfounded at it all. James was hot on his heels, still on the phone with his mom.

“Yeah, mom, I know he knows, but he doesn’t want to believe it. If I come out with it now, he’s going to fucking destroy me!... No, mom. He’s totally capable. He said he was going to make me stop dancing if I didn’t drop Kendall immediately. I’m pretty sure if he finds out that he’s my _boyfriend,_ he’ll---“ James huffed. “Yes, mom. He’s my boyfriend. No, I don’t really want to try to arrange a meeting right now! I’m kind of in the middle of a crisis!”

Kendall’s phone buzzed then, and Kendall pushed it to his ear. “Hello?”

“Hey.” It was Carlos. “I have a question.” He sounded a little lost.

Kendall grimaced at James, who was still shouting into his phone. “What is it?”

“Is there… is there any reason Jett Stetson cornered me this morning and… beat me up?”

Kendall froze. “ _What?!”_

“No, no, I mean. I’m okay. I fought back. I mean, let’s be honest. Dude’s kind of a pansy. But I am too, so it was a really pathetic fight-“

“ _Carlos_ —“

“So um. He had these two dudes with him. In suits. And sunglasses. They were like the Men In Black, I swear to God. And Mercedes was there.”

There was a pause. Kendall got flustered quickly. “ _And?!”_

“Oh, I thought you were gonna stop me. Anyway, Jett and the two guys kinda held me up against the wall, commanding that I tell them the truth about you guys…”

Kendall slumped a little. “What did you tell them?”

“I told them… to talk to someone who gave a fuck.” Another pause. “Kendall, if I could fly like Elphaba, my life would be so much more convenient. Yeah, Jett’s a pansy but the other guys beat the crap out of me.”

“Are you okay? Where are you?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine. This glorious lady with red streaks in her hair came to save me.”

“What?”

“It was like she was Sid Vicious. But a girl. A pretty girl.”

Suddenly, another voice came on the phone. “Look, dude, I don’t know what’s going on, but I think you’re friend’s a little punch drunk and you might want to come get him. I’ve got guitar lessons in ten minutes.”

Kendall huffed, a little unsure. “Okay, thanks…”

He hung up and looked over at James, who had pretty much ended his call to his mother in frustration.

“She says that I need to tell my dad and that he’s an asshole if he doesn’t accept me.”

“O…kay.” Kendall grimaced. He remembered giving similar advice.

“Well that’s easy for her to say from miles away!” James ran his hands down his face. “How the fuck did she find out? She’s never around us except in class. Jesus Christ.”

“Yeah, but her dad’s _Arthur Griffin._ She’s got eyes all over this fucking city, James. Hell, I’m sure she’s got your room bugged or something.”

“Please don’t say that. If she’s going to tell my dad I’m gay, I certainly don’t want her doing it by playing him audio of our escapades.” James sighed. “What did Carlos want.”

“He said that Jett, Mercedes, and two goons totally beat the crap out of him trying to find out about us. She’s gone on the serious offensive. James, you gotta talk to her. We have to do some damage control.”

“No.”

Kendall’s eyes widened. “No?”

“If I tell my dad myself then she has nothing to go on.” James put on a brave face, but Kendall knew better. He was shaking in his shoes. “I’m gonna go talk to him. Go make sure Carlos is okay. And call Camille and Logan and Joe and make sure they don’t get rounded up by Griffin’s crazy squad.”

“Okay,” Kendall said. “Also, I’m gonna beat the shit out of Jett Stetson.” He looked at James. “You’re gonna be alright?”

James frowned. “I’m going to try.”

…

“Dude, she was like… a goddess from rock heaven. I’ve never seen anyone like her before. Crazy colors in her hair, eyeliner…. She’s just like me!”

“Uhh, not quite. Carlos, don’t you think it’s a little soon to be rebounding on some chick that got a couple of punks to leave you alone?”

“I think she’s a _superhero_ or something.”

Kendall put the icepack back on the fairly obtrusive knot on Carlos’ head. “Dude.”

“I think she said her name was Lucy. And I think she also mentioned she had a brother. Who’s a drummer. A hot drummer.”

“She said he was hot?”

“No, I just assumed.”

“Where’d she go?”

“She said she had guitar lessons.”

“So she takes lessons here at the school?”

“No, dude. She _gives them._ A musical genius.” Carlos sighed, content, and, yes, as the apparently-darling Lucy had said, a little punch-drunk.

It was cute though, oddly enough. He was a little bruised, a little broken, but recovering in the only way he knew how – living in fantasy. He was like a little kid. Kendall was actually kind of happy just to see a genuine smile on Carlos’ face.

“Where’d Jett take off to?”

“I don’t know. Lucy scared Jett off. She said something like she was gonna rip off his nutsack and shove it down his throat so he could actually fuck himself. It was really vulgar and awesome.”

Kendall had a feeling he’d like Lucy a lot.

“And the rest?”

“Mercedes got all irritated and took off, taking her alien-fighters with her, man. I don’t know what’s going on. It’s like she’s determined to destroy everything James has fought for.”

“She’s not going to,” Kendall said. “I won’t let her.”

Carlos leaned into Kendall’s shoulder, closing his eyes. “I’m glad you love him so much.” There was that twinge of hurt again in Carlos’ voice. Kendall was becoming more and more certain that Dak Zevon had not been the only one to break Carlos’ heart in the past few months.

He sat there and wondered if James had gone through with it or chickened out. He’d been running for a good portion of his life from who he was, just in hopes of impressing his father. He’d given up everything for dance. He hadn’t been willing to do that for a person yet. Which, yeah, that was a lot of pressure for anyone. But James’ dad came between him and everything he ever wanted. Eventually, he was going to have to climb over that wall. Mercedes had just forced his hand.

Mercedes had a right to be angry. James had broken her heart. He had cheated on her, even. Played her like his own little puppet to please the opposing force that was his father. Kendall wanted to talk to her, make her understand that James didn’t mean to hurt her, he didn’t…

Kendall couldn’t make excuses for James, no matter how much he loved him.

He took Carlos home to a very concerned mother who started babying him immediately. Then, he went to look for Mercedes.

He found her in the dance hall. Kendall fought back fuzzy memories of James grinding him against the barre. She was practicing her technique and making a very strong effort of pretending Kendall didn’t exist.

“Mercedes…”

“Go away. I’m busy,” she said with that same air of snootiness that Kendall was used to.

“I know what you’re doing, and it’s not gonna fly by me. James has gone to tell his dad himself. You don’t have a card to play.”

She scoffed, never breaking form. “My father is one of the richest men in the country. I get what I want when I want it. And I want James.”

“But he doesn’t want you, Mercedes!” Kendall argued. “James is gay. That’s just the way it is.”

“James is also the son of one of the highest ranking business owners in the country as well. And frankly, the merger that would come from my marrying him is too sweet to turn down.”

Mercedes finally stopped, turning to look at Kendall with malice in her eyes. “I knew that you two were fucking around way before he broke up with me, you know. You think this is all about me getting all Taylor Swift of him leaving me? Please.This was never about love, you dolt. It’s business. And I run a good one.”

Kendall’s stomach plummeted into a pit of poisonous hatred. He felt it creep up his skin like insects, turning his features ugly and his eyes dark. “You can’t have him.”

“Well, once his dad’s out of the picture, all that’s left is mummy. All I have to do is make a few phone calls. I’m pretty sure she’ll come around to my side.”

“She won’t. She loves James.”

“She let James come all the way out here. By himself. And she never paid him a dime even though she’s one of the richest women in the country? Yeah. Doubt it. She takes his side because she feels guilty, or because he’ll make a good model for her one day, or something like that. Have you met her yet?”

“N-no. But she wants to meet me…”

“James’ dad told me everything about that hag. She’s kept all the money to herself and watched James fail over and over again. She’s not going to say no to this merger.”

“This isn’t the fucking middle ages. Parents can’t just marry off their kids for business!”

“Get over yourself. You’re not going to win this fight.”

Kendall clenched his jaw. “I may not have money, but I have plenty of heart.”

“Oh, and where’d you get that? A baseball movie? Some charming dad character with a stubbled jaw tells that to his son? Hm?”

That stung.

“You’ve already lost, Mercedes. You have. Because if you took anything James’ dad said about his mom seriously, then you’ve definitely got your facts mixed up.”

Kendall wasn’t so sure. James’ mom seemed to support him to a degree, but there were also some fishy details that Mercedes had brought up. Regardless, Kendall stood steadfast.

“Whatever.” Mercedes went back to technique. “When you’re crying to your mommy, don’t say I didn’t tell you so.”

Kendall didn’t want to hear anymore. He stopped in the doorway and looked back. “Does it suck, Mercedes?”

“What?”

“To have me one-up you in pretty much every way without having the money to fall back on. I would think it does.” He made his exit, infuriated.

…

James was waiting for him when he got back to the dorm, sitting on the bed with his fingers knotted in front of him, staring at the wall.

Kendall waited for a response. He didn’t say a word.

“It feels like…” James started. “It feels like he’s died.”

“What?”

“I mean. I’m never going to see him again. Never going to hear his voice, see him smile, hear his laugh. He’s just… poof. Gone. Just like that.” James’ voice was raw with tears. Kendall could see them gathering in his eyes. “And the worst part is… I’m never going to know if he’s proud of me. Of all the work I’ve done. The things I’ve accomplished. I’m never going to know that because he’s not willing to budge.”

“So… you told him.” Kendall felt the need to state the obvious.

James rubbed at his eyes. “I told him. Then I told him to leave. Then I told him to never come back.”

There was a long silence where James got up and milled about the room, rubbing furiously at the tears that kept making his way down his cheeks.

“The worst fucking part about this… this business, if you can call it that, is that you are shaped and molded for people to tell you they hate you. You have to give up _everything_ , all for your art. And every fucking day. Every single fucking day, you look in the mirror, and all you see… you see flaws.” James knocked his mirror off the wall, it landing with a thud against the carpet, a spider web of cracks making their way across the surface. “I thought… I thought if he would like me. Just a little bit. Maybe I would like me too… but I don’t.”

“James…” Kendall’s heart ached. He wanted to make James feel like he was a king among kings, but he didn’t even know where to begin.

James shook his head. “I’m never going to like myself until I can… prove to myself what I’m worth.” He choked on a sob. “I’ve got so much to do…”

“Did he try to make you quit, James?”

“I didn’t let him try. You asked me if it’s all worth it last night. It is, Kendall…. I can’t explain to you why, but it is. You can ask any of these kids that are passionate about it. They’ll never quit. They’ll let the world destroy them before they quit.”

Kendall did understand. And he couldn’t believe it. But for the first time, looking at James, completely broken, but still standing, he understood. He knew what it felt like want something so bad, but not be able to acquire it. James’ happiness….

“I’m sorry, James,” Kendall said, overwhelmed with guilt. “I shouldn’t have let you make that promise. I should’ve been more discreet when we were out. I should’ve—“

James threw his arms around Kendall and buried his face in his neck. “Don’t apologize. Please, don’t fucking apologize. I love you, okay? I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Kendall held James for what felt like eternities, just standing there in his dorm room.

“I love you too.”

Understatement of the year.


	22.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 22/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Twenty-Two

Kendall was sick the next few days. He figured it was from all the stress of the past few months, boiling up and over in him. He stayed home from school, bedridden with fever-dreams and mixtures of faces, voices, and sounds. His entire body ached like his muscles were being pulled by phantom hands, and his mind was in a haze he’d never created on his own. His mother flickered in and out of his vision with the touch of a cool cloth that occasionally broke the haziness just a tad.

He saw his dad every time he closed his eyes. And once when he opened them.

“Dad?” he questioned, confused. “Wha—“

“Seems like you’re having a hard time there, kiddo.”

“I… I don’t know what to do, Dad. I’m so confused. I don’t know what I want…”

“Kendall, it’s going to be okay.” He reached out his hand, closer, closer, closer to Kendall’s face, to cup his cheek.

Kendall woke up drenched in sweat.

…

“You’re up!”

Kendall’s mother was a mixture of surprised and relieved, popping up from the sofa and rushing to him at the stairs. Kendall let her put an arm around him and usher him into the kitchen. He was still a little woozy and exhausted from his fever breaking. She sat him down on a stool.

“Honey, how are you feeling?”

Kendall shrugged a shoulder, spent from the walk down the stairs.

“Do you want something to eat? I can make you some soup.”

“Okay.” He looked around. “Where is everyone?”

“At work and school, sweetie. I took off the past couple of days to take care of you.”

Kendall nodded. He wasn’t really aware of what day it even was.

He wondered how James was doing.

He also wondered if his father had really been there, in his room, telling him everything was going to be okay. He wanted it to be. But things were still a little off in places. Little details had yet to be filled in.

He wanted to see James.

“Mom, can James come by? I need to talk to him.”

“Honey, your boyfriend’s really sweet, but you’re sick, and you two can get up to your shenanigans when you’re better.”

Kendall sighed. “Mom…”

“Yeah?” She looked up from her soup-making.

“James came out to his dad. For real. His dad left. It’s like… it’s like James never existed to him.”

She paused, putting the spoon down on its rest on the stove. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I don’t understand why people think they can cut their children out of their lives. No matter what, you will _always_ be my child, and I will always love you. You could get tattoos or shave your head or drink blood or whatever. I’d still love you. Now, if you do something I don’t approve of, I will definitely say something, but-“

“Do you approve of me and James?” Kendall was amazed at how wilted his voice sounded.

“Honey…” His mother left the soup to warm, walking over to him and putting her arms around his neck. “I want you to be _happy._ If that’s with a man or a woman, it doesn’t matter. As long as you’re happy.”

Kendall rested against her for a moment, just enjoying her warmth. “I am happy.”

“Good.” His mother kissed his forehead. “It’s actually really nice to hear. You were always miserable back in NYC. Now you’ve got all these friends and this wonderful skill and you’re boyfriend. I’m so happy for you. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you.”

He just didn’t know what was supposed to actually _be_ ahead of him.

…

“James. Let go.”

“No.”

Kendall laughed a little into James’ shoulder. He’d been engulfed in a hug for probably about two minutes, and it was moving past touching and straight into awkward.

“I’m fine.”

“Yeah, _now_ you are,” James laughed, pulling back and looking him in the face. “But going four days without you is hard on my delicate psyche.”

“Your psyche can manage, I’m sure,” Kendall responded in good humor. He was still pretty worn down, but he felt well enough to go back to school. “How… are you holding up, by the way? I feel like I bailed on you in a really crucial moment, you know.”

“I’m… I’ll be okay,” James said softly, still not taking his hands off Kendall, like they were magnetized to him. “But you sit out today, okay? No dancing for you until you are completely back to speed. I’m going to definitely take you to get you some healthy food after class too.”

“But what about practice?”

“Fuck practice. You’re more important.”

Kendall was touched. He fought the blush in his cheeks. “Eh, it’s not like you need practice anyway. We’ve got this thing down.”

“Don’t get cocky, now. The audition’s in a couple of weeks. We have a lot to prepare for.”

“We’ll be okay.” Kendall encircled James’ waist with his arms, knowing the statement hung on a million different rungs. “We will.”

“I think so too.”

…

Carlos was all over the stage with his latest number. And he was dressed in a loud yellow shirt and black leather pants. Kendall was definitely enjoying sitting in on rehearsal.

_“The minute I first met you, I could barely catch my breath; I’ve been standing for days with a phone in my hand like an idiot scared to death! I’ve been wandering through the desert, I’ve been beaten I’ve been hit! My people have suffered for thousands of years but I don’t give a shit!”_

“Carlos is aware that this song is sung by a Jewish guy in his mid-twenties, right?” Camille looked amused.

“I don’t think he cares.”

_“If you had a pierced tongue, that wouldn’t matter. If you once were in jail or you once were a man. If your mother and your brother had relations with each other and your father was connected to the Gotti clan, I’d say Well! Nobody’s perfect! It’s tragic but it’s true! I say hey, hey Shiksa Goddess, I’ve been waiting for someone….”_

“So what do you think made him choose this song for his next performance piece?”

“I’m assuming it’s got something to do with the ‘angel’ that saved him a while back.” Kendall laughed, shaking his head. “To be honest, I think she gets more afraid of this kid by day. Carlos is a lot to take in at first.”

“Yeah, but he’s totally lovable. Maybe she’ll come around.”

“Only Carlos would pick a song like this to confess his love for someone,” Logan added, jumping in to Kendall and Camille’s conversation.  “He could’ve done something sweet and charming, but _nooooo_ , he wants to talk about incest and piercings.”

“Have you met Carlos?” Camille asked Logan, smirking at him. “That’s just the type of guy he is.”

“Well, it’s nice to see him back to his old self at least,” Logan replied. “I kind of hope this one works for him.”

“If it doesn’t, he’ll fall for someone else. I don’t know how he does it. I’ve never known love to be that fickle.”

“His love’s not fickle,” Kendall said. “He just has a lot more of it to give than others.” Carlos started belting notes to the back of the auditorium and Kendall grinned. “Also, he sings the shit out of this song.”

“Yo yo!” Joe greeted, bursting in the door with James. “We gots McDonalds!”

“Wow,” Kendall laughed. “Dude gets signed to a label and really spends the big bucks. You’re spoiling us, Joe.”

“Hey. I bought for everyone. Shut up.” Joe ruffled Kendall’s hair out of place as he plopped into the seat next to him. “I even got James to get some artery-clogging stuff. You should be proud of me.”

“Don’t be proud,” James said through a mouthful of double cheeseburger. “I’m just hungry.”

Kendall dug in the bag for his food and waved Carlos down from the stage as he finished his number.

“Hey, I didn’t catch all of that, but it was pretty bitchin’,” Joe said.

“Thanks,” Carlos replied, out of breath, but looking really pleased. “Mickey D’s?”

“Yep. We’re getting you guys very used to our poor kid cuisine.”

“You’re not supposed to eat in the theatre.” Carlos put on his serious face. It didn’t last long. “Unless you remembered my iced coffee.”

“With caramel.” James shook the plastic cup at Carlos.

They pow-wowed and listened to the other theatre kids putting on their little show.

“What are you singing, Camille?” James asked.

“’Maybe This Time’ from _Cabaret._ It’s not my favorite, but it’s showy and I can have fun with it. Carlos is gonna steal the show this time though.”

James leaned against Kendall’s legs, sitting on the floor, his head falling back against Kendall’s knees so he could look up at him. “You have ketchup on your face.”

Kendall swiped some of the sauce from his sandwich and plopped it right on James’ nose. “So do you.”

“Hey!” James chuckled, wiping the offensive swath of red off with a napkin. Kendall just used the back of his hand.

Kendall was happy to see James laugh and smile. He had been so certain that James wasn’t going to recover from his dad leaving, but he seemed to be doing okay.

When he walked James back to his dorm, he finally brought up something that had been bothering him for a while.

“James?”

“Yeah?”

“What about your mom?”

“What about her?”

“I mean…” Kendall looked at James with concern. “She’s got all this money, but you’ve been here, waiting tables and doing work study and trying to get by on just your scholarship. Why didn’t she help you out?”

James scratched at his neck. “Mom is… weird. She loves me, okay? She supports me being gay and wanting to be a dancer and everything. But… I don’t know.” James crossed his arms over his chest. “She’s got a huge reputation to keep. The divorce was so messy. It messed up a lot of things for her. So… I told her to let me do this by myself. Besides, it’s the real experience. I’m working my ass off and I’m being an adult and I’m not letting someone buy my way through the program. I’m saving her the trouble.”

“James…”

“It’s okay. It was my decision. I don’t want my life messing up hers.”

“But it wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, I’m… still trying to tell myself that.”

“James. Call your mother. Catch up with her. Don’t just talk to her when there’s a crisis.”

“She’s busy.”

“She’ll talk to you. James, you need to have people in your life. She supports you. You need her.”

“I need you.” James kissed Kendall on the jaw. “But I’ll talk to her if it’ll make you happy.”

“It will.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Practice. Get to school early, okay?”

“No problem.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

They kissed and parted for the evening.

…

Needless to say, James was in even better spirits the next morning.

“Did you talk to your mom?”

“Yeah, I did,” James said, turning on pointe and swaying into Kendall’s arms. “She says she’s going to come see the big dance production. She wants to meet you.”

“I hope I don’t have to put on a show for her.”

“Of course you do. She’s coming to see a _show_ , Kendall. Jeez.”

“You know what I meant.”

“Anyway. Are you excited for the Julliard audition? I’m freaking out! It’s so close!”

“We’ll be fine.”

Kendall felt his gut twist slightly. He hadn’t really wanted to bring it up, but the closer the audition got, the more he wanted not to do it. He would definitely stand in and help James… but he wasn’t really sure he wanted to go to Julliard. The structure didn’t sound fun. And being surrounded by more kids that wanted it so badly when he just… didn’t…

He didn’t think he could handle that.

But he wasn’t going to say anything. James was too excited for it. And he wanted James to be happy, no matter what.

It was weird. He really didn’t know who he was or what he wanted. Besides James. He wanted James every hour of every day. It was the only reason he danced. James made him feel like dancing. And if that was what he was doing, Kendall wanted to do it too.

But it just didn’t seem fair, considering James had worked so hard to get to that point. Kendall really hadn’t. He’d lucked out with some natural chops, but he knew that Julliard only took the best. He sincerely doubted he was the best, but he didn’t want to make the list over someone who would appreciate it so much more.

“Hey. You’re a million miles away again. Kendall, please focus.” James rolled his eyes. “Let’s practice that lift.”

“Why? It’s fine.”

“What? I like it when your body’s all over mine.”

Kendall laughed.

Well, he did like that.

He just wished the guilty feeling in the back of his mind would go away.


	23.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 23/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Twenty-Three

Jitters didn’t even begin to cut it. James looked absolutely mortified.

“James.”

“Kendall, babe. I love you. But do not talk to me right now. I have to focus.”

They were filling out their audition forms. Kendall stared down at his. It had so much information to be filled. The experience section was a big blob of white space on the page, waiting to be filled to the brim with information, with space left on the back for more if need be. He looked around the room to see other hopefuls scribbling words lightning fast. Kendall didn’t have anything to write. He had the upcoming dance concert and the classes. But everything else was from a decade ago. He wrote a few things, frowning at his meager sheet of paper, while James was still writing, writing, writing. He’d done so many things, worked so hard.

Kendall paled in comparison.

At the same time, he wasn’t about to turn down the audition. Because this was for James. And this was a big deal. He didn’t really know what he wanted, but he knew he wanted to be with James. So he figured that was good enough to give it a shot. Maybe, he thought, maybe he was meant to be a dancer. Maybe he just hadn’t gotten that spark for it yet. It’d been a really eventful year. He wanted to talk to James about it, but he was a stone. It looked like a billion things were running through his head every second.

He finished his form before everyone else, sitting, looking around the room. All those young, hopeful faces. All those dreams. It felt wrong. So many of them were going to be turned away, denied. And they all wanted it so badly.

Sometimes wanting it wasn’t enough, apparently.

It made it hard to see the appeal.

He grabbed James’ hand when he realized it was trembling against the clipboard he was writing on.

“It’s gonna be okay, James. Relax. You can’t dance if you’re this tense.”

James took a deep breath. “This… this is so huge.”

“You’ve got this…. _We’ve_ got this.”

James nodded, a little unsure, but his shoulders eased a little. He squeezed Kendall’s hand. “I hope so.”

“I know so.”

They waited for hours. People talked about the school, and they tried to play down the fact that they weren’t going to take probably ninety percent of the group:

“It’s not that you’re bad, or that we don’t want you. We just have limited space, and you may not be what we are looking for right now. We welcome you to audition for us again in the future.”

“Yeah, I’ve auditioned for them three times already,” came a mumble from a kid sitting behind Kendall. He looked strung out, like he couldn’t keep going for much longer.

Kendall swallowed the fear in his throat.

They watched people come and go, in solos and in pairs, looking confident, looking worried, or looking completely distraught. People didn’t fall in an audition like that. People didn’t make mistakes. And yet they put so much pressure on the auditionees that it was almost impossible not to. James looked greener the closer their audition time got. As they stretched, Kendall was certainly worried James was going to vomit or pass out. But he didn’t. He was a bundle of jitters and fear until they reached the audition room. Suddenly, everything passed away, and he was standing there, pure confidence, head held high. Kendall was amazed. He’d never seen such a transformation before. He had let it all go. It was like everything that bad that had happened to him the past year – hell, his entire life – came to that moment. Swept away. This was it. This was _his_.

“Let’s do this,” he said softly.

The tension in the room was palpable. Kendall felt it in his bones, the tightness in the air, the nerves, the shattered dreams all over the floor. All because of three people sitting at a table. The man on the left was freakishly thin but muscular, peering down his large nose with a weird air of superiority that just felt unearned. His dark hair was long and pulled back at the nape of his neck, and his long, bony fingers were folded in front of him. The woman next to him was a little heavier, dressed to the hilt with red hair that curled around her face. She kept adjusting her glasses and fiddling with her wedding ring. And the last guy was super clean cut and looked very tired of being there already. He would be hard to impress. Kendall could read the guy like a book.

James was completely nonchalant, all smiles. “Hi,” he greeted, presenting them with their forms. “We’ll be doing an original number today, to a ‘The Hill’ by Irglova.”

“Okay,” the first guy said without looking up from their sheets. He pursed his lips at Kendall’s sheet.

“Mr…. Knight.”

“Yes sir?” Kendall asked, his heart racing in his chest.

“You don’t have a lot of experience.”

“I know, sir.”

“Mm…” The guy responded with a breath, looking completely unimpressed.

“Um… whenever you’re ready,” James said, a little taken aback, but hiding it well.

The judge cued the pianist.

Kendall and James did their dance, James’ dream, his story, and it felt… _different._ With all the baggage behind him, James moved with freedom, the scream of youth in his bones. He let everything out, and it welled in Kendall’s chest, all the emotions in every touch and caress on his body. It flew through his skin like lightning, and he was doing all he could to keep up. It was like the best sex he’d ever had. Everything fell into place. Everything was so visceral and real in that moment, but at the same time, he felt like he was on another planet, swaying to the melancholy lilt of the piano. When they struck the lift, James’ hands were so strong under him, and he could feel all the need and fear through his fingertips, thrumming through his ribs and into his lungs. As he slid down James’ form, their lips glided against each other for a millisecond, and it was explosions behind Kendall’s eyes. When his feet touched the ground, he wanted to waver on his spot or fall to his knees or something. But he didn’t. He stood his ground and looked James in the eyes. James eyes were perfectly gold-green, glossy and so proud. He knew how hard he had worked. He finally had gotten to show it. Finally.

“Thank you,” said the woman on the right, gesturing to the door. No critique. No comment. Nothing.

As soon as the door shut behind them, James burst into tears, throwing his arms around Kendall and letting it all out.

“Oh God. Oh God, I was so scared.”

Kendall couldn’t believe it. “What?”

“You couldn’t tell?”

“No.” He took in a shaky breath, his cupping James’ face in his hands. “You were perfect.”

James pressed his forehead against Kendall’s. “We did it. I can’t believe it.”

“We’ve got another show to do, so don’t relax yet.”

James hugged Kendall again, overwhelmed and emotional and completely out of breath. Kendall squeezed him back, closing his eyes and relishing in the moment. James’ dad was missing out on something magnificent. James was worth so much more than what his dad saw.

Kendall wished he could see it. He really did. He wished his own father could see it too.

…

“Dude. I was so terrified.” James swallowed a huge forkful of pancake. “Like. I have never been more scared in my entire life. My knees were shaking.”

“He nailed it,” Kendall cut in. “I seriously didn’t see one little bit of fear on his face.”

They were piled around the table at iHop, just like they had gathered after Carlos and Camille’s show. Carlos was on his third cup of coffee and a little bit jittery.

“I’m happy for you guys. I can’t wait til you get your acceptance letters.”

“Oh God, can we not talk about that?” James cried out. “I don’t even want to think about a letter from them right now. _I_ want to think about delicious pancakes.”

Kendall leaned on his hand and looked at James affectionately. “I don’t know why you’re even worried.”

“Yeah,” Camille said. “Everyone says that though. It makes it so much worse if you get rejected.”

James took a long time to swallow his next bite, the appetite slowly waning from his face.

“Don’t think like that. You nailed it, James,” Kendall said, shooting a look at Camille. She was not helping.

“Lots of people nailed their auditions, Kendall.”

“You’re going to be fine.”

“So um,” Carlos changed the subject. “Are you guys excited for the dance concert?”

“Yeah. We finally get to show everything we’ve been working on.” Kendall was thankful to say the least.

“I was thinking of inviting Lucy to go with me. Do you think she will?”

Logan chuckled, twirling his fork at Carlos. “Have you even spoken to her since she _saved_ you?”

Carlos blushed. “Um… not really. No.”

“That would be a good start.” Logan replied, smiling. He looked very pleased for Carlos, but he wasn’t about to stop razzing him. “Hopefully she doesn’t cut out your organs or anything.”

“Hey, you’re the doctor, dude. You’re the one that will be doing that one day.”

Logan wiggled his fingers. “I _do_ have steady hands.”

“That’s what she said,” Joe laughed, pointing at Camille.

The table burst into laughter. Logan’s face turned bright red. Camille kissed him on the cheek.

“You know… I love this,” Kendall said after a moment, when everything died down. He looked over the group, hugging his coffee cup in his hands. “I love being with you guys.”

“I think you did find a pretty good group, dude. Glad to be a part of it again,” Joe said, throwing an arm around him.

“We love you too, schnookums,” Camille giggled, reaching across the table to pinch Kendall’s cheek. “This has been an amazing year.”

James smiled, glowing in his seat, looking like he wanted to propel out of his seat A great audition under his belt, a chance to show his skills to his mother and the rest of the school, a group of great friends, and… Kendall wanted to think he was part of it too. There was a lot of good happening for James. He was happy. It was nice. It was really nice. He liked being a part of it. It made him feel like he had some sort of purpose. He laid his head on James’ shoulder.

…

Kendall was on top of the world. He had a great boyfriend, amazing friends and family, and a hobby that, though he wasn’t super passionate about it, was fun, and definitely worth spending time with aforementioned boyfriend. And hey, when he was happy, he felt like dancing anyway. Which was probably why he was shuffling down the hallway with his headphones in. Carlos toppled along behind him, humming love songs until he actually caught sight of Lucy Stone walking by and stumbled straight into a locker.

“You okay?” Kendall asked, probably a bit too loudly due to his headphones.

“Ouch.” Carlos rubbed his nose. “Smooth, self.”

“Hey, she smiled at you.”

“She _what?_ ” Carlos whirled around, but she was already gone. “Did she really?”

“I mean… it was when you ran into the locker… but… I mean, that’s something, right?”

“I should really get up the guts to talk to her.”

“I don’t know why you’re so worried about it. I’m sure she’s perfectly nice. Even if she does have a metal band called Pig Rectum.”

“See, I think that’s _awesome!_ She’s who she is and she doesn’t give a shit about what others think! So many people in my department just… have to. You know, they have so many to impress all the time.” Carlos sighed. “I want to impress her though. Which I feel like I’d have to not try, and now I don’t know what to do. What should I do?”

Kendall shook his head, amused. “Dude, I don’t know. I think you’re overthinking it.”

“The only time I ever see her is in the hallway after script interpretation. I’m in overthinking mode!”

“So… just stop thinking.”

“I…” Carlos paused. “I only stop thinking when I perform. I feel it out.” He shrugged. “I don’t know. I just really like her. It’s like. She knows the world’s fucked up so she just gives it the middle finger and keeps walking. I want to be like that.”

“Are you sure you want to date her? You sound like you’d be cool being her too.”

“Shut up.” Carlos grinned. “I think I have an idea. Are you willing to play guitar for me?”

Kendall raised an eyebrow. “Um… depends on the song…”

…

_“Our planet is poisoned, the oceans the air, around and beneath and above you.”_ Carlos started.

Lucy raised an eyebrow. Kendall kept playing, popping in lyrics, albeit a little embarrassed. _“Um, Carlos, that’s true and she totally cares.”_

_“I’m trying to tell you I love you.”_

Lucy raised her eyebrows.

_“The world is a bore filled with death and disease. We dance on the edge of destruction. The globe’s getting warmer by deadly degrees-“_

“And this is one fucked up seduction,” Kendall spoke the lyrics in truth, nearly stopping his playing as he stared at the lyrics. Carlos waved an annoyed hand at him.

Lucy tucked a piece of streaked hair behind her ear, looking somewhere between amused and confused and absolutely terrified. Carlos _was_ a lot to take in sometimes.

_“This planet is pretty much broken beyond all repair, but one thing is working if you’re standing there!”_ Carlos whipped out the flowers, all charming and completely ridiculous, singing his heart out at a girl who was clearly very disturbed. _“Perfect for you. I could be perfect for you. I might be lazy, a loner, a bit of a stoner, it’s true. But I could be perfect. I’ll make myself perfect. Perfect for you.”_

Kendall smiled, his heart suddenly warming – not only because Carlos was trying so damn hard and it was really cute, but the lyrics reminded him a little of himself. And James. Which was always a reason to smile.

Carlos skipped ahead a couple of lines. _“But even if everything else turns to dirt, we’ll be the one thing in this world that won’t hurt.”_

Lucy’s eyebrows arched, almost sympathetic, and her mouth twisted, like it didn’t know what to do with itself. Kendall couldn’t quite get a read on her. She seemed to be trying very hard to keep her emotions under control. Carlos took her hand, holding it gently in his palm, with his heart on his sleeve as he looked her sweetly in the face.

_“I can’t fix what’s fucked up. But one thing I know I can do. I can be perfect for you. I can be perfect for you. Perfect for you.”_

Kendall’s heart warmed at the sight. It looked like Lucy’s might have a little bit too.

“So…” Lucy started after a moment. “You sing me a showtune with death and destruction, and then try to seduce me with it?”

“Yep,” Carlos answered, like that was the easiest choice in the world.

“You’re cute. Maybe we can chill some time, okay?” She wrote her number on Carlos’ palm. “But, FYI, you came on a little strong.”

“I thought you might like a little strong.”

“Try calling me next time.” She winked at him. “I’ve got practice. See ya, dude.”

Carlos sighed heavily when she departed.

“I think she _likes you!_ ” Kendall said, jabbing Carlos with his elbow.

“I… I think she does. Oh my God, someone actually likes me. Oh my God, Kendall!” Carlos jumped onto Kendall’s back, hugging his neck. “Thanks for playing for me!”

“Hey, I didn’t charm her. You did. And from the looks of it, that’s not an easy task. So good for you. Now get off. You’re heavy.”

“What? I don’t get a victory piggy back ride?”

“Look at you. Just charmed a girl and you’d rather ride me. Jeez, Carlos.”

Carlos smacked Kendall on the back of the head, but Kendall left his guitar by the door to run Carlos down the hallway. They got in trouble, but it was totally worth it.

He hadn’t seen Carlos that happy in months.


	24.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 24/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

Chapter Twenty-Four

“So you must be the boy my son cannot stop talking about.”

Kendall swallowed thickly, his nerves fluttering a little. Brooke Diamond was a scary lady. The type of woman that little kids were intimidated by without ever really knowing why. She was totally pretty with her flipped brown hair and made-up face, but she also dressed to the hilt, almost like a soldier, and with her spike heels and strong shoulders, she looked like should could easily assassinate someone Catwoman-style. But that wasn’t what made him nervous. It was the way she stared him down like he was a piece of meat that she could rip to pieces like a mother lion protecting her cubs. And really, her nails were talon-like. She could totally do it.

“Uhh… I guess I am. I’m Kendall.” Kendall extended a hand to her, knowing he was already doing better than he did when he introduced himself to James’ dad.

She responded by not returning his handshake, but by stepping forward and grabbing his chin, turning his face side to side as she perused.

“Huh.” She said.

“Huh?” Kendall responded.

“He’s cute. Good job, son. You know how to pick ‘em.”

“Thanks, Mom. Please stop invading his personal space.”

“I’m just thinking that maybe a little exfoliating cream would do him a lot of good.”

“Mom—“

“I mean, yes, it totally burns, but that’s what exfoliating is for. Burning off all that unwanted skin.”

“But what if I want my skin?” Kendall murmured. She still hadn’t let go of his face.

“ _Mom,_ ” James stressed. “Please release my boyfriend.”

“Ugh, fine. You need to buy some cream for those dark circles though, honey. I’ll get you a free sample. The rest is $15.95 for three ounces.”

“Okay?” Kendall was completely lost.

Ms. Diamond patted Kendall’s cheek. “Anyway, I hope you’re treating my son with dignity and respect.”

“Uhh… yes ma’am, I am.”

“Ew, don’t call me ma’am. Call me Brooke. Ma’am is my mother.”

“Mom, he is not gonna call you _Brooke._ ”

“Honey, he can call me whatever he likes,” she said with a smirk. Then she turned to Kendall in all seriousness and added, “Call me Brooke.”

“Okay… uh… Brooke.”

“That’s better, sweetie.” She then shoved a large suitcase into Kendall’s arms, and did the same to James. “Well! Let’s get out of this dumpy airport. I need to get somewhere with internet so I can get my work done.”

Kendall thought his arms were going to fall off. As Brooke clicked away ahead of them toward the parking garage, Kendall looked at James in desperation.

“What the fuck did she put in this thing?” he asked.

“Probably products to sell. That’s my mom. At least she didn’t hit on you.”

She was certainly a lot to take in when she wasn’t on her cell phone or her laptop, working the ins and outs of her business. She even sold a few products before they even left the damn parking garage of LAX. James was a little embarrassed, but she seemed to mean well. She kept throwing little compliments at him, though they were a little backhanded.

“I’m so glad you’re flat ironing your hair like I told you to. It looks much better.”

James flushed. “I don’t—“ He looked at Kendall. Kendall laughed. “Okay, yeah, I do.”

“Where’s that cutie pie friend of yours? The one that has the flawless skin?”

“Who, Carlos? He’s at school, mom.”

“I swear, I really need to figure out how to get that kid to buy something from me.”

Kendall tried not to be too dramatic when he finally put the offensive suitcase into the trunk, but he couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief when it finally wasn’t in his arms anymore.

“Speaking of your little friends, you know that girl… she’s in your class? Her name is like… I don’t know. Camaro or Cadillac or something.”

“Mercedes?” The blood drained from James’ face.

“Yeah, that’s it. Her father is trying to get a merger with my business. Uh, hell no. I don’t need any of that CBT Globalnet Sanyoid crap. I make my own money. I keep my own money. Not happening. Do you need anything? Clothes, food, car?”

“No, mom, I’m fine.”

“So what does this merger have to do with, uh… Mercedes?” Kendall asked, knowing a little bit of the answer, but wanting Brooke’s opinion.

“Well, I don’t know. Her father kept saying that it would be a good way to tie our families together when our children inevitably got married. But I mean. My son’s gay. I didn’t see how that was going to work at all. I mean, it’s not like you have to be married to stay in the country or anything.”

“You actually spoke to Arthur Griffin?”

“Of course I did, baby. Actually, after you two supposedly broke up, he started trying to win me over. But ew, right? He maybe super ripped, but no thanks. I like ‘em younger.”

James ran a hand down his face. “Good God, Mother.”

Kendall was kind of enjoying James’ humiliation. Because Brooke Diamond wasn’t even trying to bother him but succeeding all the time. And James looked cute when he was flustered.

“How do you know how ripped he is, Brooke? Please, spare no detail,” Kendall said, grinning at his boyfriend the entire time.

James returned Kendall’s look with a much more murderous one.

She didn’t spare any detail. By the time Kendall had dropped her off at the hotel, James had basically melted into the seat.

“That was really, really uncool.”

“I like your mom.”

“Ugh.”

James watched the poor bellhops struggling with his mother’s bags, waving goodbye to her. She was going to the show that evening, and Kendall and James had to do a lot of prep before it went on.

“I prefer her from a distance.”

“She’s not that bad. She loves you.”

“Yes, she does. But I really don’t need her broadcasting info about me. And I don’t need her talking about my friends’ skin either.”

“Eh, it’s what parents do. It’s basically her way of whipping out the baby pictures. Speaking of which, when do I get to see pictures of your cute little baby butt, hm?”

“I’m pretty sure you’re well acquainted with my butt by now, thanks.”

“Does your mommy know anything about that?”

“Gee, I don’t know, Kendall. Does _yours?_ ” James crossed his arms.

Kendall laughed all the same. He didn’t care. He was having fun. “I’m sure she has some idea. But no details. No.”

“God, can you imagine? Parents knowing what their kids _do_ to each other? Wow.”

“You know what’s worse?”

“What?”

“Kids imagining what their _parents_ do to each other.”

“Kendall, fuck you.”

“Yes, please.”

James shoved Kendall, and he nearly swerved into oncoming traffic before straightening out the vehicle. And he was still laughing so hard that tears were pricking in his eyes.

…

James had to take his mother’s cell phone before the show. Mainly because she was complaining about how she didn’t understand why cell phones had to be off because some things were _important._ James looked a little disappointed about it at first and beyond annoyed, but she waved her hand at him.

“Oh honey, I’d only talk during all the other kids’ performances. Not yours.”

“That’s still not okay, mom.”

“Fine. Take it. But if my business goes under, I’m moving in with you. Where’s your cute friend?”

“Hey guys!” Carlos greeted, approaching with Lucy on his arm.

She was in a black leather dress that clung to her body, her black and red hair running in straight lines around her face.  She was also wearing laced up combat boots. Carlos had on a pair of black skinny jeans with studs down the side and dark red button down, like he was trying to match her. Like they were prom dates or something. It was cute.

Brooke raised an eyebrow at Lucy. “Oh. I could do _a lot_ with you.”

“Excuse me?”

Carlos panicked. “Uh—uhh… HI BROOKE.”

“Smooth,” Logan muttered under his breath, passing by with his arm around Camille’s waist.

“Oh. Oh, my. I’ve got some great face cleansers for you too,” Brooke said to Logan.

Camille suppressed a laugh. Logan pouted.

“Hey, Kendall. What’s up? Who’s the hot cougar lady?” Joe had a Jennifer on each arm. Apparently the third was out of town. And he was still hitting on someone right in front of them. Joe had no tact.

And apparently a dick made of gold because the girls didn’t seem to mind in the slightest.

“Mom, I swear to God, if you hit on him-“ James started.

“Oh nonsense. He’s definitely not my type.”

“Why don’t you guys, uh… go take your seats. I’m gonna go say hi to my mom then head back stage.”

“Yes, okay. Good idea,” James said, shuffling his mom toward the door. “We’re not even technically supposed to be out here.”

Kendall hugged his mom at the door. “I’m excited for you to see everything we’ve done.”

“Hey, you better kick ass up there, big bro.” Katie playfully punched Kendall in the arm, then grimace when she was scolded for cursing.

“Thanks for coming. Really.”

“I’m excited, honey.” His mother kissed his forehead. “Now. Go amaze everyone like I know you will.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

He was starting to think that maybe dancing wasn’t such a bad way to go. He didn’t feel the same way about it that James did, but he was good at it. He could at least come to terms with that. And being with James made it even better. Everyone else seemed to think he was making the right decision. Maybe he was. He stepped into the green room to see James on the couch, his eyes distant as the show began out in the house. He was mindlessly tapping his fingers on his leg.

“Hey,” Kendall said gently, unsure of where James had slipped off to in his mind. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” he said, immediately grabbing for Kendall’s hand. “Just thinking about a lot of things.”

“Good things I hope.”

James smiled, but it read false in his eyes. “Some of them were good.”

“Do you…”

“No, I don’t want to talk about it. I need to focus on the show. I want my mom to be proud of me.”

“She’s already proud of you.”

“Proud _er_ then,” James corrected. “I’m gonna warm up a little bit. Come get me when it’s our turn, okay?”

“Okay. Love you.”

“Love you too.” They kissed and James departed.

“Ugh. Gag.”

Kendall went rigid.

“Hope you don’t ruin the show for the rest of us, Mercedes,” he grumbled.

“Don’t be ridiculous. You know I’m good.”

“I honestly don’t know if there’s _anything_ good about you, Mercedes.”

“That’s because you hate me.” She flopped down on the couch where James had been moments before. Kendall inched away from her, trying to put as much distance between them as possible. “You got what you wanted. I don’t know why you still hate me.”

“Because you’re an awful person who did awful things to me and my boyfriend. That doesn’t just go away.”

“Hey. Be happy that this all worked out for you. I’d have James back by now if it wasn’t for my father.”

“What?”

“He says he wants to handle this merger on his own. Besides, I’m a part of a new power couple in Hollywood that’s getting a lot of attention. Especially since Jett just snagged that role on that TV show. And he does everything I say.”

“When are you going to find someone you actually care about, Mercedes?” Kendall sighed. He was actually starting to feel bad for her. Nothing she ever did was without some sort of motivation. He didn’t know if she’d ever actually _felt_ anything in her entire life.

“Uh, I _care_ that I get what I want. What else matters?”

“Lots of things.”

Mercedes rolled her eyes. “Jeez, you definitely are different, aren’t you?”

Kendall wanted to correct her and tell her he was human, but he doubted it would make a difference. “I’m going on soon. I have to go.”

“You don’t see me getting upset about it.”

…

James’ dance was not the same as it was in the audition room. They performed well. The technique was perfect. But he wasn’t quite as emotionally invested as he had been before. Not that Kendall expected him to be. Dancing for those judges was a lot more important than putting on a show for friends and family. Still, Kendall could feel the adoration James had for being on stage. He was a born performer. The second the lights hit him, it was like he was a glimmering star in the sky, just a little bit brighter than the rest and easily noticed. They finished their performance to a huge round of applause.

They also performed in a couple of group numbers that night that Kendall enjoyed, even if Mercedes was on his right the entire time. He’d done a good job ignoring her in rehearsals, but during the show, he kept fighting back words of confusion or anger or pity. He just didn’t understand how she worked. He didn’t think he ever would. But hey, at least she wasn’t trying to sabotage them anymore.

At least until she tripped Kendall on his way off stage. Pain radiated from his ankle.

“Oops,” she snarked.

Kendall glared at her from the floor.

“You okay?” James asked, reaching down to help him up.

Kendall hopped along with his arm around James. “Glad I don’t have any more numbers this evening. Pretty sure I sprained it.”

“Why does she hate you?”

Kendall balked at James. “Why do you think?”

“I mean, it’s over though. Why does it matter?”

“Because she _lost_ , James. People like that don’t handle failure well.”

“Yeah, well, everyone has to lose sometimes. Even Mercedes Griffin.”

When the show was over, Carlos gushed over it all. Kendall took it graciously from a chair. Lucy shook her head.

“It was pretty cool. I mean. It was kinda foofy for my tastes, but you guys did really well.”

“You were so amazing. I love you guys!” Carlos chirruped, hugging them both.

“Hey, what happened to your ankle?” Camille asked as they approached from the crowd of audience members.

“I tripped over one of the lights off stage left,” Kendall lied with ease. “Twisted it.”

“Graceful,” Logan mused, smiling and gripping Kendall’s hand. “At least you were where it counted.”

“Thanks.”

His friends and family were gracious and kind, and Kendall was filled with pride. But, even better was James’ mother’s reaction.

“Sweetie… sweetie, that was… that was…” She couldn’t find words. She just enveloped her son in her arms and held him. “Thank you for inviting me.”

James folded around her. “Thank you for coming.”

It was a sweet moment. Kendall was happy he got to witness it. And then she broke away, fanning her eyes.

“Well, I hate to cut this short, but I have to get back to work. I’ve got a business to run.”

“Oh, you don’t want to stay a little longer?”

“No, no. I’m going to catch a few z’s at the hotel and catch an early flight out of here.” She kissed her son on the cheek. “Don’t be such a stranger. Call your mother.” She looked to Kendall. “Make sure of it.”

“I will.” Kendall hobbled over to hug her.

“Take good care of him, okay?” she murmured.

“I’ll do that too.”


	25.  </b>For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

[](http://thiliaart.livejournal.com)  
  
**Title:** For What It's Worth    
 **Chapter:** 25/25  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Ship:**  James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers  
 **Summary:**  AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.  
 **Artwork By:**[](http://thilia.livejournal.com/profile)[ **thilia**](http://thilia.livejournal.com/)  
 **Beta:**[](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/profile)[ **jblostfan16**](http://jblostfan16.livejournal.com/)  
 **Author's Note:** This is my [](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/)**bigtimebang**. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.

 

  


Chapter Twenty-Five

Summer burst forth with record high temperatures and a bright yellow sun high in the sky. Kendall loved the heat it put in his bones and the streaks of blonde it put in his hair. He and James spent almost all their time outside, cruising the streets or heading down to the beach to surf (Kendall still sucked at it). Joe’s career was starting to pick up, so they were also making plans to travel to his first gig outside the state – some fair in Texas or something.

“We can hit up a waterpark or something too. Think you can nurse another sunburn?”

Kendall grinned. “I tan quickly.”

“Not as well as me.”

“No, not as well as you.”

“I mean, let’s face it, Kendall. You’ve got a hot boyfriend.”

“Yes. I do.”

“And I do too.”

Kendall rolled his eyes. “You’re an idiot.”

“Shut up.”

Kendall’s phone lit up. _Come home now!_

“Okay, mother’s calling. I gotta go now, babe.”

“Awww, bummer.” James whined. “I guess I should get back to Carlos’ too. I’ve got a lot of stuff to unpack from my dorm room still. All that stuff for three months.”

“You could’ve gone to stay with your mother.”

“I’m fairly sure she’d drive me nuts. Besides, I don’t want to be away from you.” James kissed him softly. “Come back tonight, okay?”

“Okay.”

Kendall walked home with music blaring in his ears. Life was good. He really had no complaints. He was living fairly extravagantly, and he was never bored without a thing to do. Things were just right.  He had a great three months of summer sprawled out ahead of him, and he was ready to embrace it all with both hands. He stretched on his way up to the front door, yawning, the heat making him lazy and comfortable.

“Hey,” he greeted as he shut the door behind him, air conditioning making the hairs on his arms stand on end.

“Kendall!” His mom came rushing out of the kitchen, envelope in hand. “Your letter from Julliard came!”

Kendall froze, barely catching his breath. “Wh-what?”

It was weird. He’d forgotten all about it. All the hard work, the frightening audition, and James… he just had pushed the fact that the judges were actually _judging_ him from his mind.

“Well, open it!” Katie prodded, bouncing in her spot. “I was going to, but Mom wouldn’t let me.”

“Open it! Open it!” Camille squealed.

“Okay, okay!” Kendall said, fumbling with the envelope, his heart hammering conga rhythms against his ribs.

He read it aloud, his eyes scanning over the words quickly. “Mr. Knight, thank you for auditioning for the Julliard School for Performing Arts.” He paused, the words dying in his throat.

“Well?”

“…Unfortunately, we are not able to offer you a place in our program at this time. We encourage you to audition for us again in the future…”

He felt the entire room sag around him. And yeah, he was disappointed. Rejection sucked in all ways. But at the same time, he wasn’t taking it quite as hard as he expected.

“Oh…” was all he said.

“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry,” his mother said, reaching out to pull him into her arms.

“It’s okay,” Kendall said softly into her hair. “It’s okay.”

“Are _you_ okay?” Camille asked.

Kendall expected it to suck more. He figured everyone else did too. “Well, I mean. It’s a really competitive school. They can’t take everybody. And I didn’t have a lot of experience. I mean, someone like James—“ Kendall paused. “ _James._ ”

He took off out the door without another word. He ran as fast as he could down the sidewalks, sweat pouring down the side of his face, his chest hurting at the lack of air. Carlos answered the door when Kendall knocked.

“Hey Kendall-“

“Where’s James?”

“…Up…stairs? Why?”

“Did he get the mail?”

“Yeah, why?”

Kendall pushed past Carlos and booked it up the stairs. He finally reached the room James was staying in, and he nearly ripped the door off its hinges in his haste. James was standing by the window, a silhouette, haloed in the golden light from the sun. He had a letter in his hand, and it was trembling so hard that Kendall could see it from across the room.

“James—“ Kendall breathed out.

When James turned to face him, he had tears on his face. “K-Kendall…”

Kendall couldn’t move. He couldn’t bear to see someone turn James away again. He just couldn’t.

“I got in,” James whimpered.

“What?”

“I GOT IN!” James flew across the room, throwing his arms around his neck. “I got in, Kendall, I got in!”

Kendall couldn’t pinpoint how he felt. Even as he smiled and congratulated him, he felt like he had a pit in his stomach.

James had gotten into Julliard.

In New York.

_In New York._

By the end of the summer, James was going to be all the way across the country from him again, in a city that Kendall knew was filled with people that understood James and would give him every reason not to come back. It was a city covered in more culture than winter snow. People of all shapes and sizes walked in and out of those buildings, and all of them had stars in their eyes and passion in their breath. He would be among _his_ people.

Kendall didn’t fit in there. All he had was Joseph, and even _he_ was doing better in the California sun and terracotta rooftops.

James was going to _leave_.

“That’s so great, James. It’s so great!” Kendall buried his face in James’ neck, squelching down all the sadness that threatened to drown him. “I’m so happy for you.”

James was too excited to even ask Kendall about his own letter, and Kendall was glad he didn’t. When he kissed Kendall and ran out to tell the rest of the world, Kendall stood in James’ room, surrounded by all the things that belonged to him, were parts of him. The past year closed in on him: photos of the two of them, smiling in each other’s arms, kissing under the mistletoe, practicing dance. And there were more of their entire group around dinner tables, playing music, a million different activities. There were ticket stubs and love notes and…

Kendall sat on the bed, dizzy. In a couple of short months, that would all be over. The best year of his life would close, and he’d be right back to square one. James would be off to the big city and out of his life.

He sat on James’ bed for a long time, when finally, there was a soft knock on the door.

“Hey,” Carlos greeted gently, slipping into the room. “You’ve been up here for a while.”

“James got into Julliard.”

“I know. He went to tell everyone. And then he’s gotta make a phone call to his mom…. Are you okay?”

Kendall hunched over his knees, staring at the floor with blurry vision. “Y-yeah. Why wouldn’t I be? This is everything he ever wanted. And I helped him get it. I’m proud.” And he was. Except…

“Yeah, but are you _okay_ with that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Kendall,” Carlos said, sitting on the bed next to him with a sigh. “I’m an actor. I’ve worked really hard to show only the emotions I want on the surface. You don’t think I can’t see when you’re trying to do the same thing? You never did finish that acting class, you know.” After a second, Carlos bowed his head. “You… didn’t get in, did you?”

“No,” Kendall said, his voice hollow and raw. “No, I didn’t.” He swallowed. “And you know what? That’s fine. I don’t deserve to be there. I don’t have the experience or the passion or anything. I’m not like those kids. I’m not like James, but—“

Carlos put a hand on Kendall’s back. “Kendall…”

“I’m going to… miss him.” He rubbed his eyes furiously, but they didn’t stop stinging.

Carlos pulled Kendall over to his shoulder and let him lay there for what seemed to be ages. He didn’t say anything. He just ran his hand up and down Kendall’s arm.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he said finally.

“I don’t want him to go.”

“I know.”

After another long while, Kendall finally left with his tail tucked between his legs. Carlos tried to cheer him up, but there was really nothing he could do. Suddenly the city was dripping with memories of the past year, and every single one of them hurt. He walked slowly and let them all wash over him slowly. And suddenly he was back to the year before, walking down the New York City sidewalks and feeling selfishly upset because he didn’t want to lose something familiar to him.

James would be in New York with Kendall’s dad.

He remembered when his mom told him his dad had passed away. They’d rushed to the hospital after the recital. The police had been waiting at their house. He had been left in the waiting room with Katie in her stroller, completely unsure of what was going on but knowing it was bad. When his mom came back, she was holding herself together by very thin stitches. And he kept asking her _what’s wrong, mommy? What’s wrong?_ She sat him down in a seat and brushed his hair out of his eyes, and she was just… she was crying. He didn’t like seeing his mother cry.

When she told him, his entire world crumbled.

But hey, he had put it back together. He’d done a pretty good job for a kid, he liked to think. Or maybe he hadn’t dealt with it at all. Because it came rushing back to him in a whirlwind and he could hardly keep his head together. When he finally got back home, he stared at it with poison in his eyes, hating everything about it. It had taken him away from his father and given him James, only to have him rudely pulled from his life just when he was starting to get the hang of things. It wasn’t fucking fair.

He wrenched open the door and headed for the stairs, begging to whatever gods were up there to not let anyone stop him.

But clearly none of them where on his side that day.

“Oh, you’re home. Kendall, are you sure you’re alright—“

Kendall whirled on his mom, his heart hurting and blood boiling. “NO! No, mom, I’m not fucking alright. Is that what you want to hear?!”

She blinked a few times, taken aback.

Kendall kept firing. “James got _in_ , Mom. He got in! To a school that I lived near for most of my fucking life! Now he’s going to be there, the one time I’m not! I… I HATE DANCING, mom! I _hate_ it.” The tears started without warning, and Kendall had to hold himself steady against the stair rail, the sobs racking all the way through him. “It just… it keeps taking everyone _away._ Why does everyone have to go away?!”

He collapsed into his mother’s arms and she lowered him to the floor, holding him as he cried in the lobby of that huge house, knowing that he’d probably gained an audience. But he couldn’t stop. He had fought so hard for James, to make him happy. To make his dreams come true. And those were finally happening and Kendall still didn’t have anything to wish for. Nothing to pine after but the person he was about to let go.

And it wasn’t like he could ask James to stay. He would hate himself forever. He’d be denying the thing that brought them together. The one thing that James put above everything else.

He wasn’t going to put it above Kendall; that was for sure.

He didn’t want him to. Or maybe he did. He just knew he couldn’t have both.

…

“What do you mean they rejected you?”

Kendall was all cried out. He sat on the floor of the studio, hugging his knees to his chest, not looking at James directly, just watching his reaction in the mirror. He didn’t bring his dance shoes. He didn’t come to practice with him. There was no point. He was done.

“I mean that exactly. They didn’t want me.”

“H-how could they not want you?”

“They don’t want lots of people, James.”

“But—but it’s _you_.”

“I know.” Kendall’s voice was barely above a whisper, exhausted.

“But that means… that means you’re going to be here… and _I’m—_ “

“Yep.”

James ran his hands through his hair. “I can’t go.”

“You have to, James. Not everyone gets into that school. They want you. Don’t ignore that.”

“But what about you?”

“I’ll live.”

“Well are… are you going to audition for them next semester?”

“Nope.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to be a dancer, James,” Kendall sighed. “I’m not going to put myself through that process because I don’t want it.”

James paced around the room. “So you’re just going to give up?”

Kendall shrugged.

“You’re just gonna sit there and let the world go by?”

“I guess so.”

James scoffed. Then, he grabbed Kendall by the arm and wrenched him up from the floor. “ _KENDALL.”_

_“What?!”_ He snapped back, glaring James down. “What do you want from me, James? To lie to you?”

“I want you… I want you to give a shit! I want you to _care._ ”

“I _DO CARE,_ ” Kendall yelled, pulling away from James. “Don’t you think that’s why I’m _here?!_ I’m telling you to _go,_ James. This is everything you ever wanted!”

“Not _everything,_ ” James replied coldly, looking heartbroken.

“I’m not giving you a choice, James. Don’t stay here. There’s nothing _for_ you here.” Kendall sighed, walking over to the barre and placing his hand on the cold metal. “You have given up everything for your dream. You walked away from your dad and your home and your friends, and you came here and you worked _so hard._ You know a thing or two about sacrifices, James. You’re not done making them yet. That’s why I’m making this one for you.”

James looked like he was ripping at the seams. “But… But I don’t do distance well.”

“Then break up with me.”

“No!” James shook his head like he was trying to shake the words out of his ears. “No, I can’t! I won’t!”

“Then… then you’re going to have to do distance well. Because that’s all we can do.”

“I don’t… want to be by myself again.”

“Then make friends, James. You’re great. It’s not that hard.”

“I don’t want _friends._ I want you!”

“Well, you can’t have me. Get over it.” Kendall’s heart cracked at the ferocity in his voice. “You can’t have both, James. I’m sorry. I’m not good enough to get in that school and I don’t want to.”

“But what about our dance, Kendall?”

“It’s not our dance, James. It’s _yours._ It’s all your vision, all your technique. The only thing in it that belongs to me is half the story.” He ran his hand through James’ bangs comfortingly, like his mother had all those years ago. “You inspire me, James. You make me want to do so many things. But I need to be able to make decisions on my own. I need to find things that I want to love and nurture, not because of the people I’m with but because it’s what I want to do. You’ve had that chance. You found that thing. And you should keep doing that. I’ve got some exploring left to do.” James started to argue, but Kendall slid his hand down to the side of James’ neck. “And you, James? You told me I made you brave. It’s time to be brave by yourself.”

He sighed after a long moment. James pulled away, stomping over to his things and shoving them in his bag, working himself up for a good storm out.

“You know I’m right, James,” Kendall said.

“I wish you weren’t…”

“I’m sorry, James.”

“I know you are. Believe me. I’m really sorry too.” He sniffed, but he didn’t turn to look at Kendall. “What do we do now?”

“We’ve got the summer. Let’s make the best of it.”

And they did. They travelled with their group, and toppled over each other in hotel rooms. They rode scary roller coasters and watched amazing shows from the front row. They danced their own little dance, without technique, without audience. They moved through the days quickly and hoped for them to slow down, just a little.

They didn’t.

The time came.

Kendall stood in the airport with a heavy heart, watching as James gathered his things for the gate. He slid his carryon over his shoulder and exchanged goodbyes with their group. Camille was crying. Logan hugged him tight, patting him on the back. Carlos didn’t want to let go. Joe shook his hand. And then there was Kendall. James withered into Kendall’s arms, fresh tears coming to his eyes, and Kendall couldn’t help himself. He cried too, holding James’ body close to his and knowing that it could be his last chance to, at least for a long time.

When James leaned into his ear and whispered words, they were not the ones he expected. He didn’t say _I love you._ He didn’t say _goodbye._

He said, “Thank you…”

Kendall held on as long as he could, but James had to leave. He had to get on that plane and head off to the big city, where his dreams were waiting.

“Say hi to my dad for me, okay?” Kendall said.

“I will.”

James kissed him hard, pulling Kendall into him again. When he pulled away, he looked a mixture of forlorn and excited.

“It’s gonna be okay, Kendall,” he said softly. Kendall remembered a fever dream, months back, in which his dad said the same thing.

“Go. Go be a star.”

He admired James. James knew what he wanted. He was off to get it. He wasn’t about to stop him. Kendall had no idea what he wanted. Except James. But he could wait. He could wait.

He had to keep telling himself that he could wait.

James had waited years for his chances. Kendall could do the same. It sucked. He’d miss him. But he could take the hurt. James was too important. He loved him too much to keep him from everything he fought for.

Waving goodbye wasn’t any easier. Going home without him wasn’t any easier. But who said life was easy?

He figured that he at least had things to distract him, like chasing his own dream – whatever that turned out to be. He had an endless amount of time ahead of him to figure it out.

And he just had a good feeling in his chest that, even if it took a long time to find it, James would be there at the end of it all, arms wide open. And he’d be successful too, the man his father could never accept but would someday envy. The man that beat the odds. The man that earned his keep. He knew that things weren’t as easy as he wanted. He knew that things were never great forever. But he could see a bright future on the horizon. He just had to reach out and seize it.

He couldn’t wait.


End file.
